[NOTE: I just got a snotty email with a link to an album featuring all the handmade woodworking presents my baby brother made for everyone on his gift list (including everybody who lives on his street, attends his children’s school, or waited in line behind him at the grocery store. He wanted to know why I haven’t started finished my shopping yet. From last year…
So here is another repeat post from a few years ago. I’ll be out doing some Christmas revenge-shopping. I’m thinking his seven-year-old twins need electric guitars and a drum set. Ho, ho, ho!]
Have you received the traditional Christmas email from relatives and friends telling you how incredibly wonderful that past year has been for them?
Right. That’s why I don’t send them out either.
But maybe it’s time we got even. I’ve created a newsy, personal, generic form email letter. Simply send me the names of your family and your street address, and I’ll insert them into the following letter template.
Dear (check one)
___Unidentified Person Who Sent Us a Christmas Letter Last Year*. (*Even though we could never figure out who you were, but your letter said you were obviously so wildly successful we may want to borrow money from you soon):
__Loving Family and Friends**. (**As you can see from the following letter, we are wildly successful ourselves this year but we won’t lend you any money so don’t even ask.):
The fabulously successful Karpenagle family here at the impressive Karpenagle house on Maple Street in Champaign, IL, want to wish you a traditional Karpenagle Happy Holidays and New Year. (Not that you could possibly be as merry and happy as we are, of course, but you should never give up hope. Even if the new episodes of Sherlock and a winning lottery ticket are the only hope you have for the coming year…)
This year Myra Sue Karpenagle has been balancing her careers as nuclear physicist, fashion model, and mother of four. Her latest redecorating of the tasteful Karpenagle house here on Maple Street in Champaign, IL has been featured in several design magazines, while her selfless volunteer work on behalf of blind baby whales has won her the coveted Champaign, IL PTA Mother-of-the-Year award.
Wally Karpenagle has been promoted. Again. In his new position, he provides important policy advice to God. In his free time, he coached the little Melvin Karpenagle soccer team to its third consecutive World Championship. Also, he produced enough zucchini in the Karpenagle garden to feed several Third World nations, and published his cookbook, “1001 Things You Never Guessed You Could Do With a Zucchini”, which made the best-seller lists for three months in a row.
Young Wally Jr. Karpenagle is still doing well at the university. As captain, he led their football team to an unprecedented winning season while, of course, maintaining the straight-A average that has just won him a full scholarship to Harvard Medical School and an appearance on the “Wheel of Fortune”.
Luella Karpenagle has been enjoying her year abroad as a Rhodes Scholar. Her pathbreaking article on the sex life of newts was published in an actual scientific journal and she is negotiating with several major studios for the film rights.
Baby Fionella Karpenagle has, at 9 ½ months, begun talking in full sentences (Russian, French, and English) and is writing novels on the new iPoop Baby Genius tablet. Yesterday she toddled over to the piano and picked out a Mozart concerto, the Goldberg Variations, and an original overture.
Espotte, the impressive Karpenagel dog, was named Best of Show and Best of Breed on Earth. He was also featured in a recent “60 Minutes” report for his controversial attempts to keep the impressive Karpenagle house on Maple Street safe from the growing numbers of French poodles with silly haircuts in Champaign, Il.
We are enclosing some candid shots of the impressive Karpenagle family with friends. (President Obama is the one on the left, behind the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, and the Pope is the one with the little round hat.)
We in the Karpenagel family in the impressive house here on Maple Street in Champaign, Il hope we have served as an inspiration to you.
Love, Myra Sue, Wally, Wally Jr, Luella, Melvin, Fionella and Espotte Karpenagle
Actually, I only send out Christmas letters myself if we have moved recently and people will need the correct address to send gifts and money. This seems, in fact, to be a trend. So far, the only one in our house who has received a Christmas letter is the dog. Of course, she did send out a dynamite Christmas email last year.
Judith Barrow said:
Love this, Barb. We receive one of these each year from a relative of hubby. If all she says is true (being a JP/ school governor/member of church council/ friend to all with visitors every weekend/partaker of many holidays/ matriarch of family) I’m surprised she sleeps. Did once ask her to just add a few personal to us words in a card instead of the ’round robin’… but am convinced she sends the bloody things just to make me feel inferior!! Hey-ho!!
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barbtaub said:
That’s been my theory, but my (far nicer!) sister says that people don’t want to give their bad news at the holidays, so they are just ‘filtering’ out of holiday spirit. Ho, ho, ho?
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Judith Barrow said:
Hmm, don’t hear from her for the rest of the year. Really must stop my rant on this; think you’ve touched a raw nerve here, Barb. New Year’s resolution – be nicer? Hmm….
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Nico said:
OMG, I have relatives in Champaign, IL who do this, it hit a little too close to home.
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barbtaub said:
Ooops… sorry about that. I’m sure your relatives send lovely Christmas letters that are 100% fact-checked.
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Terry Tyler said:
Love it!!!!!!! I have only received a few of these. The first one I ever got was in the late 90s, when people still sent typed ones out – I just thought, what the hell is she sending me this summary of her year for? I hardly know her. I don’t think I ever heard from her again. I loathe and destest them. Well, everyone does, don’t they? My sister used to get them from a certain ex every year. She would ring us up and read it out, provoking much mirth. One day we wrote a piss-take one back, but she didn’t dare send it. I wish she had….
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Judith Barrow said:
We once wrote back to say we’d become Satanists and were home-schooling the kids and there were gypsy travellers renting both our lawns. She didn’t reply.
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barbtaub said:
ARe you kidding, Judith? That was probably the best Christmas letter she ever got. She lives in hope of a follow-up!
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Judith Barrow said:
No kidding! Hasn’t visited since.
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barbtaub said:
I’d give a lot to read whatever constitutes a ‘piss-take’ from you and Julia!
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Georgia Rose said:
I have received one of these every Christmas for the last 25 plus years from a crazy, but clearly tenacious, past secretary of mine. There is nothing I don’t know about the lifetimes, and achievements, of her entire family. It comes with a plaintive plea in the accompanying card for me to update her on my news but I haven’t even sent her a card for 20 years…Get the hint woman!!
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barbtaub said:
The thing is that there are truly a few people who send incredibly entertaining holiday letters, and (since I suck at correspondent) that really is the only way we keep up with each other some years. I’d be sad if they stopped. But they represent only about 10% of the ones I get.
Since Americans don’t really send Christmas cards any more, I’m a bit in awe of the people who actually type up their ‘news’ and address all those cards and apply all those stamps. You REALLY have to need to tell the world that you went to the same vacation place you’ve gone to for the past two decades.
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ksbeth said:
so funny –
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barbtaub said:
Thanks!
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Cathy said:
Love this, Barb 😀 😀 I must be one of the few who’ve actually never received one of these.
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barbtaub said:
Must be an American thing? We don’t send Christmas cards anymore…
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barbtaub said:
I think I’m going to have to write one up and send it just to you. Of course that would mean I actually have to buy Christmas cards. How does that work? Or maybe this would do?
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Cathy said:
Yes, of course it will! I’d hate to be the one to make you buy cards 😉
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Judith Barrow said:
No, no, it’s a British thing… from certain British people who are up their own backsides (can you tell I got another one from her this year and am writing this with gritted teeth?) Strange thing is, she never mentions her step daughter who got pregnant/married/divorced in that order… and cast out from the family. We get a nice card from her.
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barbtaub said:
I love that the step-daughter sends the nice card. Sounds like being cast out was the best Christmas present they could have given her!
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Judith Barrow said:
Yep, we agree. Nothing pretentious about her at all. The other thing that gets to me at Christmas are the people who live in the same village and don’t visit but always sens a card. What’s that all about?
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Skilbey said:
…round robins…..grrrr! Why can’t these people get a reality check? I haven’t received one for years now, but your post has brought it all back from Mr and Mrs Life Is So Bloody Perfect. Nice to know there are many of us suffering together- we are not alone, thank you!
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Judith Barrow said:
I think they’re hiding something, you know.x
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Skilbey said:
I think you’re right xx
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M. L. Kappa said:
And have you noticed, the uglier people’s kids are, the more they get featured on Xmas cards? Usually wearing clothes anyone else’s kids wouldn’t be seen dead in…
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barbtaub said:
I can’t comment there, mostly because (although my own kids were gorgeous, natch) , there was that smocking period in the eighties where my unfortunate kids were photographed in painfully frou-frou outfits. I had no shame…
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M. L. Kappa said:
Mine, being boys, based their sense of how chic they had to be depending on whether shirts had to be tucked in or not.😋
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Judith Barrow said:
LOL – ugly kids!! hilarious. We’re totally non PC here,!!
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M. L. Kappa said:
😱😋😋
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Elyse said:
If all Christmas letters were this funny, I’d welcome them. As it is, I lubricate my eyeballs as I open the envelopes, cause I know my orbs will be traveling around the top of my forehead Until the last syllable. 😕
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Judith Barrow said:
THAT’S what we should do Elyse… all send funny ones in return. That’d cure ’em. I only once did that but received no reply. ‘appen I’ll try again.
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Elyse said:
Sadly, the folks satire is aimed at so rarely see themselves mocked!
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Judith Barrow said:
I know but think of the satisfaction!
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carol hedges (@carolJhedges) said:
we actually send a Christmas letter ..BUT it is written by me …. nuff said. And yes, we have 2 sets of families who do the annual boastfest..only now they just send an email, can’t be bothered to write a card, so I delete it
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chainbreakercorporation said:
I don’t send gifts to abusive orcs anymore.
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Eileen said:
Loved this,. One year my best friend from high school and college and I exchanged two sided letters. The front side told about the kid with a scholarship to Harvard and the back side told about her DUI, the front side told about the tremendously handsome and athletic son and the back side admitted he had dropped out of college to play in a rock band. etc. You get the picture. We just pray for each other now.
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Jessie said:
Our Christmas Cactus wrote our letter this year. I can’t say he was super flattering in it, but it was nice of him to type it up for us…
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barbtaub said:
I’m guessing that everyone on your Christmas list is giving thanks for the best holiday letter of the season. (Maybe ever!)
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Jessie said:
Well, I had a few people saying they enjoyed it, I’m pretty sure I confused a few people and my Grandma asked me how I “learned to write like that“. I’m still trying to decide what sort of feeling was going into that comment it didn’t sound complimentary at the time. 😀
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