And, because messing with their little heads just never gets old, here’s an Easter post from a while ago…
How to Terrorize Small Children
I committed an Easter crime once. I was persuaded to dress up in a bunny costume for my daughter’s preschool class. The teacher opened the door and in I teetered, six-plus feet (counting the ears) of Easter excitement. For about a nanosecond, there was total silence while I held up my basket of plastic eggs. Then eighteen mouths were screaming for eighteen mothers, thirty-six eyes were filling with tears, and seventy-two tiny arms and legs were churning toward the door. We’re not even going to discuss what happened in eighteen little pairs of undies as I single-handedly drove the roomful of preschoolers ballistic with terror.
Maybe if that whole child-soldier/ kidnapping/ warlord gig doesn’t work out for him, Joseph Kony could find fulfillment dressing up as a giant bunny and appearing before unsuspecting preschoolers. Looking back, I realize that if I’d gone into work one day to find an eleven-foot tall rabbit heading for me – with no prior memo announcing, “At 10:15AM today, staff will be terrorized by long-eared rodents twice your size,” – I would probably not have been nearly as nice about it as those preschoolers. After all, not one of them pressed charges or pulled a weapon even though it was hunting season. In SW Virginia. I’m just lucky I didn’t end up on the hood of someone’s car, tied down next to Bambi.
It’s not as if I didn’t know better. My kids have an unbroken string of bad experiences with costume-clad adults. The first time we did the Mouse, Donald Duck waddled up to us. He was reaching out to Child #2 when she hauled off and planted him a solid one straight to his – duckness. As I hustled the kids out of there, I noticed Daisy Duck was trying to help him up despite quacking up herself. (I’d apologize, but come on – you knew that was coming…)
Then there was the time we were in the grocery store. My four-year-old was busy analyzing the relative merits of the candy lining the checkout lane when he was accosted by a cookie-promoting elf whose head alone was at least as tall as my son. (The concept of selling cookies using a supersized elf head is yet another reflection of the extent of the drug problem on Madison Avenue.) The elf, who seemed directionally challenged, was being guided by a handler. “How would you like to meet the elf?” the handler asked my son.
“NO!” he screamed, racing for the exit and knocking down everything in his path. “NO, no, no, no…”
“How would you like to pay for the years of therapy we’re both going to need?” I asked the elf as I gave chase.
The fact is there is no real upside to costumed adults confronting my children. Take the time I brought Child #1 to see Santa in his mall chalet surrounded by several camera-waving teenaged helper elves. My daughter didn’t want anything to do with the whole setup, so she tried to escape as the elves herded her toward Santa. As he leaned down to her, she grabbed the pompoms on the end of his hat and started to pull back. One of Santa’s Helpers screamed, “She’s pulling Santa’s little balls off!” We never did get a photo of the event, because Santa had to go feed his reindeer immediately.
quiall said:
OH MY WORD! I laughed so hard I cried and I am not wearing waterproof mascara!
hahahahaahahahah
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barbtaub said:
I’m so sorry about the mascara. (Although I agree with you…that waterproof stuff’s nasty.)
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quiall said:
That post was was worth a little pain!
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Georgia Rose said:
Love the thought of you as the Easter Bunny Barb!! My kids are totally suspicious of any adult dressed up – we never bothered with Disney World because of it – or at least that’s my story 😉 Thanks for the afternoon dose of hilarity 🙂
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barbtaub said:
Sadly, the kids outgrew it in time to beg for the Mouse. Luckily, I’ve conveyed my clown issue, so at least we’re spared circuses.
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Georgia Rose said:
Oh I’m with you on that I hate clowns…creepy little guys…I too have passed on this perfectly reasonable phobia…
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Seumas Gallacher said:
…hilarious…and so bang on the money! 🙂 great post, m’Lady,Barb 🙂
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barbtaub said:
So Seumas…what do you wear for halloween?
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Cathy said:
Still laughing at the image you planted in my mind 😀 😀
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Elyse said:
I am SO glad I wasn’t drinking anything when I read that last line …
But you reminded me of my very favorite headline of all time — seen through the window of a newspaper box: “MICKEY MUGS MIKEY” — I had to buy the paper to learn that Mikey was visiting Disney World and pulled Mickey’s tail. Mickey, having had that experience once too often, hauled off and hit Mikey. Alas it was not hilarity that ensued, but a lawsuit. Ah, America …
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barbtaub said:
Really? You can sue for that? It sounds to me like people dressed up as giant animals should be labeled “attractive nuisance”, like unfenced swimming pools—the property owner is responsible for anything that happens. So battered Mickey would sue Walt Disney instead of Mikey. Or maybe just throw him in the nearest unfenced pool/jungle ride lagoon. Frankly, I think Mikey is the one with grounds for the lawsuit. Can you imagine the trauma of seeing a rodent more than ten times larger than Mother Nature intended?
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Paul said:
Bwahaha! A killer Bunny! Personally i’ve never liked mascots or even clowns. To me anyone who disguises who they are is suspect. That said i’ll tell you a few secrets as long as you promise not to tell anyone -it could give a certain age group bad ideas. Shhh! Here we go.
I was the transportation manager for a large retail organization in central Canada. And so it was that i became the caretaker of the three giant tiger mascots and the 2 parade floats. yee haw! They stood about 8 feet high with huge heads and were very furry – enough to give nightmares to any child. We used volunteers and students to run the Tigers and used them at celebrations, openings, store anniversaries, etc. They were fun from a distance but up close seemed to have shades of Silence of the Lambs.
Part of the reason they are so big is that they are too hot in summer and so they have built in fans and air circulation systems to keep the wearer from passing out. The view out of the suit is very limited and they were constantly banging into things. Teenagers realized that the tiger could not see them coming and was clumsy and they started tipping them over and beating them up. We had more tigers mugged in one summer than we cared to admit. So, we had no choice but to assign handlers to help guide the tiger and stop tiger tipping before it happened. As much as the handlers acted as a liaison with the kids, the real reason they were there was to act as security guards.
So, if you ever get close to a mascot when the handlers aren’t looking, just give it a hefty push and it will fall over and no one will ever know what happened. And to make it even funnier, they will thrash around on the ground because they are almost impossible to get back up again without help.
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barbtaub said:
[still laughing!] That reminds me of the ever-popular sport of cow tipping as practiced by fraternities at just about every rural state campus.
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Paul said:
Precisely – the urban version of cow tipping. The guys or girls inside had to be treated for PTSD, ha!
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The Regular Guy NYC said:
Ha! I think through the years many kids ended up in therapy after being traumatized by parents in weird holiday costumes!
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barbtaub said:
I know! The ones who answer the door at Halloween in FULL Frankenstein costume. Death is too good for them. They should have to come to the house of each of their victims still vomiting in terror at 3:00AM. No, not to reassure. To clean up.
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Bastet said:
I do so love your holiday anecdotes – especially when you get into the weird world of what adults seem to think is going to be fun for the kiddies — what is it about dressing up in huge headed odd costumes! I could hear your son throughout the time warp: Nooooooooooooooooooooo! and loved how your daughter pulled Santa’s little balls off! Lovely! And a Happy Easter to you and yours!
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barbtaub said:
Wishing you have a terrific, monster-bunny-free holiday yourself!
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