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$125, 200 word essay, Center Lovell Inn, contest, genre, humor, sample, win a mansion, writing, YA Fantasy
Once upon a time (1993, to be exact), a beautiful maiden (well, she was actually married but bear with me) entered a tournament in which she did mighty battle with the help of her enchanted typewriter. She emerged victorious over all opponents, and was awarded the keys to the kingdom. (Actually, it was a mansion in Maine that had been converted into a Bed & Breakfast hotel, but pretty spiffy anyway…) She lived happily ever after. The End. Until now.
They never tell you in fairy tales what happens when Cinderella and the Prince get to retirement age, and just want to hit some golf balls down in Florida. But Janice Sage knows. With her 200-word essay and her $100 entry fee, she won the Center Lovell Inn in a contest held by then-owners, Bil and Susie Mosca over twenty years ago. Now she’s ready to pass along the keys to her Maine kingdom the same way she got it. And it could happen to you too.
Yes, if you have $125 and some excellent writing skills, you could enter Janice Sage’s contest and win her gorgeous 1805 Colonial mansion inn and restaurant. [NOTE: This isn’t quite as generous on Janice’s part as you may think. Her conservative estimate is that the contest will attract at least the 7500 entries that will bring her take to over $900,000.]
What’s that you say? Not really a writer? Well, that’s where I come in. Surely, people who are willing to spend $125 on a chance for a mansion could afford to spend a tiny bit more to make sure your 200 words are telling your story in the best way possible.
For only a little more, ladies and gentlemen, I will take your 200 words and turn them into a dazzling professional entry, one sure to impress Janice Sage and her judges with your sincerity and worthiness. Of course, everyone’s story is different. That’s why I’m prepared to offer a variety of packages, priced in accordance with their respective shares of the book industry sales as a whole:
- $460 Romance Package. Cupid wants you to win! Since romance and its subgenres represent 46% of the market for genre fiction—almost a quarter of all books published—this is probably your very best chance to win the hotel. (NOTE: the 50 Shades package is actually significantly cheaper, because it doesn’t require good writing at all. Cupid ties you to the bed and spanks you while our random smexy-word generator spits out 145 adjectives, some 27 reusable adverbs, a few random verbs and nouns, and a pair of fur-lined cuffs.)
- $190 Thriller Package. You have to win in order to save the free world from the forces of um…the not-as-free world—evil politicians, genetically modified broccoli, and 3-Star Hotel Chain CEOs who don’t even think they need to provide shampoo and conditioner or full-sized towels as long as they give you a chocolate chip cookie when you check in.
- $180…..Religious/Inspirational Package. God (or the Goddess) wants you to win.
- $150…..SciFi/Fantasy Package. The Force wants you to win.
- $20……Horror Package. Jack Nicholson wants you to win.
- $(We pay you) Literary Fiction package. Nobody’s actually going to read it, but we’ll all pretend to think your entry was just the best.
Sample Contest Entry
Just to give you an idea of what you can expect for your purchase, here is a sample entry from our SciFi/Fantasy package—YA Fantasy Contest Entry
Dear Ms. Sage,
I am writing because I turn eighteen tomorrow and will face the Test. Yesterday my mother braided my (long, red) hair and my little sister hugged her kitten to show how innocent she is. (The kitten scratched her. He isn’t into metaphors.) Today they are, of course, dead.
Our family of simple hotel keepers has always followed the Old Ways. But there are New Ways threatening our traditional listings on Hotels.com. Is the all-powerful Google search algorithm really to control our lives? Will we be forced to replace our time-honored metal keys with the cold and heartless plastic of electronic systems? I pledge to gather a small team (do they allow elves in Maine?) and right this injustice.
I’m shy and plain but very smart, and two incredibly hot guys (one of them sparkles!) are fighting over me. This will not, however keep me from making the Center Lovell Inn into a hotel with so many positive ratings that the All-Powerful Trip Advisor will confer upon it the title of Number One Attraction for Lovell Maine.
Also, it is quite possible that I am the Chosen One. And part-unicorn.
Sincerely,
Gulainiska k’Sullen
Let me know if you’d like to see samples from the other genres. Or even better—I’ll share the fees if you write less than 200 words for a sample contest entry in any genre. (Unless it’s literary fiction. You keep all those fees. You’ll need them.)
sknicholls said:
I wrote a few up just for giggles. I could handle a summer home in Maine but would need to convert my children into slaves to run it for me in winter. Loved the Fifty Shades one :D.
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barbtaub said:
I hope you post at least one of them!
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Paul said:
Dear Ms. Taub:
re: Janice Sage’s contest
Having perused your literary offerings, I would like to purchase one submission from each category please. Given that I believe that the government is trying to read my mind for corrupt purposes, especially when I am having naughty sex with my girl friend, I feel that my needs fit clearly into the first and second categories. Currently I wear a tinfoil hat to deflect their spy beams. I would like to win the Inn to create a fortress for the approaching Zombie Apocalypse as God has directed me to this end. The Apocalypse will trigger an alien invasion, and the aliens will eat our current politicians – favoring the taste of rotten humans. This, in turn will cause the politicians ghosts to haunt all the government buildings, rendering our country an Anarchy. I feel that a smooth literary approach to this debacle will likely be the winning entry. So, you can see that my intentions for the Inn also include the remaining four entry types.
All of my plans hinge on winning the Inn and establishing a fortress in the wilds of Lovell Maine. I would also like to adopt some Maine coon cats – as I hear they are excellent Zombie hunters. I shall stock pile automatic guns (as I am told they are easy to get in the United States) and defend the Inn against all hostile attacks in the coming times. I feel that the Inn will only be safe in my hands during the bad times to come. God willing.
I represent a great number of like minded individuals who currently make up the Republican party. However we feel that the Republicans are becoming far too soft on crime and the NRA is filled with anti-gun subversives. We shall establish a new world order from the ashes of civilization and make the Inn in Lovell the center of world government. What more fitting a destiny for such a fine Inn.
Thank you for you attention to this matter and I look forward to seeing the drafts of your submissions . If you would like a place at the Inn in the coming years, we would be happy to accommodate you provided you bring our own guns and tinfoil.
Yours most appreciatively,
John Q, Public (I am sure you understand the need for secrecy)
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barbtaub said:
Dear John Q: I’m so sorry, but the contest rules do specify that you have to use your own name and BYOTF. It’s a shame because I loved every word of your reply (and I could certainly use the money.) Do watch out for sick zombies—sometimes those politicians can be hard to swallow. When you’re ruling the world, I hope I can still drop by for coffee. May the Force and the Maine Coons be with you!
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Georgia Rose said:
Hahaha! Very good Barb 😉
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danielleleneedavis said:
Oh, my goodness, Barb! What are we going to do with you? HA HA HA! 🙂
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Bastet said:
LOL … too bad I read this so late … could have taken you up on your offer there and win me a Mansion …. 😀
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barbtaub said:
I could never be a hotel keeper. I don’t like cleaning up after my own family, let alone a mansion full of strangers. But I’m sorry you didn’t win!
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Bastet said:
Ach … you forget, I live in Italy and have no intention of going to live on the American east coast … it’s cold there!
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