A new year is about to start and that can only mean one thing. (Or two things if you include trying to figure out WTF “Auld Lang Syne” means…) All over the world, people are about to go to a lot of time and trouble to come up with New Year’s resolutions and then they will actually try to keep those resolutions. This is so wrong in so many ways:
- You have to list the things you don’t like about yourself and your life.
- Even though it makes you and everyone around you miserable, you have to attempt to achieve your resolutions.
- Eventually (often helped along by marital references to divorce attorneys, speculation about life insurance purchases, and the suspicious appearance of a long, narrow, deep new flower bed) you admit that you are a total failure and abandon your resolution.
- Then the next year, even though you’ve done all that, you have to do it again. (See #1)
I submit that all that work, trouble, and pain only serves to increase your stress levels and your expanded carbon footprint, leading to your death and the eventual destruction of the entire world. Personally, I think it’s healthier and more socially responsible to recycle. For example, I’ve been using the same resolutions for the past two decades. If you really want to save, you’re welcome to use mine too.
For 1994 2004 2010 2014, I resolve to:
Be nicer to my husband. Be nicer to my ex-husband. Be nicer to random strangers who don’t smell too bad.Be nicer to the Vice-President. After all, somebody’s got to. ”If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there’s still a 30% chance we’re going to get it wrong.”—Joe Biden, speaking to members of the House Democratic caucus who were gathered in Williamsburg, Va., for their annual retreat, Feb. 6, 2009Stand up to my boss. Get a new job. Become a writer.Take my own business trips whenever my husband leaves town so the dog can’t get even with me any more. I think she was still angry with me for telling about her UPS fetish, because she waited until my husband was away to knock me down the stairs. After she removed my feet from contact with the stairs, I decided it would be a good time to learn to fly. When it became clear that this would not be a particularly successful attempt, I began to make plans for my landing. With the husband out of town, I felt it might not be a good idea to land on my head, as I might need it to find the dog and kill her. So I devised a three-part mid-air plan. Part 1: flail my arms and scream. Part 2: wrap arms around my head and land directly on my Part 3: If you think of me as the world, with my arms wrapped around the USA, Burkina Faso took a direct hit. Ouagadougou! (Sister Mary Geography was right—she always said that someday we’d need to know how to spell the capitol of Burkina F.) For days now I haven’t been able to sit on equatorial Africa, and I have a bruise you wouldn’t believe that goes clear across to Indonesia. As I lay there the dog actually had the gall to come up and lick Florida. If I could have moved, I’d have had Okinawa fire off a few missiles in her direction.Get in shape to run a marathon. Get some cute workout clothes and join an extreme-zumba class at the gym. Power walk around the block while moving my arms up and down like that will do a damn thing.Power shop the Nordstrom Anniversary sale while waiting for my number to be called for a restaurant table.Give up chocolate. Coffee. Candy.Skittles. (Well, the orange ones anyway…)Get closer to the rest of humanity by donating time and money to work for worthy causes. Send them a check in time for the tax deduction. Get closer to my family.Get even with my family for some of the presents we received in this and past years. I thought that Santa was a few jolly old ho-ho’s short of a load when he brought us the Atomic Pinball with Arcade Sound, but there’s not too much I can do about that. But my own sisters sent my son the Talking Land Shark Slippers when he was five. Each basketball-sized slipper lived up to its promise to “…let out the suspenseful Jaws theme or a spine-tingling scream with every other playful step.” I suggested that we might want to exchange them for something more appropriate for a five year-old, like his own nuclear weapons program. But he wouldn’t dream of relinquishing the right to thill and entertain me in the predawn hours with a shark attack, “da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM, AAAAIIEEEEEEE!!!” So if any of you readers are veterans of Christmas gift escalation, I would appreciate your advice for next year. I’m looking for that ideal revenge gift—loud enough to annoy every neighbor in a four-state radius, and with enough small, sharp pieces for them to step on until their children have passed puberty.- Oh, yeah, and I resolve to help create harmony, brotherhood, and whirled peas for everyone (except my sisters and the dog).
M E McMahon said:
Oh Barb..you’ve outdone yourself this time. I’m still laughing! I never make resolutions because I know I won’t keep them! I hope you have a wonderful New Year and that the world will see the end of whirled peas!
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barbtaub said:
Happy New Year and never give up on whirled peas!
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Mary said:
Hi Barb, I was going to resolve to stay more in touch with family this year. I would accomplish this by choosing one or two cousins each month to whom I would write an actual letter (not electronically). But, thankfully, you have shown me the futility of making fantastic resolutions. Besides, at that rate – one or two per month – I probably would not live long enough to finish. Nor would my cousins. So, I’ll give this some more thought. I feel much better now! Thanks, Barb! And, Happy New Year!!
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barbtaub said:
Actually, I think the letters are an excellent plan, as long as you go alphabetically by first name. It’s certainly not our fault that our family photos look like crowd scenes from a Cecil B DeMille epic, but I’m getting old so I can’t wait for you to write through the throngs.
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Mary Lanigan Russo said:
Okay. New plan. I choose one representative from each family branch, write to that cousin, and ask him or her to share the letter with siblings. That would keep me busy for about a year. Would you like to be your family’s rep? If I go alphabetically by family last name – you would be first! Can you hold on for another three or four weeks? Keeping in mind, I am older than you, so we have to hope that I will last through this entire exercise.
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barbtaub said:
If I’m first in line, you only have to last for a few more weeks. I say it’s totally a go for this plan!
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angelajardine said:
Good thinking, Barb … sound advice. Happy New (no stupid bloody resolutions) Year!
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barbtaub said:
Happy New One to you too!
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quiall said:
hahaah Loved it!
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barbtaub said:
Hope you have the best new year ever!
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Bastet said:
At last someone who has understood how to make proper New Year’s resolutions! The 5760×1080 is the only way to go! LOL, unfortunately I can’t think of anything more annoying than Jaws slippers or I’d have set the suggestion your was asap…but I’m wondering what whirled peas are….is it an American thing or a British thing…world harmony of course goes: dum di dum de dumditty dumbdy dum… and I’m sure you’re up to it! Happy resolutions and a great New Year too!
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barbtaub said:
“Whirled peas” is what every Miss America contestant is in favor of (Say it out loud…), accompanied of course by your world harmony.
May your New Year be very high res!
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Bastet said:
OMG…just got the Whirled Peas…my! am I slow…I’m off to bed! Hope you had a lot of fun!
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Alex Zonis said:
Hahaha! Happy New Year! 🙂
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barbtaub said:
Happy 2014 to you too!
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Aussa Lorens said:
Oh my gosh, these are absolutely hilarious. You are my kind of girl, no doubt about it!
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barbtaub said:
Oh, sure… they might be amusing but not one of them includes resolving to make miniature giraffes. (Or even miniature slow lorises, which would totally have market potential.)
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Aussa Lorens said:
Oh my gosh! I just had to google slow lorises! Cutest thing ever, *squeal*
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suzie81 said:
Haha! Susie sent me. Really enjoyed this post! I did a similar thing recently to what you mentioned in your opening paragraph and listed everything that was negative about me, because that’s what makes me, me. Hope you don’t mind me sharing the link with you – I’d love to know what you think!
http://suzie81.wordpress.com/2013/12/31/a-brand-new-me/
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claywatkins said:
Barb, I popped on over from Susie’s place. She’s a great gal, very resilient. I liked your scratch outs and your list. I try to make a few changes at New Year’s but my resolutions take place in mid year – over summer when I have more time to re-invent myself. I teach kids, and they teach me all sorts of stuff, like :What does the fox say? Have a great day and enjoy the English New Year! make it count.
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susielindau said:
Love the slippers. They would have a way of creeping up on you!
Thanks for bringing this to the party. Have fun clicking on links and saying hellooooo!
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Emily @ Adventures of a Dog Mom said:
Resolutions and I aren’t friends, the few times I’ve made them I’ve failed miserably so I just don’t do it. I love this post though, thanks for sharing on Susie’s blog!
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barbtaub said:
I get you. That’s why I don’t bother making new ones.
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Mom2two said:
Susie sent me! What a great post!
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much for the visit!
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Amber West said:
I should have known when I saw your “meh” reaction to the DW episode at Susie’s that I would enjoy your sense of humor.
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barbtaub said:
I can’t… can’t talk about the Dr. now (sob!) But I’ll gladly bend your ear about Sherlock!
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Amber West said:
Good thing I managed to catch the latest episode. 🙂
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philosophermouseofthehedge said:
Whirled peas, land shark slippers, AussieDog Wrangler – must have landed in the right place. Hilarious post. (Maybe we should get Susie some of these – seem right her style)
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barbtaub said:
No– we like Susie and she’s been through enough this year. Nobody should be sentenced to Land Shark Slippers. Thanks for stopping by!
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Kitt Crescendo said:
Should’ve known when Susie sent me that I’d be using my abs for more than holding up my shoulders. You really had me laughing!
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barbtaub said:
So sorry about the abs injuries! But I’m glad you stopped by. Hope you have a great 2014.
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4amWriter said:
Susie sent me, plus I appreciated your visit to my blog and thought I’d return the favor. This was a hilarious post. I tend to recycle my resolutions, which means that I never reach them year after year. It also means they’re worthy of repeating. 🙂
Your dog needs a therapist. 😉
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barbtaub said:
Amazingly enough, the National Health Service doesn’t cover pet therapy. I know… how shortsighted of them. The dog got kicked out of the group therapy for eating one of the bunnies just as it was making progress with its substance abuse issues. And she refuses to even look at the self-help books I downloaded to the kindle just because she doesn’t have opposable thumbs.
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brickhousechick said:
This is epic! Loved the pics too. That poor guy with the tv falling on him and then the guitar. LOL. Best of luck with your resolutions. 🙂
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barbtaub said:
Those resolutions and I have been through a lot of good years together so I feel like actually achieving one of them and taking them away from all their list buddies would be a crime. My goal for the resolutions is to NEVER achieve any of them. My tombstone is going to read “Maybe Next Year”.
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andthreetogo said:
I love the humor in your post! Thank you for stopping by my post that I left on Susie’s page. I am very much looking forward to looking through your old posts.
My husband is also an author and has just finished his second book. Happy New year!
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Milly said:
Love it. Resolutions are for chumps.
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