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When first-time dad Matt Abraham stopped by for Sunday coffee a few weeks ago, he had hilarious comparisons between his life as a waiter and as a new father. Today he has another first to report.

shrek

For those of you who don’t know I got my first Amazon review troll this week, and subsequently went through the following 3 stages… before exacting revenge.

I didn’t read the book because of the errors reported by a reviewer. Errors in grammar and punctuation set my teeth on edge and keep me from enjoying a book that otherwise might be a great story. – One Star

WARNING: this isn’t for the squeamish, and if you’re a follower or a personal friend I hope I don’t lose you, or your respect. But sometimes we got to do what we got to do:

Stage 1: The Reaction

I’ll admit, once I got my first review troll I was excited. But that quickly turned to rage. Who the hell gives a one star rating without even reading the book? Trolls, that’s who. So I decided not to take this lying down, I was going to hunt my troll. So I went on her Amazon page, and looked at all the things she bought, and I kid you not I found her real name. I found her work place. I found her address, and her email address. I even found a picture (don’t look at me like that, I write detective novels, what did you expect?). Now the only question is, “What would I do with this information?” The answer is scheme.

Stage 2: The Scheming

So as I lay in bed that night, scheming like a champ, I came up with three possible acts of vengeance:

  1. Email her and avail myself to her human side, making my case politely, and asking her to take down the unfair trolling review. Maybe I’d quote God or something.
  2. Email her and threaten to cook her children if she didn’t take down the unfair trolling review. Maybe I’d quote God or something.
  3. Join Ashely Madison and every swinger site there is under her real name! Or better yet: I’d sign her up on Fiverr, those people never let you delete an account!

As you can imagine I chose to go with option 3. Does that make me a bad person?

Not a bad person at all...

Not a bad person at all…

Stage 3: The Execution

So the next morning I hopped back onto my Amazon page and looked up my troll. It was time to exact some sweet revenge. But here’s the thing; right above her nefarious vitriol sat other reviews, and each one was really kind. Also, there were a handful of strangers who came to my aid with supportive comments, and all of a sudden my general happiness outweighed my righteous anger, and I was reminded of the old saw in fiction: everybody’s the main character of their own story. So what kind of main character did I want to be? A villain or a hero?

I knew the answer. So I put my dreams of revenge aside.

And… The Obligatory Moral

I learned a few things from the past few days of self-torment. The first is that if you fight fire with fire you just end up with more fire. Lowering yourself won’t make you even. In fact, there’s no way to get even, and all you’ll end up doing is increasing the badness in the world. The second is that the bullies of the ether should be afraid. It’s getting easier and easier to discover their identities, which lets us show everyone what kind of people they really are. And finally, revenge may be a dish best served cold, but justice served with a smile and a pinch of irony is a hell of a lot more fun to eat.

So I did the only thing I could. I smiled as I pressed ‘edit’ and added Dorothy A’s comments to my editorial reviews. So now when you visit Dane Curse’s Amazon page you’ll see this:

Editorial Reviews

“Written with intelligent humor, easy dialogue, and an action-packed story line, Dane Curse is a must-read.” – Please Pass The Books

“Five stars… Filled with lots of action and humour, and will keep you engaged and entertained.” – Jael’s Reviews

“One Star- I didn’t read it…” Dorothy A. (AKA Muffiemae)

Yeah, that just feels right.

How about you? Have you been trolled? What did you (or could you) do?

I’ll be reviewing Matt’s wonderful first book, Dane Curse, very soon. But why wait? If you’re a fan of classic superheroes and hardboiled detectives, you should check out Dane Curse.

11896236_524142157734369_7528687892600028543_nDane Curse

Sometimes even the unjust deserve a little justice

If you lose a black cape, and can’t go to the cops, then you come to me because that’s what I do. I’ve been in the game for years. I know all the curves and all the angles, and if it gets rough then so be it, I got plenty strength, I’m double tough, and I never quit. And if need be I’ll pull my artillery to get you some answers, because I don’t care about the mistakes you’ve made or how you chose to live your life, sometimes even the unjust deserve a little justice.

At least that’s how it was before a mysterious murder threatens to plunge Gold Coast City into a super powered war unless I find the killer in five days’ time. But getting to the truth won’t be so easy. I’ll have to face ruthless black capes with secrets to hide, a powerful government agency bent on national expansion, and even teams of white caped heroes whose intentions are less than pure.

No easy task for a small time PI, so I’ll need every bit of my strength and guts if I’m going to find the killer, save my city, and maybe even get some justice for the greatest hero the world has ever known.

Dane Curse is available on:

Amazon US | Amazon UK | Barnes & Noble | Smashwords | Blog