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art projects, cats, Child, creativity, Film, Gretchen Wilson, Gulf War, humor, Mother, Movies, music, New York Times, parenting, Redneck Woman, Shopping, Valentines Day, writing
While I’m on the road this month, here is a repeat from Valentine’s Day past. Happy Valentine’s Day and wishing you much chocolate!
Back in the BC era (Before Children), I considered myself a reasonably cultured person.
- Books? I bought them in hardbound so I’d be early enough to disagree with the review in the New York Times.
- Movies? I saw them before Siskel & Ebert.
(Barb’s Guide to Films: if the characters kiss a lot, have sex, and then kill each other, it’s American. If the characters smoke a lot, have sex, and then kill themselves, it’s foreign.)
- Music? I once sat through an entire performance of Nixon in China. On purpose.
- Food? I ate pasta before they stopped calling it spaghetti. Even before you could get squid-ink pasta with arugula oil at the Jewel.
- News and Current Events? I cared about who won the Booker Prize. Really.
But in the years AD (After Delivery) things changed.
- Books? After spending three hours in the children’s section of the library picking out 47 titles in the “Shelley’s Sleepover Surprise” series for my daughters and another 35 of “Sammy Skunk Surprises Shelley” for my son, I only had time to grab whatever adult library books haven’t yet been reshelved as I was checking out. Some titles I totally did not make up: Do It Yourself Coffin for Pets, Snow Caves for Fun and Survival, 101 Uses for a Dead Cat (Actually, this one was useful — we’ve had lots of cats.)
- Movies? If it didn’t feature an animated rodent, I didn’t see it.
- Music? I’d sing “Shake, shake, shake my sillies out” along with the Raffi tape. Then I’d realize two things. I knew all the words. And I was only one in the car.
- Food? We favored restaurants where the paper-wrapped entrees came boxed with a plastic surprise. Occasionally we scored a babysitter (preferably someone new in town who hadn’t heard about that incident involving the four-year-old, the banana, sixteen metal miniature cars, and the microwave) and we went to a restaurant with cassoulet and candles instead of children and ketchup. But I still had an uncontrollable urge to grab a stack of napkins “just in case” and to cut up somebody’s meat. And I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had to eat fast because when the food arrived, somebody would announce that they hafta go right now.
- News? Luckily not much happened from mid-80’s to mid-90’s. Until the Gulf War, I only turned on the news to find out which day it was so I wouldn’t miss trash pickup. Again. Of course, in 1989 I did have to tune in for the Collapse of Godless Communism and the Triumph of Western Ideals of Freedom, Capitalism, and Fast Food Franchises. And the Kennedy rape trial.
UPDATE: With the departure of Child #4, I’ve now graduated from AD to LBWKLH&DD**.
**(A priest, a minister and a rabbi were talking about when life begins. The priest said: “Life begins at conception.” The minister said: “Life begins when the fetus is viable.” The rabbi said: “Life begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.”)
- Books and Music? Thanks to e-book readers and noise-cancelling headphones, I now sit on public transportation and nobody can tell I’m actually reading Debby & the Duke do Dallas while listening to Gretchen Wilson’s Redneck Woman, (although I get some odd looks when I belt the “Hell, Yeah’s” out loud…)
- Movies? Playing catch-up. Apparently some movies in the 80s and 90s did not have animated rodents. Who knew?
- Food? I live in England. I can only dream of In-N-Out Burgers…
- News? Thanks to Twitter, I’m on it. #trending, #snowday, #Hell(MI)FreezesOver
But there is one day a year that separates the BCs, the ADs , and the LBWKLH&DDs. Valentine’s Day.
From the recession, I know that eating in is the new eating out. From watching Hallmark commercials, I know that Mr. BC arrives with flowers, candy and a card expressing his deepest thoughts in rhyming couplets. And from reading Cosmo in the grocery store checkout lines, I know that Ms. BC, wearing some X-rated lingerie, shows him into the dining room where they share an intimate candlelit supper pour deux. (Whipped cream optional).
Yes, readers, the real dividing line between BC, AD, and LBWKLH&DDs is – the dining room. BCs have one. ADs have a room which was described by the Realtor as a formal dining room, but which has not been the site of an actual meal since Thanksgiving of 1987.
As a BC, I didn’t want the other moms to think I was sacrificing my children’s self-expression and creativity on the altar of crass commercialism by having them send out pre-Hallmarked Garfield valentines with little candies attached. So each year I excavated the dining room table from under the sewing machine and a few dozen of my current sewing and quilting projects. Then I re-covered the table with enough art supplies for my kids to make valentines for every child in a three-state radius. After days of creative self-expression, each child would have turned out one masterpiece such as: “Roses are red, Violets are pink, Mom makes me send cards to the whole class, but you still stink.” (Cue the late-night run for whatever candy-clad valentines were still left in the stores.)
But I’m ready for this Valentine’s Day. When my husband arrives and asks, “Hey, this wasn’t one of those holidays where I have to DO something, was it?”, I will strike a sultry pose in my Life’s too short to stuff mushrooms apron, and hand him his valentine:
Roses are red. Some Violets are white. Let’s do something wild, spontaneous and different RIGHT ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE. Let’s eat there tonight.
Vanessa-Jane Chapman said:
Love this post! I don’t care if it’s a recycled post, as a pretty new follower of yours, it was new to me! The mention of the Raffi tape got me in the gut, that emotional punch we get when a memory from the past hits us – I was living in the States when my daughter was born, up until she was nearly 3, and the Raffi tape was a regular feature in the car, I had kind of forgotten about it till you mentioned it and it brought all those memories flooding back of it, and yes, I too would sometimes be singing along, only to realise I was alone in the car and had totally missed the opportunity to listen to grown-ups’ music!
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barbtaub said:
Raffi has a LOT to answer for…
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Judith Barrow said:
Reblogged this on Judith Barrow and commented:
This is hilarious! #sundayblogshare
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much Judith!
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Judith Barrow said:
Always knew I’d get that #sundayblogshare in the wrong place.Lol. And have you ever done what I did … point out the lambs that go “baaaa” to the horrified man next to you on the train? Grandson age nineteen and granddaughter age six coming to stay with us tonight. Wonder what we’ll watch on TV this evening. In other words, who will win or will we all be sitting in separate rooms?
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The Story Reading Ape said:
Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:
Laugh, it’s Valentine’s Day (bet I get into trouble for saying that) 😀
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much for the reblog! And Happy Valentine’s Day.
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The Story Reading Ape said:
Welcome Barb – great post 👍😃
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adeleulnais said:
i love this song, so much. I want to be in the truck spinning mud. I come from an island and we had a farm, so hell yeah.
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barbtaub said:
Here’s to all my sisters who are keeping it country!
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TanGental said:
Fab as always Barb. My favourite use for a dead cat? The desk top pencil sharpener – what does that say about me?
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barbtaub said:
Um…that you’re into recycling? Go green!
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TanGental said:
Indeed, let’s take the positives..
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davebarclay1954 said:
Reblogged this on barclaydave and commented:
Wonderful witty way to start Valentine’s Day with a smile.
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barbtaub said:
I really appreciate the reblog. Thank you so much!
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davebarclay1954 said:
You’re welcome and thanks for the original post 😃
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Mary Smith said:
So funny, Barb. I laughed at you singing along to the Rafi tape before realising you’d no kids with you. When my son was small we used to hold hands climbing stairs and count the steps out loud as we went. In a posh department store I wondered why I was getting funny looks. Of course, I was minus child. Thank goodness I hadn’t reached to grab someone’s hand.
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barbtaub said:
When the kids were small, we didn’t get out much. But one time we did manage to score the last sitter in town who hadn’t heard about us yet. So there we were in a super fancy restaurant, tablecloths and waiters dressed way better than us. I noticed that one of them was staring at me and realized that I had just offered to cut up my husband’s steak.
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Elyse said:
On the dining room table — my husband took it over 5 years ago. He works at home and didn’t want our aging dog to have to climb the stairs. The dog died 2 years ago. The dining room apparently died 5 years ago, because it has been buried for years.
On the music — my son had one cassette tape we listened to for 2 years. Thankfully it was a folk group I love (Schooner Fare) and we all went to see them during this time. I told one of the band members I’d been listening to that tape for 2 years. He was horrified.
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barbtaub said:
Oh I remember them! I have only one of their songs, “We the People”. I think I heard them on NPR? If you have to listen to one thing for two years, that’s a darn good choice!
When are you going to tell your husband that the dog died?
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Elyse said:
I’m waiting for John to find the skeleton on the table.
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barbtaub said:
Um… not sure how to put this, but I really hope nothing happens to you. It might be years before your husband notices.
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Elyse said:
Rest assured, I’m safe. He’d notice if I didn’t make dinner or go to the grocery store. Or talk politics with him.
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lynhorner said:
Reblogged this on Lyn Horner's Corner.
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much for the reblog. I really appreciate it!
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Don Massenzio said:
Great post
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barbtaub said:
Thanks Don!
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Let's CUT the Crap! said:
😀 😀 😀 And then along come grandchildren. Is Raffi still popular?
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barbtaub said:
I don’t think so, but then our only grandchild is two months old. She hasn’t mentioned her favorite music groups yet.
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macjam47 said:
I loved this post. I can identify with everything here. LOL. A belated Happy Valentine’s, Barb!
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