Tags
budget, civil disobedience, congress, government shutdown, House, humor, legislature, occupy Washington, president, senate, Toilet
From a column I wrote for the Champaign Urbana News Gazette, June 1991 (NOTE: If you substitute a very few words, this still works. Scary.)
I just heard that the government’s partial shutdown is close to resolution. Instead of cheering, I’d like to propose a different strategy for next year. Here’s how it would work:
SCENE: Morning of June 30, 1992 September 28, 2014. The Legislature wakes up and says to itself, “What a great day to enact some meaningful legislation like naming the Official State Grub (NOTE 1: this is the only bit I can’t update because we already have Congress, so we don’t need another National Grub…) or annexing Missouri Canada.” Then it glances at the clock and sees that it’s Budget Time.
The Legislature, of course, misses the pre-game showdowns, but arrives in time to see the governor Senate and the Speaker of the House face-off in the finals of the Budget Bowl. The mighty contenders are fresh, the day is young, field conditions (the backs of taxpayers) are perfect.
The contest continues through the day. As the midnight buzzer sounds, the governor Congress proposes a draw. “Give me victory,” responds the Speaker President, “or give me victory. People who don’t get paychecks can take a lot of comfort in the fact that I’m fighting for what I believe in – power.”
Sounds familiar so far? Well, I’m proposing a new ending. Everyone in Illinois America should meet at my house at 8:00AM on June 30, 1992 September 28, 2014, and we’ll carpool over to Springfield Washington.
Once we get there, we’ll take up positions – lining up in front of every bathroom in the Capitol. At the front of each line will be our shock-troops, 12-year-olds with iPads, capable of remaining in each and every Congressional bathroom for days at a time. Our battle cry, “No Budget? No Bathroom!” will resonate against every Legislative bladder.
NOTE 2: My husband favors a more historical precedent. His great-great-grandfather, Col. Shadrach Bond, was the first governor of Illinois. When he had a political disagreement with his opponent, John Rice Jones, in 1808, Bond challenged Rice to a duel with pistols. (Actual historical fact.)
In 1992 2014 if the governor President and the Speaker Congress know that a failure to compromise will mean they have to shoot at each other at 40 paces on live C-SPAN, and that they can’t even go to the bathroom first, that budget will be balanced in no time – especially since after the Bond-Rice duel, the Legislature passed an 1810 law that in case of a fatal result of a duel, all involved parties and seconds will be held guilty of murder.
I suggest that everybody who reads this column send it to all their elected representatives as fair warning that failure to pass a timely budget next year could result in their being shot, convicted of murder, and really, really, really needing to pee. The choice is theirs.
ksbeth said:
wonderful!
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barbtaub said:
Thanks for the thumbs-up!
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sknicholls said:
Great post. Hilarious, and funnier still that all you had to do is change a few dates and phrases…lol
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barbtaub said:
Well, we have to remember that Obama is from Illinois. He learned his stuff in a state where the Federal Penitentiary System is the retirement plan for former governors…
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sknicholls said:
lol….
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Bastet said:
Now THIS is one of the best Occupy posts I’ve read in a long time! Yeah Barb…you’ve got the solutions!
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barbtaub said:
Remember those activists from the seventies who occupied the pay toilets at airports (esp. Chicago) in opposition to the pay-to-pee industry? My heroes.
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Bastet said:
I must agree…true trail-blazers!
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barbtaub said:
It’s because I’m originally from Chicago, where politics is a spectator sport, and where the dead vote early and often.
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Bastet said:
Ha! I was born in the land of Lincoln…poor state has been reduced to a financial shambles thanks to State Government corruption (the next to the last Governor is in Prison if I’m not mistaken)…and the Ron Paulers et al keep on with “we need to put more power in the hands of the State legislature…no more big government” truth told, think we need a little good old anarchy at the moment and ship them all out to Siberia. Still, must say your hubby’s ancestor might have had the right idea.
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wahmcat said:
Sheer brilliance.
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barbtaub said:
You’re too kind. [Notice how I don’t deny it though…]
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wahmcat said:
Well said. 😉
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Bastet said:
Reblogged this on Bastet and Sekhmet's Library and commented:
Once our youngins’ Occupied Wallstreet…but poor kids didn’t know that they should have been occupying the toilets! Bankers and politicians beware…the people are getting weary!
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M E McMahon said:
Oh, Barb..Barb…Barb. I think this is one of your funniest to date! And, the most hysterical thing about it is that it just might work. I picture dozens of members of the house and the Senate lined up outside the Capitol’s bathrooms…doing the “happy dance” and wondering if concession might bring a end to the need to wear men’s Depends to work each day.
I love the original and the updated version not only works…it makes it funnier! Great job!
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barbtaub said:
Barb’s Blog: proudly sponsored by the adult diaper industry
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M E McMahon said:
My sides are still hurting from laughing so hard! Thanks so much for some badly needed chuckles!
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barbtaub said:
Either Congress and President do their friggin job and get this done, OR they fight a duel and all of them have to go to jail as accessory to the crime. If I follow the rules of succession, that leaves that guy with the halal chicken stand on the Mall as the next president. Win-win.
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btg5885 said:
Maybe we should just take the TP out of the stalls in the Capitol Building and redeploy the TP where people are working. When people in Congress (who are so full of it) need to go, they may find themselves in a bind.
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barbtaub said:
Sadly, I’m not sure this would have the desired effect. While I won’t go into the details of why lack of TP will. not. deter. the guys (eew! eew!), the fact is that most women — esp those who ever gave birth– know to carry a few extra napkins and tissues along with them.
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btg5885 said:
Good point. Yet, I am hoping the Congresswomen will help broker more reasonable discussion. There are exceptions to this rule, but they seem to have fewer strident opinions and will be willing to collaborate. Let’s put the TP in the ladies room and they can use it to barter discussion with some of the guys. “You need some TP, then we need to talk first or hold a vote.” This opinion comes from a 54 year old male.
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barbtaub said:
Obviously, you are a MUCH nicer person than I am because I’d stick with, “No budget = no bio-breaks.”
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Real. Life. Parenting. said:
So much can be accomplished on the back of a full bladder in dire need of emptying. That sense of urgency can really “clear the mind” when pushed to make big decisions.
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barbtaub said:
Thanks for your comments. I’m flushed with pride.
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