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A new year is about to start and that can only mean one thing. (Or two things if you include trying to figure out WTF “Auld Lang Syne” means…) All over the world, people are about to go to a lot of time and trouble to come up with New Year’s resolutions and then they will actually try to keep those resolutions. This is so wrong in so many ways:
- You have to list the things you don’t like about yourself and your life.
- Even though it makes you and everyone around you miserable, you have to attempt to achieve your resolutions.
- Eventually (often helped along by marital references to divorce attorneys, speculation about life insurance purchases, and the suspicious appearance of a long, narrow, deep new flower bed) you admit that you are a total failure and abandon your resolution.
- Then the next year, even though you’ve done all that, you have to do it again. (See #1)
I submit that all that work, trouble, and pain only serves to increase your stress levels and your expanded carbon footprint, leading to your death and the eventual destruction of the entire world. Personally, I think it’s healthier and more socially responsible to recycle. For example, I’ve been using the same resolutions for the past two decades. If you really want to save, you’re welcome to use mine too.
For 1994 2004 2010 2014 2015, I resolve to:
Be nicer to my husband. Be nicer to my ex-husband. Be nicer to random strangers who don’t smell too bad.Be nicer to the Vice-President. After all, somebody’s got to. ”If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there’s still a 30% chance we’re going to get it wrong.”—Joe Biden, speaking to members of the House Democratic caucus who were gathered in Williamsburg, Va., for their annual retreat, Feb. 6, 2009Stand up to my boss. Get a new job. Become a writer.Take my own business trips whenever my husband leaves town so the dog can’t get even with me any more. I think she was still angry with me for telling about her UPS fetish, because she waited until my husband was away to knock me down the stairs. After she removed my feet from contact with the stairs, I decided it would be a good time to learn to fly. When it became clear that this would not be a particularly successful attempt, I began to make plans for my landing. With the husband out of town, I felt it might not be a good idea to land on my head, as I might need it to find the dog and kill her. So I devised a three-part mid-air plan. Part 1: flail my arms and scream. Part 2: wrap arms around my head and land directly on my Part 3: If you think of me as the world, with my arms wrapped around the USA, Burkina Faso took a direct hit. Ouagadougou! (Sister Mary Geography was right—she always said that someday we’d need to know how to spell the capitol of Burkina F.) For days now I haven’t been able to sit on equatorial Africa, and I have a bruise you wouldn’t believe that goes clear across to Indonesia. As I lay there the dog actually had the gall to come up and lick Florida. If I could have moved, I’d have had Okinawa fire off a few missiles in her direction.Get in shape to run a marathon. Get some cute workout clothes and join an extreme-zumba class at the gym. Power walk around the block while moving my arms up and down like that will do a damn thing.Power shop the Nordstrom Anniversary sale while waiting for my number to be called for a restaurant table.Give up chocolate. Coffee. Candy.Skittles. (Well, the orange ones anyway…)Get closer to the rest of humanity by donating time and money to work for worthy causes. Send them a check in time for the tax deduction. Get closer to my family.Get even with my family for some of the presents we received in this and past years. I thought that Santa was a few jolly old ho-ho’s short of a load when he brought us the Atomic Pinball with Arcade Sound, but there’s not too much I can do about that. But my own sisters sent my son the Talking Land Shark Slippers when he was five. Each basketball-sized slipper lived up to its promise to “…let out the suspenseful Jaws theme or a spine-tingling scream with every other playful step.” I suggested that we might want to exchange them for something more appropriate for a five year-old, like his own nuclear weapons program. But he wouldn’t dream of relinquishing the right to thill and entertain me in the predawn hours with a shark attack, “da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM, AAAAIIEEEEEEE!!!” So if any of you readers are veterans of Christmas gift escalation, I would appreciate your advice for next year. I’m looking for that ideal revenge gift—loud enough to annoy every neighbor in a four-state radius, and with enough small, sharp pieces for them to step on until their children have passed puberty.- Oh, yeah, and I resolve to help create harmony, brotherhood, and whirled peas for everyone (except my sisters and the dog).
There is still time! You can still get free books and support homeless pets.
Just send pet pictures for showcase [email to: barbtaub(at)gmail.com] and you could get Amazon gift cert for NullCity books, PLUS support no-kill shelters in US and UK. Hurry–ends January 1, 2015. See http://wp.me/p2SHpT-1j4
Wishing all a happy and peaceful 2015
andthreetogo said:
I will do #4 with you! 🙂
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barbtaub said:
You’re on! (Those orange Skittles are nasty.)
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Sue Vincent said:
Just brilliant 🙂
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much!
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quiall said:
hahahah Oh and you don’t want a loud revenge gift. You want to hide crickets in their home. Now that’s cruel!
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barbtaub said:
Crickets? You are very scary. Remind me never to make you mad at me.
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quiall said:
MWAHAHA! hee hee hee
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tric said:
Hahaha. I too have been recycling over many years. Maybe this year I’ll avoid making a mess altogether and admit defeat before I begin.
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barbtaub said:
So what you’re really saying is that you’re making a New Year’s resolution not to make any New Year’s resolutions. My brain kind of hurts, but at the same time thinks that’s brilliant.
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Seumas Gallacher said:
…great stuff, m’Lady, Barb!! :):)
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Gordon Rottman said:
Brilliant! I learned long ago what’s important and what’s not in a place called Vietnam. Making New Year’s resolutions is not one of the important ones, but a waste of brain cells to even think about it. Let’s face reality, do we ever keep them much less remember them for more than a few days? I’ll stick with the more important stuff, good relations with family and friends and enjoying the things I enjoy eating when my resolve cracks.
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barbtaub said:
Oh, sure, Gordo—be all brilliant and insightful and sensitive… No really. How is a resolution-failure like me even supposed to approach this? [grumbles about it just not being fair]
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sknicholls said:
Your resolutions sound a lot like mine. Except I’ll give up the orange gummie lifesavers. Women BTW live longer in Okinawa than anywhere else in the world.
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barbtaub said:
Excellent! Then some of those geriatric Okinawan chicks could lob a few missiles at my dog, right?
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Cathy said:
Brilliant post 😀 😀 I had a fairly similar dog experience except we were outtalking and my last GSD face planted me on the road, broke my nose and blacked my eyes. Couldn’t leave the house for a good while. Still have the photo my everlovin’ took for posterity. As for New Year resolutions – I don’t make them 🙂
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barbtaub said:
Okay, the judges have asked for a translation from the British. To my American ears, you’ve said that you were talking louder than someone, but you were getting-sh*t-done (GSD) when somehow you ended up with a broken nose and black eyes. While that might explain why British people are reluctant to talk over someone else (except for Members of Parliament and those guys with clipboards who try to get you to sign things outside of the subways), it does seem like a pretty harsh deterrent. Either way, I wonder if your everlovin’ is open to bribes? I’d really like to see that picture!
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Cathy said:
Should read out walking – damn predictive text! You’d really like to see the picture?? Hmmm, I might be open to bribes 😉
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barbtaub said:
I would seriously love to see that picture. I can send chocolate…
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Cathy said:
German Shepherd aka Jenna, spotted something good to chase but forgot she was still attached to me with the lead. Sorry for misunderstanding with the Brit speak 😉 Must remember to check before posting!
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barbtaub said:
That story is awful. (But, yeah–I still want to see the pictures!)
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Cathy said:
It’s pretty awful to be launched off the stairs too (and probably potentially more damaging to body parts)
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Elyse said:
Sounds like there is another homeless pet in the offing! (Just kidding. I know you wouldn’t. But evil fantasies are wonderful).
I just love Sister Mary Geography’s descriptions. Brilliant.
I’m thinking of a Frosty that sings all the verses and cannot be turned off. Solar powered, perhaps. Of course you’ll have a whole year to invent it.
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barbtaub said:
The perma-powered Frosty singer is just about the most diabolical present I’ve ever heard of. God help us if you ever decide to go in for a spot of world domination. You’ll be unstoppable.
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Elyse said:
My son LOVED that song. All the verses. All 14,827 of them. I used to sing on stage and can really belt out a tune. I can still recall being on a hayride singing that song — the looks I got from the fellow parents were not at all Christmassy.
But yes, it would be diabolical. Mwwhahahahahahahha
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E. L. Lindley said:
A wonderful post Barb, I love your resolutions. I have to confess I’m a sucker for embracing the whole nonsense but have yet to get to Jan 2nd with any of my usual ones. Maybe I will follow your fine example and pledge to give up any form of lettuce and also carrots 😀
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barbtaub said:
And okra! Who wouldn’t be able to spurn okra without a backward glance?
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markbialczak said:
Smart and funny, Barb! New Year’s resolutions need to be either written on either an Etch-a-Sketch for easy erasure the next day or Moses’ tablets for lifetime use. There’s no in-between, is there?
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barbtaub said:
So, Mark–you can write in etch-a-sketch? You’ve just gone soaring in my esteem. I’ve always wanted to be able to do that… (Stone tablet carving? Not so much. Look at all the trouble it brought Moses.)
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markbialczak said:
Sloppy Etch-a-Sketch. Just like my writing has devolved in the real world, Barb, after all these years of interview note-taking. 🙂 My chiselwork … Ha! Not quite that old.
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glasgowdragonfly said:
Happy new year when it comes Barb! Enjoy the hogmanay x
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barbtaub said:
Our first hogmanay! I can’t wait.
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Faith Simone said:
I needed a good laugh today! Thanks Barb 🙂
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