**WARNING: this blog post contains a really scary spider.**
Some months ago, I wrote about the top ten reasons not to get married (for women). Several people have asked for equal time for men, so here goes.
Your mother told you. Your friends warned you. Study after study showed you the facts: men who are married are richer and healthier. They live longer too. (No, it doesn’t just seem that way…)
This is the point where the dedicated unmarried bring up the relationship stories like, “Southern California woman convicted of cutting off the penis of her then-husband and throwing it into a garbage disposal.”
Okay, guys, you can uncross your legs now. And actually, the odds are with you. Even though 50% of marriages end in divorce, the vast majority of those do not involve genital reattachment surgery. Moving on…
In addition to making men richer, healthier, and older, there are other advantages to marriage. Here are my ten top reasons for men to get married:
10. Sex. You’ll get regular sex without paying for dinner or pretending to enjoy chick flicks.
9. Guys can’t find things. Wives can. Y-chromosomes keep men from being able to move their eyeballs away from the item directly in front of them (unless it is wearing a bikini) or locate items covered by other items.
8. Fatherhood. Sure, you can accomplish that without marriage. But look what you miss out on:
- Toys. Kids have much better ones these days, and Dad gets to play with them.
- Trains. Dads have been known to spend decades in the basement, “working on the kids’ trains”.
- You get to embarrass your kids. And the best part is you don’t have to do a damn thing. Breathing pretty much nails it.
7. Sex. Faking it. Guys can’t. Wives will. There really isn’t much more to say here.
6. Power tools. You’ll get them. If you’ve got a yard bigger than your bathroom, you’ll need a power mower, preferably kind you ride on, with interchangeable attachments that can double as a military vehicle in case of World War III. Married men need and deserve them.
5. Sex. Well, yeah.
4. The Kitchen Fairy and Bathroom Fairy will move in. Be especially nice to the Bathroom Fairy, because she knows the magic to make the vacuum turn on. The Kitchen Fairy is great too. Even though you’re a modern millennial-type guy who knows you’ll have to share the TV remote (eventually) and is perfectly willing to cook a meal pierce the film, the Kitchen Fairy has magic spells passed down through the ages for producing food in pots and pans. If it makes you feel better, you should know that the fairies really, really want you there. Who else would whap the spiders?
3. Shopping. No, you’ll still have to do it. But you’ll never have to make another decision again, even about her present because she’ll tell you exactly what to get there too. Win-win.
2. You won’t grow old and die alone and two weeks later when the neighbors complain about the smell, they’ll find you, sitting with your old bathrobe gaping open, with flies on your eyeballs and your dog eating exposed parts of your anatomy. So there’s that. [Oops, sorry guys! Tell you what — just keep those legs crossed. We’re almost done here…]
And what is the top reason for men to get married (other than being richer, healthier, getting lots and lots of sex, and never having to worry about remembering your mother’s birthday, because the Kitchen and Bathroom Fairies are all over that one)? You’ll be with the one person who knew you when you were younger, cooler, and had more hair. And she still sees you that way.
And there’s the sex thing.