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When first-time dad Matt Abraham stopped by for Sunday coffee a few weeks ago, he had hilarious comparisons between his life as a waiter and as a new father. Today he has another first to report.
For those of you who don’t know I got my first Amazon review troll this week, and subsequently went through the following 3 stages… before exacting revenge.
I didn’t read the book because of the errors reported by a reviewer. Errors in grammar and punctuation set my teeth on edge and keep me from enjoying a book that otherwise might be a great story. – One Star
WARNING: this isn’t for the squeamish, and if you’re a follower or a personal friend I hope I don’t lose you, or your respect. But sometimes we got to do what we got to do:
Stage 1: The Reaction
I’ll admit, once I got my first review troll I was excited. But that quickly turned to rage. Who the hell gives a one star rating without even reading the book? Trolls, that’s who. So I decided not to take this lying down, I was going to hunt my troll. So I went on her Amazon page, and looked at all the things she bought, and I kid you not I found her real name. I found her work place. I found her address, and her email address. I even found a picture (don’t look at me like that, I write detective novels, what did you expect?). Now the only question is, “What would I do with this information?” The answer is scheme.
Stage 2: The Scheming
So as I lay in bed that night, scheming like a champ, I came up with three possible acts of vengeance:
- Email her and avail myself to her human side, making my case politely, and asking her to take down the unfair trolling review. Maybe I’d quote God or something.
- Email her and threaten to cook her children if she didn’t take down the unfair trolling review. Maybe I’d quote God or something.
- Join Ashely Madison and every swinger site there is under her real name! Or better yet: I’d sign her up on Fiverr, those people never let you delete an account!
As you can imagine I chose to go with option 3. Does that make me a bad person?
Stage 3: The Execution
So the next morning I hopped back onto my Amazon page and looked up my troll. It was time to exact some sweet revenge. But here’s the thing; right above her nefarious vitriol sat other reviews, and each one was really kind. Also, there were a handful of strangers who came to my aid with supportive comments, and all of a sudden my general happiness outweighed my righteous anger, and I was reminded of the old saw in fiction: everybody’s the main character of their own story. So what kind of main character did I want to be? A villain or a hero?
I knew the answer. So I put my dreams of revenge aside.
And… The Obligatory Moral
I learned a few things from the past few days of self-torment. The first is that if you fight fire with fire you just end up with more fire. Lowering yourself won’t make you even. In fact, there’s no way to get even, and all you’ll end up doing is increasing the badness in the world. The second is that the bullies of the ether should be afraid. It’s getting easier and easier to discover their identities, which lets us show everyone what kind of people they really are. And finally, revenge may be a dish best served cold, but justice served with a smile and a pinch of irony is a hell of a lot more fun to eat.
So I did the only thing I could. I smiled as I pressed ‘edit’ and added Dorothy A’s comments to my editorial reviews. So now when you visit Dane Curse’s Amazon page you’ll see this:
Editorial Reviews
“Written with intelligent humor, easy dialogue, and an action-packed story line, Dane Curse is a must-read.” – Please Pass The Books
“Five stars… Filled with lots of action and humour, and will keep you engaged and entertained.” – Jael’s Reviews
“One Star- I didn’t read it…” Dorothy A. (AKA Muffiemae)
Yeah, that just feels right.
How about you? Have you been trolled? What did you (or could you) do?
I’ll be reviewing Matt’s wonderful first book, Dane Curse, very soon. But why wait? If you’re a fan of classic superheroes and hardboiled detectives, you should check out Dane Curse.
Dane Curse
Sometimes even the unjust deserve a little justice
If you lose a black cape, and can’t go to the cops, then you come to me because that’s what I do. I’ve been in the game for years. I know all the curves and all the angles, and if it gets rough then so be it, I got plenty strength, I’m double tough, and I never quit. And if need be I’ll pull my artillery to get you some answers, because I don’t care about the mistakes you’ve made or how you chose to live your life, sometimes even the unjust deserve a little justice.
At least that’s how it was before a mysterious murder threatens to plunge Gold Coast City into a super powered war unless I find the killer in five days’ time. But getting to the truth won’t be so easy. I’ll have to face ruthless black capes with secrets to hide, a powerful government agency bent on national expansion, and even teams of white caped heroes whose intentions are less than pure.
No easy task for a small time PI, so I’ll need every bit of my strength and guts if I’m going to find the killer, save my city, and maybe even get some justice for the greatest hero the world has ever known.
Dane Curse is available on:
Amazon US | Amazon UK | Barnes & Noble | Smashwords | Blog
Paul said:
Nice job Matt – I am impressed, you were the bigger person.
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barbtaub said:
Thanks, Paul. Are you pouring anywhere today?
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Paul said:
I have a post submitted to Willow, but she had a family emergency. Her family can use our prayers at this time.
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sknicholls said:
Hahaha! LMAO. I wish I could like this twice. 🙂
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barbtaub said:
I know…Matt handled it MUCH better than me.
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quiall said:
If you play with fire you will get burned! I love your reaction to the troll!
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barbtaub said:
Me too!
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Mary Smith said:
Nicely done 🙂
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barbtaub said:
I have to agree. It’s so SO hard to step back when someone is being a jerk, so well-done Matt!
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Grab the Lapels said:
I’ve had a few authors attack my reviews, and I have to say, I will never read their books again. I write careful reviews that always include evidence for my thoughts, which I know not all reviewers do. Here’s a rule I noticed a few years ago: when an author defends him/herself: there is zero winning. None. Everyone thinks the author is a monster come to stomp on the small town of Reviewville where we just want to write our reviews and read our books in peace. BUT! If a reviewer is a totally rude jerk, other REVIEWERS will come to the defense of the author, including people who then declare they will read the book just to spite the jerk reviewer, though they hadn’t intended to read the book before. As an author, sit back and watch the show. Side note, I do know that some reviewing sites, like Goodreads, will actually warn authors who comment on too many reviews of their own work, even if it’s to say thanks for the review, to stop harassing people. Final comment: I think adding the lady to your book description was a fantastic idea, much like those restaurants that put out the signs that say things like, “Come here to eat the worst pulled pork sandwich one guy from New Jersey has ever eaten!”
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Terry Tyler said:
I love this, mostly because Matt admitted that he didn’t do that totally mature thing we’re all told to do, and just ignore it!!
I have had a couple of ‘troll’ reviews. Both were ages ago, when I was new at this; one was from a woman who had been trying to goad me into an argument on Twitter, so went on to trash both my books in one review (like, the first one was so bad she read the second, just to make sure…), and the next was from a man heading a group of people who were trying to bring down certain writers (I won’t go into the details here). The latter one I got removed from Goodreads and Amazon.com but it’s still on UK, and the second one I left up because it’s just silly! Though I did get her original one removed, so she tried again with a different account.
FYI – Amazon and Goodreads WILL remove troll reviews (I imagine it might have been easier 3/4 years ago when this happened, though), but they must be genuine trolling, not just a bad review!!)
Generally speaking, yes, I reckon it’s best to ignore them ~ trolls thrive on interaction.
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shelleywilson72 said:
I love this, well done Matt. You were able to turn the other cheek, when others would have crumbled – I can’t remember where that quote came from…errr, think it was God or something! Brilliant 🙂
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Jo Ann Kairys said:
I really appreciate this, having just received feedback from a top national reviewer who basically summarized my book and doesn’t understand kids. Despite highest praise for the illustrations, the reviewer’s writing was weak and redundant. I’d like to review the review!
So I experienced a similar flight or fight reaction, stewed for a bit, then just singled out the praises content for marketing. Then I felt troll-free.
Love your article and humor!
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Dracaena Wines said:
Haha. I like your comment about fighting fire with fire. Very true, but very hard to live by sometimes. Plus you taught me something, didn’t know what a troll was, but I now know. And I’m guessing that is what Amazon is suing people over. (heard it on the news this morning.) Kudos for you for taking the high ground. (and now I’m going to go find your book. :o)
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Ali Isaac said:
Wonderful post, Matt, I’m so proud of you and you got your perfect revenge in the end! Yaaay!
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