Tags
Best. Birthday. Ever! I spent it in Venice, where the temperature was 76F (24C). And where the restaurants seat you next to the Grand Canal as gondolas go by filled with Americans watching their iPhones so that when they get back to Ohio they can look at their video clips and see what it’s like to ride in a gondola in Venice.
Oh, sure, the art was great and all. Those Italian guys really knew how to toss around a paintbrush and a chisel. But the best part was watching my fellow tourists. Like the woman talking to her thirteenish son outside the Doges’ palace:
Mom: “You’re not even trying to enjoy this.” Son: I didn’t ask to go to Italy. I have stuff to do, you know. Stuff!”
Then there was the sweaty middle-aged man at the Peggy Guggenheim Museum. He caught up with me in the garden in front of Guggenheim’s grave and the memorial to her pets. “She didn’t really know anything about art, you know. She just liked to sleep with artists because they were all sexual perverts.” His dutiful family murmured their shock. Trying to look like someone whose native language didn’t originate on this planet, I pretended I didn’t understand and moved over to a stunning Henry Moore sculpture. Stepping up next to me, Mr. Expert took off his hat and used it to wipe the sweat from his sparse comb-over. “She was completely into sick twisted sex.” I hurried along the path, but he was fast. His family must have been running to keep up. “You know what she did with Picasso…”
I made a dash for the special exhibition. But I didn’t even make it through the first room before that voice brayed. “See this painting? It’s supposed to be [pause for dramatic effect] her va-GI-na.” He came into the room where I was trapped, and he got as far as, “And with Calder…”
Like any cornered creature, I attacked. “Yes, but look what she left to the world. So just what are you leaving behind?” (Not brilliant, I know, but I’d already ruled out dumping his body into the Grand Canal in front of the museum. Too many witnesses.) While the Great American Art Critic was doing his impression of a beached flounder, one of the docents came over and handed me a free pass to a neighboring museum.
I can’t wait for the next birthday-with-a-zero.
quiall said:
A VERY Happy Birthday Barb! Molto Bene! (sic)
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Grazie mille!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Danielle Lenee Davis said:
ROFL! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BARB! I would’ve eaten that chocolate boob, too! Or chocolate anything else. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
And it was SO good. (Moans…)
LikeLike
Danielle Lenee Davis said:
I hope you didn’t do that in the restaurant! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Um… might have. A little.
On the plus side, what happens in Venice stays in Venice.
LikeLike
Alex Zonis said:
A wonderful happy birthday to you! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
I’ve been thinking about you. You wouldn’t know what to sketch first here.
LikeLike
sknicholls said:
Happiest Birthday to you. Sounds like you had a lovely time despite the art critic. Thank goodness you weren’t in the Sistine Chapel.
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Thanks! I keep thinking about the guy’s family, his personal 4-person Greek chorus following him around Europe as he embarrasses America. Those kids are scarred for life.
LikeLike
tric said:
I underachieved big time on my birthday! Happy birthday. x
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Well it only took me 60 years to work up to this one. Totally worth the wait!
LikeLike
Paul said:
Cool place for a birthday Barb – Happy Birthday! European sense of sexual expression is very different than British or North American. I was in transportation for a large discount value chain in Canada and we had a chocolate suppiler whose factory was just a few miles from our distribution center. His name was George, he drank a lot of Ouzo, and he was from Greece and was a licenced chocolatier. And he was hilarious. Our D.C, was in Ottawa and there is a large French presence across the river in Quebec where we had a number of stores. Well, George had these large chocolate figurines, such as penises, breasts, etc. He also had Easter chocolate figures that were semi naked women. All this he only sold on the Quebec side. Well, one figurine, called “Hawaiian Girl’ was a topless chocolate woman dancing the hula who stood about 18” high. George would ship the sensitive figures direct from factory to Quebec. The sanitized figures – including rabbits, ducks, deer, etc – were sold through our warehouse and appeared on the stores list of available sku’s (Stock keeping units). The Hawaiian Girl accidently got stocked in the warehouse and was sent out as available for purchase to all the stores in the system.
We had a huge store in southeastern Ontario that was franchised to a very conservative businessman and had a lot of Mennonites for customers – a very religious conservative religion who actually drive horses and carriages for transportation..Anyway, Jack (the store owner) spied the “Hawaiian Girl” listing (without a description) and decided to order some for his store, So, the order went through without a hitch and he recieved a full skid (about 50) the next day. He didn’t pay much attention and his employees built a big display of naked chocolate women between the Easter Bunnies and the chocolate chicks. Ha! Jack did not notice this until a delegation of Mennonites marched up to his office in the store brandishing a naked Hwaiian woman and demanded to know whatt he was doing selling such filth in his store. Bwahaha!. Needless to say Jack was not amused, the display got torn down and shipped back to the warehouse. Jack called the head offfice president and bawled him out for listing such items in the warehouse. The president, who of course had no clue, went to the chocolate buyer and reamed him out and treatened to fire him if it happened again.
The moral of the story is, chocalate boobs are far more acceptable in non-English cutlures. Happy Birthday Barb and I’m glad you enjoyed your chocolate boob..
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Hahaha! Hilarious cautionary tale.
LikeLike
annesquared said:
Happy Birthday! Wonderful place to celebrate!
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Well I did give them two thousand-plus years to get ready for me. Luckily they nailed it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Elyse said:
Ah, Venice! My favorite place in the world. 10 years ago I was mis-diagnosed with Stage IV ovarian cancer and told to put my things in order. The thing that bothered me most was that I’d never again see Venice. Pure magic.
Oh, I didn’t die. I didn’t even have cancer. I did have a shitty doctor.
But I do think that there should be a law prohibiting assholes in magical places.
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Well maybe we could send them to Canada instead. But not,of course, the nice parts…
LikeLike
Kassandra Lamb said:
My birthday is next week and suddenly that planned excursion to the local Chinese restaurant seems quite tame! I wonder what the Chinese version of chocolate boobs would be?
And I do think you should have dumped that guy in the canal. The folks nearby would have applauded and then sworn they’d seen nothing when the police arrived. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Yeah but there are all these fierce signs warning against dropping litter in the canals.
LikeLiked by 1 person
susielindau said:
I love it! A birthday with a perv art expert that ends with a boobday cake. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Sigh. “Boobday cake”. Now, why didn’t I think of that? Good one!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Amanda said:
Happy Birthday! So glad to find out you’re older…er…more widely travelled than I am! Bet you’ve never been to Wawa, though. They have a big goose.
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
The judges have asked for a clarification. What’s a Wawa, and why does it have a big goose?
LikeLike
Paul said:
What!? You don’t know Wawa?! What is the world coming to? It has a twenty eight foot steel and concrete goose ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Wawa_ON_3.jpg )that stands by the entrance to the town right beside the visitors kiosk. The word “Wawa” is Ojibwe for Wild Goose. You don’t know what you are missing. The story is that the locals wanted something unusual to mark their town (it is in northern Canada along a desolate section of the Trans-Canada highway in Ontario and is only known really for mining). The funny part is that about 500 miles east there is a town called “Petawawa”. and I’ve always thought that if that is a Wawa, you should wouldn’t catch me petting it. Ha! Venice can;t touch it – Ha! All 3,000 residents will tell you so.
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Huh. So there really is a serious drug problem in Northern Canada?
LikeLike
Paul said:
Yep, and as a part of their rehabilitation, they have to clean up after the goose- Ha!
LikeLiked by 1 person
donofalltrades said:
I don’t fully understand what your life is, but it seems pretty darned fun. Happy belated birthday! I like most boobs, regardless of the flavor, but chocolate would have to be right near the top. Also, Ohioans are the worst. That sweaty sex creep was probably another one of those Buckeye fans.
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
My life is very easy to understand. First, you work like a maniac–evenings, weekends, skipped vacations–all while raising four of the greatest kids the world has ever known. THEN when you hit your mid-50s, kid #4 goes off to college, your company is acquired by foreign investors who dump a bunch of cash on you to make you go away, and your husband gets a similar golden handshake. He takes a job in Europe for fun, and you…don’t. Instead,you sit down to write trashy novels which require you to do “research” in fancy-schmancy places all over the world. Very understandable, really…
LikeLike
The Regular Guy NYC said:
Happy Happy Happy Birthday! Sounds like a great spot to spend it at.
Hope you have a terrific weekend! Enjoy and have some fun. Sorry I have not been around in a while as I have had some family matters to attend to recently.
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
I’ve been thinking of you. Such a hard time for you and your family. Here’s wishing you lots of love and good food.
LikeLike
Cathy said:
A belated birthday wish, hope you had a good one (which you definitely did by the sound of it!) I hope I get to have a much fun my next birthday which also has a 0 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
I swear I never knew how much you could milk those zero-birthdays. I hope you have a blast on yours! (Maybe you need to visit Scotland?)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Cathy said:
You may regret putting that idea into my head 😉
LikeLike
Bastet said:
ROFL … ah the wonders of Venice (and happy birthday) or more to the point – Tourists! I’m so happy you had fun in Venice – looks like you got there during a rain break – I’m sure the Veneziani would have appreciated this piece of hilarity, they do so love the tourists (one of their favorite subjects as you can imagine) and their unique way of capturing Venice. You were so lucky to find an expert to explain everything to you about Peggy Guggenheim – all the little behind the scenes bits of history is what makes a museum interesting.
I saw you had an espresso with latte a parte with your sweet … I’m trying to remember the name of it …. I keep coming up with capezzolo di venere, but I think not. Whatever it was, it looks marvelous … now I’m off to see you piece about Florence!
LikeLike
Pingback: Typos, Sex Taub, and Boob Cakes… | Barb Taub
Pingback: Typos, Sex Taub, and Boob Cakes Redux… #SundayBlogShare, #humor | Barb Taub