It’s one of those sounded-good-at-the-time ideas. “Let’s drive across Spain and France during a heatwave. We’ll take the Classic even though it doesn’t have air conditioning and the steering wheel will be on the wrong side for European driving. And we’ll take the dog. It’ll be fun.” Said nobody ever? Alas, wrong. I must have uttered words to that effect because there we were, driving across Spain. And France.
And you know what? Even though all those European countries look about the size of Rhode Island to my American geography eyes, they are actually huge. Especially when you measure them in those adorable little kilometers instead of miles.
So yes, I was bored. Playing car games was out because the only other people there were the dog (far too sophisticated) and the Driver (far too busy complaining about every other driver on the road and about road signs in the Basque dialect which clearly must have been written during a big sale on letters X, Z, and T because most words have a distinct shortage of vowels.)
Singing was even more out. My family has been labeled singing-impaired by one of my brother-in-laws. He was being kind. By mutual consent, we do not attempt singing in public.
That left… torturing other drivers. I noticed that people would pull alongside, glance over at me, and look worried until they realized that the woman with both arms stretched back up and behind her head was not the actual driver of the car. Well okay.
First I set the stage. On the dashboard in front of what would have been the steering wheel in regular car, I set up lunch. Cheese, crackers, and coffee made with one of those little instant electric kettles.
Then I got up on my knees in the seat, turned around, and faced the back seat. Driver after driver passed us, their faces a study in panic and horror. Some shouted in Spanish or French or consonant-riddled Basque. Usually I waved.
My work here was done.
Sue Vincent said:
Barb, that’s evil. 😀 I love it 🙂
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barbtaub said:
And Sue? That’s exactly why we love you!
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Sue Vincent said:
We really have to get together one of these days… 😉
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barbtaub said:
Say the word and I’ll harass drivers all the way down.
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Sue Vincent said:
Don’t be a spoilsport..I want to do that on the way north 😉
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Bastet said:
OMG I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in days … what am I saying in weeks! This is stupendous and can I ever see those faces, gasping in horror! 😀
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barbtaub said:
I’m going to hell. But it’s where all the fun people will be anyway!
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Bastet said:
After that trip, I should think that hell would be a a cool place to visit! Without the dog though.
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alisonewilliams said:
We will be driving for about eight hours through France next weekend – might have to try this 🙂
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barbtaub said:
It’s totally a winner. (I was thinking of putting the dog in my seat, but as I said…she is not amused by my idea of fun.)
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Cathy said:
😀 😀 Fantastic! I love it!
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barbtaub said:
Thank you! And the best part? You can’t even get arrested for it. Probably…
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Paul said:
Bwahahaha! Devious Barb. I love it. I had a colleague who owned a tractor-trailer called a “Scot” that was experimental and built in Nova Scotia (this was some years ago). It had an integrated sleeper berth so that directly behind the drivers seat was the bunk bed. Also, the driver’s seat would pivot. He could set the cruise control on the highway, pivot the seat, slide back onto the bunk while holding the bottom of the steering wheel out of sight. Thus when anyone looked into the driver’s side window, the driver’s seat was empty. Ha!
When it came to scaring people w e dreamed up all sorts of tricks. Often, when really tired at night, truckers would pull over and just relax across the steering wheel for a quick nap. If we found a driver napping that way, we would pull up head-on to their truck within a few feet. We would then flash the high beams up and down while pulling continuously on the air horn – very loud. The driver would startle awake and think they had fallen asleep behind the wheel and would jump hard on the brakes while trying frantically to swerve out of the way. Of course the trucks were both stopped and we would laugh like fools and then take off.
I had another colleague whose truck was designed so the drivers seat sat very low – which meant that anyone looking in the driver’s window could only see him from the neck up. He had a collection of full head masks – like Alf, the alien and President Nixon, and a werewolf, etc – and when someone was passing him on the highway he would slip on one of these masks. It may sound silly but it is very disconcerting to be passing another tractor=-trailer, look over and see Alf driving. Ha!
You would have fit right in perfectly Barb – you should have been a long haul trucker. 😀
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barbtaub said:
Okay, waking up the poor driver and scaring the sh*t out of them is probably a one-way ticket to a very hot place. (I like it though!) But I love the picture of Alf tooling down the freeway…
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Mary Smith said:
Loved it, Barb. Made me laugh out loud – not easy to do on a filthy wet Monday.
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barbtaub said:
So sorry your Monday is bad, Mary. I must say, I’m not looking forward to returning to Scotland any time soon.
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Mary Smith said:
This ‘summer’ has been the worst ever! It did stop raining eventually late this afternoon. Am trying not to be jealous of you being in sunnier climes – but I am.
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quiall said:
hahaha I would soooo travel with you! Wicked, wicked sense of humour!
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barbtaub said:
Score! When do we leave?
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quiall said:
In a perfect world? Tomorrow! For now I’ll follow you one word at a time.
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Gordon rottman said:
In Mexico the truck drivers are super. Courteous, they turn on their left turn signal to let you know it’s safe to pass. The taxi drivers are animals. They “own” the road. I call them kamikaze taxis and make every effort to make like miserable for them, through intimidation…my SUV is bigger than their VW.
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barbtaub said:
I’m absolutely wet-my-pants terrified of the Mexican taxi drivers. It takes a braver person than I’ll ever be to face them down!
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Grab the Lapels said:
Having a marker and blank paper to write all sorts of nonsense or insults can be fun! Also, I don’t know if you are crazy so much as an adventurer!
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barbtaub said:
No, wait… You can’t just drop something like that. We’ll be needing some suggested messages. Inquiring minds and all…
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judithbarrow1 said:
Brilliant laugh out loud post. Barb, you’re like a naughty child!!.
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barbtaub said:
The amazing thing is that all my children are responsible, bill-paying, upright types. (Switched at birth?)
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judithbarrow1 said:
Naw!! It’s just your turn now, Barb – go for it!!Jx
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danielleleneedavis said:
HAHAHA! That’s hilarious and sounds like fun! 🙂
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John W. Howell said:
Very Funny
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barbtaub said:
Thanks for stopping by, John!
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Cassandra said:
Great story. Enjoying checking out your blog today. Susie sent me!
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barbtaub said:
Thanks, Cassandra. So glad you stopped by.
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mandi said:
I found you on Susie’s blog hop and I’m so glad I did! What a delightful post!
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barbtaub said:
Thanks, Mandi!
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Pascale LeBrasseur said:
That’s hilarious. Here’s to hoping I can do this one day!
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The Guat said:
Ha!! That was too funny! Sometimes a moment boredom sparks a spectacular idea! Glad I ran into you at Susie’s party. Look forward to dropping by again. 🙂
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