The good news: scientific research teams have isolated unicorn DNA. The bad news: they found it in British supermarket beef products.

Yesterday one of my old blog posts had a couple of hundred hits. A quick look at the search terms revealed that visitors were looking for information on unicorn DNA. (Can’t make this stuff up.)

This reminded me that if my head ever swells to the point where I believe people actually want to hear what I have to say, all I need to do is take a look at the search terms that bring them to this blog. Most recently, people who have consulted what my neighbor calls “those interwebs” have searched for the following:

1. Reasons for women NOT to get married. Of course the best reason is that you’re asking total strangers this question, but that hasn’t stopped over 3500 people from putting in some variation of this (how to not get married for girl/10 reason not to marry that guy on through the pathetic married and not turned on , to the very disturbing ranhell@live.no) and ending up at this blog post. Full disclosure: the post on reasons for men to GET married has very, very few hits…

 

2. Reasons to not have children. For those who waited too long to google #1. Come on, people—you can’t seriously be asking the woman who has four children already?

 

3. Sex. Apparently, I write about sex. A lot. Who knew? Certainly, those interweb rascals at the search engines have caught on. For those who didn’t wait long enough to google #1, there were hundreds of search requests such as the following, not one of which I’m making up, and all of which will apparently get you to my blog:

• http://www.sex free taub.c0m (I do take some, cautious, consolation that my blog link comes up BELOW my daughter’s link on this one…)
• batwoman in bed —Oh, come on. Sometimes a dead bat is just a dead bat.
• Hot Taub. Hell, yeah!
• when is the right time to touch a lad’s breast during courting (not my fault! Somehow this links to the excerpt from Linda Gilman’s incandescent historical, The Courtship of Utopia Miner) But obviously, if you want the lad to respect you in the morning, such behavior must wait until after you get a ring on his finger.
• pron taub hot mom my friends . Still not making this up. It links here. Ewwww…
• taubya sax—I don’t even play the piccolo…
• http://www.7 taub sexy girl—This one I completely blame on The Regular Guy NYC’s comment here

 

4. Pink stuff naked fun. Why do I get the feeling these searchers aren’t looking for info on parenting tips here?

 

5. 10 resons not to holden 2013 (too late) I think it was cancelled due to terminal spelling and grammar skills.

6. Etiquette (why are americans eating with their forks upside down?, americans table manners, americans and peas…)

On the Continent people have good food; in England people have good table manners. –George Mikes

 

7. Is johnny depp a virgen? Proof that if you say it, (even if you can’t spell it) the people will come

 

8. Creepy aster bunny. Okay, that one does make sense here and here.

 

9. Unicorn DNA. Last time, people. The real unicorns were taken away by space aliens. Except for Barbie, of course…

There isn’t enough time to list the ways this is wrong…

 

10. Hell’s Toilet. Actually, that one I get…

Leave the seat up, go to hell. [If women ran hell.]

Oh, and the best thing about search engine fails? It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Whenever I’m looking for a blog post topic, all I have to do is check them out. I foresee a series… My Top Search Fails, Son of Top Search Fails, I Was a Teenage Search Fail…

 

What are some of the fails that brought people to your blog?