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Text I thought I was sending: “What’s the point?”
Text autocorrected (to the Hub’s surprise): “Where’s the porn?”
Obviously, I should be more forgiving of others’ typos.
But then there’s my blog. Now that most people know to do their searches under privacy settings, the search terms that bring them to my blog have (mostly) lost my interest. There is one huge exception to that. Typos. For reasons which I only recently figured out, every day (and especially on weekends) there are searches—a lot of searches—for some variation of Sex and Taub. Those are two words I would not usually expect to occur in the same sentence. Or even the same house.
SEARCH TERM TIMES USED THIS YEAR (SO FAR)
- sex taub…………….410
- taub sex…………….132
- free sex taub………. 46
- xxx girl bar taub…….. 12
- chocolate boob taub. 11 (actually, I totally get this one)
- sxe taub……………. 9
- the ever-disturbing big cock taub (thankfully, only 5 searches, but they all ended up at my blog)
- and a variety of misspelled one-offs involving all the penises and other primary and secondary sexual characteristics you’d care to list.
I admit it—I haven’t read 50 Shades of anything at all, and I’m not au courant with the latest in digital erotic offerings. But I’ve seen my own blog and that’s certainly the last place I would have expected anyone to search for sex of any flavor. So today, I decided to do the searches myself. I can see you all shaking your heads and saying that this couldn’t possibly end well. You’re so right. But I did find two possible explanations for the (misspelled) search terms:
- Apparently a particular…er…sub-genre of YouTube offerings is called SexTube. And, either from inherent inability to spell or misspellings lubricated by copious alcohol, those porn-seeking souls end up at my blog.
- Or they may be looking for Seth MacFarlane’s (actually pretty damn funny) Sex With a Tube of Toothpaste.
I picture them, their drunk little fingers cluelessly entering various words in my blog search field, unable to come up with anything more exciting than the chocolate boob I wrote about here last year in Venice.
Although, speaking of breast cakes, this summer I was amazed to discover that eating boob confections is actually a religious thing in Spain as well as Italy. Seems Agatha of Sicily was a third-century martyr who refused to submit to her Roman admirer. As rejected suitors are wont to do, he had her breasts pulled off with pincers (and no, we won’t be making any 50 Shades jokes here). She is usually depicted with a plate holding her severed breasts. And (taking cosplay to a truly disturbing level) in Europe they eat little cakes called Minni di Sant Aita (Saint Agatha’s breasts) in the poor saint’s honor. (Really, truly no 50 Shades jokes, although it’s almost killing me)
FINAL NOTE: Yes. I did it. I googled the above search terms, spelling corrected. If anyone needs me, I’ll be off boiling my laptop. And my eyeballs.
Sue Vincent said:
Dog xxx and every possible deviation… and I use that word advisedly given some of the search terms…
Ani, of course, doesn’t mind… but I doubt she is what they are after. Well, I hope she isn’t?!
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barbtaub said:
Ani, cover your ears!
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Sue Vincent said:
She’s under the sofa cushions…. 😉
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Seumas Gallacher said:
excellent post , m’Lady… and dare I say it raised a titter or three! :):)
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barbtaub said:
I’m such a loser when it comes to this stuff… I’ve been looking at these search terms for over a year and wondering what could possibly be going on…
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R.R. Wolfgang said:
Oh my, too funny for words. I haven’t bothered looking at these search terms for my own blog, and now I’m somewhat afraid to try… I’m still going to, mind you, I’ll just be a little fearful while doing so… 😉
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barbtaub said:
Maybe with latex gloves?
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R.R. Wolfgang said:
Yes, yes, I think so!
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markbialczak said:
You’ve now made somebody’s list somewhere, Barb. Nice going. 😉 Great cakes, my friend.
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barbtaub said:
Let me tell you, that chocolate one was to die for. Maybe we should all start celebrating St. Agatha’s day? (I think 5 February?)
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markbialczak said:
I get your point(s).
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barbtaub said:
Ouch! (I was going to say “I played right into your hands.” But maybe…not.)
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markbialczak said:
No, you shouldn’t be so pliant. (But maybe you should.) Ba-da-boom.
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barbtaub said:
I think I should quit while I’m behind… or…er…
So, how are those Chiefs doing?
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markbialczak said:
Bad season. Twenty games under .500. I’d say they suck, but …
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judithbarrow1 said:
Reblogged this on Barrow Blogs: and commented:
Hilarious! Or, be careful what you say!
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coldhandboyack said:
I have one old post that constantly gets hits. I called it purple nurple. I’m shocked that people actually Google this stuff.
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barbtaub said:
Seriously? Purple Nurple? I had to look it up. Then I had to read your post. Of course.
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coldhandboyack said:
I saw you there. Hahaha!
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coldhandboyack said:
PS: if I get a hit on it today, I’ll totally know it’s you.
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barbtaub said:
I’m sure you’ll get TONS of hits on it today. Who could resist Purple Nurple?
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Paul said:
So, knowing that many bloggers check out how their viewers come by their website – when bored I type funny things into the search engine with one or two key words and then scroll through the returns and click through to the bloggers website. So for instance, I just did a search on “Is Taub from WordPress an alien?” That will turn up on your next search engine report. ha! I can amuse my self for hours doing this – it is fun to see how weak the association can be while still getting the website desired. I’m sure some surprise the blog owners.
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barbtaub said:
I don’t see that one yet, but I AM getting the most seriously xxx-rated queries you can imagine. How they are ending up at my blog is just too ick-making to think about.
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jennypellett said:
Great! How I hate predictive sex. Text. Whatever….
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barbtaub said:
I have to agree. Where’s the porn?
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Ellen Hawley said:
I completely understand the impulse to boil everything that was involved, but please, not the eyeballs. And let’s not think where a typo of eyeballs will lead us.
Great post. Get rid of autocorrect. I don’t believe in the devil unless we’re discussing autocorrect, which is a tool of the devil.
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barbtaub said:
Well, I probably should have thought this through a bit more before running this post. You would not believe the search terms that came in last night. I may have to boil the entire internet.
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Ellen Hawley said:
Nah, I think you were right to run the post. But boiling the entire internet doesn’t sound like a bad idea.
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barbtaub said:
It might not be a good idea either…we have very low water pressure here at the Hobbit House.
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Mary Smith said:
Thanks for such a hilarious post, Barb. And that chocolate boob looked delicious.
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barbtaub said:
It was a religious experience.
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Mary Smith said:
I am sure you were truly blessed.
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Alanna Coca (@AlannaCoca) said:
I used to have a weekly post where I’d share that week’s most interesting search term. The problem with that was that I would unwittingly provide more fodder for the Google spiders to link my site to these terms.
I’m still getting Burt Reynolds Naked Bearskin results.
Tread carefully, Barb!
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barbtaub said:
Too late! I just looked at the overnight search terms. [shudders]
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Grab the Lapels said:
I feel so sad that there’s a severed boob holiday. I feel like I should be nicer to mine, now.
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barbtaub said:
I was trying to think of a response (rejected references to boob consumption, boob appreciation, etc.) and nope. I got nuthin…
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Bastet said:
I’m not sure if boiling will be enough … you might have to use a bit of Dettol or something even stronger … 😉
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shelleywilson72 said:
Just found this post in your ‘Top Post’ listing – hilarious! 🙂
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barbtaub said:
And it’s only the teeniest bit depressing to realize just what keeps this post popping up in my “Top Posts” listings…
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