Tags
[repost while I’m traveling!]
A new year is about to start and that can only mean one thing. (Or two things if you include trying to figure out WTF “Auld Lang Syne” means…) All over the world, people are about to go to a lot of time and trouble to come up with New Year’s resolutions and then they will actually try to keep those resolutions. This is so wrong in so many ways:
- You have to list the things you don’t like about yourself and your life.
- Even though it makes you and everyone around you miserable, you have to attempt to achieve your resolutions.
- Eventually (often helped along by marital references to divorce attorneys, speculation about life insurance purchases, and the suspicious appearance of a long, narrow, deep new flower bed) you admit that you are a total failure and abandon your resolution.
- Then the next year, even though you’ve done all that, you have to do it again. (See #1)
I submit that all that work, trouble, and pain only serves to increase your stress levels and your expanded carbon footprint, leading to your death and the eventual destruction of the entire world. Personally, I think it’s healthier and more socially responsible to recycle. For example, I’ve been using the same resolutions for the past two decades. If you really want to save, you’re welcome to use mine too.
For 1994 2004 2010 2014 2015 2016 , I resolve to:
Be nicer to my husband. Be nicer to my ex-husband. Be nicer to random strangers who don’t smell too bad.Be nicer to the Vice-President. After all, somebody’s got to. ”If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there’s still a 30% chance we’re going to get it wrong.”—Joe Biden, speaking to members of the House Democratic caucus who were gathered in Williamsburg, Va., for their annual retreat, Feb. 6, 2009Stand up to my boss. Get a new job. Become a writer.Take my own business trips whenever my husband leaves town so the dog can’t get even with me any more. I think she was still angry with me for telling about her UPS fetish, because she waited until my husband was away to knock me down the stairs. After she removed my feet from contact with the stairs, I decided it would be a good time to learn to fly. When it became clear that this would not be a particularly successful attempt, I began to make plans for my landing. With the husband out of town, I felt it might not be a good idea to land on my head, as I might need it to find the dog and kill her. So I devised a three-part mid-air plan. Part 1: flail my arms and scream. Part 2: wrap arms around my head and land directly on my Part 3: If you think of me as the world, with my arms wrapped around the USA, Burkina Faso took a direct hit. Ouagadougou! (Sister Mary Geography was right—she always said that someday we’d need to know how to spell the capitol of Burkina F.) For days now I haven’t been able to sit on equatorial Africa, and I have a bruise you wouldn’t believe that goes clear across to Indonesia. As I lay there the dog actually had the gall to come up and lick Florida. If I could have moved, I’d have had Okinawa fire off a few missiles in her direction.Get in shape to run a marathon. Get some cute workout clothes and join an extreme-zumba class at the gym. Power walk around the block while moving my arms up and down like that will do a damn thing.Power shop the Nordstrom Anniversary sale while waiting for my number to be called for a restaurant table.Give up chocolate. Coffee. Candy.Skittles. (Well, the orange ones anyway…)Get closer to the rest of humanity by donating time and money to work for worthy causes. Send them a check in time for the tax deduction. Get closer to my family.Get even with my family for some of the presents we received in this and past years. I thought that Santa was a few jolly old ho-ho’s short of a load when he brought us the Atomic Pinball with Arcade Sound, but there’s not too much I can do about that. But my own sisters sent my son the Talking Land Shark Slippers when he was five. Each basketball-sized slipper lived up to its promise to “…let out the suspenseful Jaws theme or a spine-tingling scream with every other playful step.” I suggested that we might want to exchange them for something more appropriate for a five year-old, like his own nuclear weapons program. But he wouldn’t dream of relinquishing the right to thill and entertain me in the predawn hours with a shark attack, “da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM, AAAAIIEEEEEEE!!!” So if any of you readers are veterans of Christmas gift escalation, I would appreciate your advice for next year. I’m looking for that ideal revenge gift—loud enough to annoy every neighbor in a four-state radius, and with enough small, sharp pieces for them to step on until their children have passed puberty.- Oh, yeah, and I resolve to help create harmony, brotherhood, and whirled peas for everyone (except my sisters and the dog).
Wishing all a happy and peaceful
199420042010201420152016 (It could happen…)
Pingback: In 2014…no 2015… I resolve to… okay in 2016 I resolve to… | musnadjia423wordpress
The Joyce Half of Poppies and Popcorn said:
Perfect! If at first we don’t succeed, scale it down!
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
In the immortal words of W.C. Fields: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
LikeLiked by 2 people
sknicholls said:
Re-evaluating goals is a necessary thing, isn’t it? I refuse resolutions. I’m banking on good health and warding off dementia long enough to finish a few books but really have no time table.
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
I’ve always been skeptical of formal goals. They just remind me of those 5 and 10-year plans that totalitarian governments make but never actually achieve…
LikeLiked by 2 people
mirymom said:
Reblogged this on Mirymom's Blog and commented:
This is how I’m feeling about New Year’s Resolutions this year, too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Thanks so much for the reblog! I’m very flattered.
LikeLike
susielindau said:
You are HILARIOUS! I’m glad you survived your fall. That sounds horrific. Love that computer set up. I got a super cool computer set up thingy so I can stand up and type. I just need to stand up and set it up..
Happy New Year to you, Barb! I’m hoping for a better year too! This has got to be the ONE!
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
I really think this is going to be your year. You have all your ducks in a row and I’m guessing this the one where you go big.
LikeLike
susielindau said:
Oh, I really hope so, Barb. Thanks so much for ALL your support! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
claywatkins said:
Goo luck in your goals and your book. Happy New Year.
LikeLiked by 1 person
claywatkins said:
Should be good not goo, but the intent was there!
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
I’m kind of liking goo luck! It sounds properly sticky and delicious. Goo luck to you too!
LikeLike
Dr Ruth 2point0 said:
Good stuff!! lol
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Thanks so much!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bastet said:
I resolve to … hmm .. now where was I … ah yes … Hope 2016 smiles upon you from Ouagadougou to Tallahassee. Hugs!
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Tallahassee just got a licking, but Ouagadougou is in big trouble.
Hope 2016 is the best year ever for you too!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bastet said:
Thanks … now that is a great New Year’s resolution … let’s make the upcoming year the best possible! 🙂 Hugs.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Theresa Milstein said:
Now these are my kind of New Year’s resolutions. Thanks for the laugh. And happy new year!
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
So glad you laughed! And a very happy 2016 to you as well.
LikeLike
judithbarrow1 said:
Reblogged this on Barrow Blogs: and commented:
Barb, you are so funny – and so right. I once worked with a chap who made it through every day by walking around the offices with notepad and pad. No one knew what he did exactly (we were in the Civil Service, after all) and his favourite phrase, when asked about a particular problem was ” if at first you don’t succeed – give up”. This has become a family saying much in the way “JFDI” has become the opposite (don’t ask – it’s rude). Thanks for all the laughs in 2015.
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Judith, we must both lead sad lives because I know what JFDI means too… But I adore your notepad guy! What a terrific gig he found for himself.
LikeLike
Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life. said:
Reblogged this on Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life and commented:
Before you spend hours writing your list of resolutions for 2016 read this post by Barb Taub and hold the presses. Personally still trying to finish the list I wrote in 1969… Happy New Year.
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Thanks so much for the reblog. For some reason your comment reminded me of the Class of 69 that was several years ahead of me in high school. The nuns never got why their t-shirts “We Love 69” were collectors items…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life. said:
Pleasure Barb.. great post. One of my addresses was 69 Windy Ridge! The postman was bemused by the number of letter I received addressed in French! hugs
LikeLiked by 1 person
TanGental said:
Fabulous Barb. I thought of a revenge gift my aunt gave us – a telephone hand set that’s plays Karma Chameleon and is shaped like a gecko with spines that stick in your fingers. The tune is so bloody irritating that you prefer perforationsomething and point salespeople to that egregious earworm. Happy new year
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Mwahahah! That’s the BEST revenge gift ever. Where can I buy them? (Lots)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Catherine Hokin said:
Presents that my Dad bought the kids when they were too young for me to swear at them (ask Daniel, there was ‘an incident of unacceptable maternal cursing’ in Berlin, to his everlasting joy) – Christmas stockings with mice that sing (still) jingle bells in deranged drugged voices, furbies that talked to each other and caused more cursing, singing parrots. And people wonder why I drink…
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Furbies are the devil’s tools. No question. But those mice? I’m still shuddering.
LikeLike
vanbytheriver said:
So much fun to laugh before breakfast. Thanks. And Happy New Year ??? ☺
LikeLiked by 1 person
Charles Yallowitz said:
Great post. Though I really don’t want to know what whirled peas are. Icky.
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
It’s actually a play on words. Beauty contestants are always all about “world peace”. But a few years ago, I started seeing t-shirts and bumper stickers proclaiming their owners’ dedication to “whirled peas”. (Don’t worry–no actual peas were injured in the making of this blog post.)
LikeLike
Charles Yallowitz said:
Got it. Never saw the shirts and it does sound like a gross side dish. I mean, people eat this tasteless sand called quinoa, so I won’t be anything by them.
LikeLiked by 1 person
kimwrtr said:
On the radio the other day, they said when making new year resolutions you shouldn’t be too specific. For example, instead of saying, “I won’t eat chocolate,” say “I will eat healthier food” or some thing like hat. Change the negative to positive. Also that way you can eat chocolate as long as you eat healthy food, too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
I still think that leaves room for failure. I’m thinking a resolution that says “I will eat” or maybe “I will have at least one coffee and a chocolate every day”. Much safer…
LikeLiked by 1 person
patriciaruthsusan said:
Hilarious, Barb. I laughed out loud at this post. I don’t bother with resolution anymore more as I’m too old to care. 😀 — Suzanne Joshi
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
You’re my heroine. So glad you like the post!
LikeLike
carol hedges (@carolJhedges) said:
Yep..this is me too…hahahaha
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
The way I see it, by our age we have already achieved all the perfection we could possibly need. Thus resolutions are irrelevant.
LikeLike
Terry Tyler said:
I adore numbers three and four – the skittles bit made me laugh out loud!!!! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Ewww. Fake orange flavor…so WRONG anywhere but where god intended it to be (chocolate oranges at Christmas).
LikeLike
Lisa Orchard said:
Great post! I’m not doing resolutions this year. I’m just changing a few habits. 🙂 Stopping over from #Sundayblogshare!
LikeLiked by 1 person
barbtaub said:
Thanks so much for stopping by Lisa! Good luck with the habit changes. And happy 2016!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lisa Orchard said:
Same to you!
LikeLike
The Regular Guy NYC said:
It’s all about the anti-resolutions!
It’s been a great blogging year! Looking forward to reading more in 2016. Happy New Year Barb!
LikeLike