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There was a video making the rounds on Facebook last week, a collection of clips from Hollywood movies of “women who needed a spanking”.
I know. I couldn’t watch it either, and I’m certainly not going to link to it, even if its point is that things used to be worse.
But it did get me thinking about the ways some things have actually changed or are changing. For one thing, outside of specifically labeled BDSM mainstream films [cough, Fifty Shades, cough, cough], men hitting women “who need it” isn’t really a thing these days. Mom-shaming is out, and so (supposedly) is body-shaming. Same-sex marriage is legal, and gender pay equality is at least the law (if still pretty far from the reality). A woman is challenging the highest and glassiest ceiling of all by running for president. Seriously.
I have a son-in-law who leaps up and has dishes done before we even set down our forks. I have a daughter who actually understands how those little cartoon guys want us to put together IKEA furniture. I have a husband who makes the bed every morning—although, if I’m still in it, he makes it right over me.But still… I have a new granddaughter, and I’d really like to believe that she’ll grow up to make as much money as any grandsons I may have. I’d really like to think she could take a bus home at night without having to keep her keys between her fingers, or walk down a street without people whistling at her and telling her to smile.
I want all the big things for her, but I’d also like to hope that things will improve in a couple of teeny little areas that still need work. All progress considered, this blast-from-the past from my 1990s newspaper column in The Champaign-Urbana News Gazette is not nearly as dated as it should be in the new millennium.
Men and women, women and men. It will never work.—Erica Jong
Even though most men are raised by women, it sometimes seems they not only speak different languages but have evolved parallel cultures which make Miss Manners and the Missing Link look like the ideal couple. I decided to test this theory with a rigorously scientific survey of a group of women who happened to wander past my house. [full disclosure: white wine may have been involved. Lots.]
Question: where do men learn the little nuances of manhood?
We didn’t come up with any answers, but a number of interesting points were raised.
- How do men find out that it’s okay to discuss the day’s events while flossing their teeth?
- Who tells them that used manly underwear needs to marinate on the bathroom heater?
- How did men determine that you have the ‘L’-of-shame as a forehead tattoo if you:
- Stop and ask for directions?
- Let her drive when you don’t have at least one limb (preferably several) encased in a plaster cast?
- Let your kids make more than one potty stop per trip?
I am certain his mother never mentioned that it’s unmanly to wipe off kitchen counters, but almost every guy knows it. He knows that he doesn’t need to wash the pots and pans either because the Fairy Godmother of the Kitchen will handle that. You remember the Fairy Godmother? She also goes into the bathroom occasionally to put a new roll of toilet paper on the spindle, although her reasons for doing so remain a mystery to him.
Did some mother sit her little males down and tell them, “When you’re big boys, you’ll want to spend all your waking and most of your sleeping time thinking about the two things which start with ‘S’, one of which is not ‘sports’?
Or like me, did she sit down with her little females and tell them, “Play with these toy trucks and tools, symbols of your brave new world?” The symbols remained untouched by Daughters #1 and #2. Then my son was born, and even before he could crawl, testosterone-poisoning dragged him over to one of those trucks and evoked the primal comment, “Rrrrrrrrrrunnnnn.”
A few years later, my four-year-old daughter was playing superheroes with two little boys. “No sexism here,” I congratulated myself.
“Hey, Wonder Woman,” bellowed Superman. “Make me and Batman some dinner.”
[I do take some tiny amount of comfort in the fact that Wonder Woman bellowed back, “Nuke it yourself. I’m writing.”]
Once I went to see the show designed and presented by the children in my son’s preschool class. First the little girls donned tutus and pirouetted to “The Sugarplum Fairy” from The Nutcracker. Next the little boys presented their version of “You Ain’t Nothing but a Hound Dog.” Like their model—not to mention most males between the ages of birth and death—the little Elvises devoted only about two-percent of their attention to the guitars they’d made out of rubber-bands and cardboard boxes, reserving their real concentration (and at least one hand at any given time) for monitoring the status of their Family Jewels.
Men do not, I’m sure have any easier time figuring out women. I remember my father shaking his head and telling his eight daughters, “Girls, whatever you do, don’t grow up to be women.”
But just take your average, with-it modern guy. He knows that PMS is out there waiting to turn a relatively rational partner into someone whose reply to, “Hello,” is, “What do you mean by that, you Neanderthal?” But he also knows that he must never, ever mention it. Even just the suggestion, “A touch of the old hormones?” and he could be pulling sofa-sentry until sometime next century. If he’s lucky.
Back when I was in high school, our nuns would whisper to us that boys were different.
“They have needs,” said Sister Mary Phys-Ed during PE/Sex Ed.
“They can’t control those needs,” continued Sister Mary-Library during English/Sex ed.
“You have to be strong for both of you,’ said Sister Mary-cafeteria during Study Hall/Sex Ed.
“Pray for purity,” Said Sister Mary-Arithmetic during Math/Sex Ed.
Our scholarly instincts demanded that we test this hypothesis. Thoroughly.
But just then we got liberated and found out that we had needs too. At first, ours weren’t any more interesting than theirs were. But then we got lucky and discovered PMS and The Biological Clock, the two greatest weapons in the war of the hormones since the headache.
For example, consider the scene at a typical party.
Cinderella: Hello, I’m doubled over with PMS-induced tension from spending my days clawing my way through the testosterone-dominated corporate world without sacrificing my feminine power. According to my enchanted basal thermometer, you only have until my biological clock strikes midnight to make a lifelong commitment to developing sensitivity to my needs, fathering my child, and guaranteeing that I live happily ever after.”
Prince: So, how about those Seahawks?
Fairy Godmother: Given where Cinderella stuck that enchanted thermometer, I think it’s safe to say this story did not end happily ever after.
None of this helps get toilet paper onto the spindle, but at least it might convince the Prince that the Fairy Godmother REALLY wants it there.
Elyse said:
In some ways things have gotten better. But I do wonder about this current generation of princesses and male superheros.
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barbtaub said:
It’s not completely hopeless. Here’s what my little Wonder Woman (who grew up to be a wonderful woman and a human rights journalist) wrote recently in an Open Letter From Wonder Woman to Batman:
Dear Mr. Wayne,
While I appreciate your invitation to join the “Justice League,” your new club for superheroes and also yourself, I am afraid I must decline.
Don’t get me wrong; I certainly applaud your gumption. It’s rather sweet that you seem to think saving the world requires me to join a club run by you. I am a literal ageless goddess with more than a century of knowledge of the world who can fly and use an arsenal of magical weapons. You’re a rich orphan with a trick jalopy who can’t tell the difference between a supervillain and a boat. Yes, of course, it’s only natural that you should be in charge and I should do the grunt work of recruiting “others like me.”
Right.
[see the rest of the letter here—
http://www.vox.com/2016/3/29/11323120/batman-v-superman-wonder-woman
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Elyse said:
Hilarious! What a stupid idea for a movie. BvS??? Grow up boys!
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S.K. Nicholls said:
My hubby can’t cook…anything except nuked pizza. A few days ago my female friend and I sat in the living room and watched my husband and his male friend sweep, mop, vacuum, and clean the bird cage while we chatted over a glass of wine. I HAVE ARRIVED, I thought out loud. I won’t let him starve.
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barbtaub said:
Congratulations! To both of you.
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Mary Smith said:
The toilet roll thing is really weird. Maybe there’s some kind of urban myth amongst men and so dads tell their boy children never, ever to replace the toilet roll because if they do – something dreadful might happen to their crown jewels. This is the only possible explanation for generations of men worldwide being afraid to replace the loo roll.
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barbtaub said:
Actually, they just can NOT figure out why we want it there, when a roll or two sitting on the back of the toilet works just as well.
There are many things in our house that my husband finds equally incomprehensible. For example, he can’t for the life of him understand why I pour liquid soap from its perfectly serviceable plastic carton into pump jars that I went out and wasted perfectly good money on. Tablecloths, food poured into serving bowls instead of the pans they were already cooked in, matching china, paying for flowers when it’s not even someone’s birthday… The list of household mysteries goes on and on.
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Mary Smith said:
They really are very odd creatures, aren’t they? 🙂
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Teagan Geneviene said:
Great post, Barb. I can’t help thinking there is too much “dumbing down” for the past ten years. I’ve had a few women tell me that I shouldn’t “act so intelligent.” And the word “intelligent” spoken in a way that made it seem like an alien concept to the woman speaking it… All that bra burning for… not much. Mega hugs!
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barbtaub said:
“…act so intelligent”????? I can’t even…
It is kind of scary though. I watched the ever-widening gap between kids like mine who had compulsive, obsessive parents making sure they took up every opportunity that came their way—we called it being ‘involved’ while the kids muttered about ‘control-freaks’—and the majority of the kids around them who were probably just as intelligent but content to slide by. I wasn’t a tiger mom by any standard, but when people said my kids were gifted, I replied that their biggest gift was their pain-in-the-tuchas parents.
They are now competitive, intelligent, competent adults—thanks to their own efforts, of course, but perhaps thanks to our efforts as well. I can still close my eyes and hear them bitching about music and language and science-camp and the rest of the opportunities we “exposed” them to!
Of course, I also said that someday they would thank me for that. That someday hasn’t rolled around yet!
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Wendy Janes said:
Wonderful post, Barb. Happy to report that my husband can find his way round a huge pile of dishes, so we both share the Washing-Up Fairy wings. However, our kitchen surfaces remain untouched by his fair hand. 🙂
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barbtaub said:
Great-aunt Fannie told me that most men will be helpful until it gets to the point where they have to stick their hands in something wet. I think she had a point…
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Judith Barrow said:
Reblogged this on Judith Barrow.
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barbtaub said:
You are so nice Judith. Thanks bunches!
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patriciaruthsusan said:
I was reading Teagan’s comment about “dumbing down”. I think it would have made me physically ill if I’d felt I had to teach my daughter to “dumb down” to attract a man. I was never taught to dumb down. It’s actually an idea that’s about 80 to 100 or more years old. I hope to goodness it’s not making a comeback. I know it’s still favored in some parts of the world. How sad. —-Suzanne
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barbtaub said:
I have to agree with you.
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linda1633 said:
Great post, Barb! I really enjoyed it. Especially since I was trying to become a police officer right after the federal government stated that they couldn’t discriminate against women. Brought back a lot of memories.
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barbtaub said:
So obviously you NEVER experienced any of that old gender bias after that, right?
My hat’s off to you for pioneering. I always thought it was wonderful for little girls to be able to see women in strong roles like that, and I’m sure you made a fantastic role model.
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linda1633 said:
Never experienced any of that old gender bias after that?
I wish.
My first job was as a state trooper, my class being the first to put women troopers on the road. Not a welcome move by the male rank and file. I went through hell with the post where I was assigned. They finally stated that I wasn’t “trooper material” and recommended my placement in a “non-trooper role.”
I’d had enough. I contacted the trooper’s association and laid the facts out. The all male association actually paid for an attorney to represent me in a discrimination suit. A first for them.
I actually kept a lot of the evidence. The attorney explained that I had “enough evidence to win a discrimination suit in every one of the 50 states and never use the same piece of evidence twice.”
By the time they finally caved and offered me my trooper position back, I had already been hired by Fort Worth, Texas.
I turned them down. Flat. You’d think that a southern city would have had an even worse position about women officers, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. They welcomed me with open arms from the very first. My recruiter called me constantly to ensure that I knew they wanted me. And my spouse at the time was even able to get a job in Dallas.
And that attitude continued through most of the department.
In recruit class, while undergoing a physical test, I beat every male in the class doing pushups, a ‘man’s test.’ When the lead male tried to claim I cheated, the Lieutenant can’t for the next test and supervised. Then he told the guy that I’d beaten him-again. And that he did not want to hear any more disparaging remarks about me, or any of the other female officers.
I’m sure you can see why I loved that department, and why I stayed with them for 30 years. 😉
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ichabod2014ic said:
I am completely innocent of all these charges!
…except for the hard-headedness concerning directions and refusal to be a passenger, even while heavily casted…
…completely innocent!
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barbtaub said:
Um…the judges have asked for a second opinion on this one!
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shelleywilson72 said:
I loved this, Barb! I read it last night on my phone so couldn’t see the fab piccies (I so need to get a bigger phone – or better glasses!!) Enjoyed reading it for a second time on my computer – at a better font size 😉
Fortunately, the man in my life did a long run off a short cliff so I’ve been able to show my two lads the art of closing the toilet seat and replenishing the paper. I’m going to stay single until they move out haha. 😉
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barbtaub said:
Someday, somewhere, your sons’ future partners will bless you!
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Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life. said:
Reblogged this on Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life and commented:
A brilliant look at the men vs. women conundrum.. and despite some things never changing.. Viva la difference as our French cousins say..
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Let's CUT the Crap! said:
I grew up surrounded by females. Only one sister produced a boy. However, dating and marriage showed me the ugly side. Wish I’d known what I was in for. Fantastic post.
Seems to me young women today are more confident and are clear their husband will help out with housework, grocery shopping, laundry, take the kids out for the afternoon on weekends. I’ve seen it and am in awe. 🙂
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