Thinking of writing a Western? As genre’s go, this one’s tropes are relatively easy to nail:

1. Set it in the American west during the roughly thirty years between 1865 and 1895
2. Mix in any/all of the following: cowboys, indians, bank/train robbers, guns, horses, and/or mules. (Have at least one WANTED poster hanging somewhere.)
3. Make sure the good guys—in white cowboy hats—win.

In short, the Western was a shorthand for the things we Americans believe ourselves to be—adventurous, brave, and entitled as hell. Here’s my proposal for a sure-fire Western bestseller:

The Seventh Cavalry Vacation theme park

A Western
by Louise l’Amour

What would you do if you knew there were dog-kicking card-cheating mouth-breather cowboys with questionable personal hygiene near the ones you love?

The one-horse, two saloons & a tanning salon town of The Seventh Cavalry Vacation Theme Park & Wax Museum holds a secret.

Miss Cassie, former Fastest Tattoo Gunner in the Midwest, has rebuilt her shattered life (following an unfortunate incident involving the Governor’s wife and a dirty tattoo needle) as a puppy-petting, regular bather woman, and has hung her shit-stompin red leather cowboy boots on her wall as a reminder of the evils of her former life. She is now working as The Seventh Cavalry Vacation Theme Park & Wax Museum’s marshall, and two-stepping with her Aw-shucks-ma’am boyfriend, Peaty The Plucky Homesteader.

The night of the shootout at high noon changes everything for Miss Cassie and Peaty. One moment, they are discussing tatts with Miz Annabelle at her Saloon & Tanning Parlour, the next, watching with horror as dog-kicking card-cheating mouth-breather cowboys lasso Peaty and drag him down Main Street, just because Peaty reminded the cowboys to wash their hands after visiting the outhouse.

Miss Cassie knows the cowboys are from the MainStreet@HighNoonSaloon but she can’t prove it—at least not without her shit-stompin red leather cowboy boots. However, when she finds the custom-tooled leather saddle from Peaty’s horse, Oldish Paint, in her cellar, she begins to realise that things are not quite as they seem in her beloved one-less-horse, two saloons & a tanning salon town. Peaty’s disappearance leaves Cassie with some startling questions about her past, and she sets off to the dark underbelly of The Seventh Cavalry Vacation Theme Park and Wax Museum to find some answers.

At first the people of The Seventh Cavalry Vacation Theme Park and Wax Museum are feisty and quick-on-the-draw. She is intrigued by the curiously Mom-&-apple-pie-loving saloon keeper at the MainStreet@HighNoonSaloon, Chuck Magical Native American. However, after Chuck introduces her to hard sarsaparilla, Cassie slowly finds herself drawn into a web of train robberies, bank jobs and perhaps, even puppy-kicking.

The sarsaparilla-scarfing woman knows that her puppy-petting, regular bathing life is over. She dons the shit-stompin red leather cowboy boots and is reborn as the hero who will save the world from dog-kicking card-cheating mouth-breather cowboys.

However, Miss Cassie finds herself troubled by her hard-drinking ideals and becomes overwhelmed with moral questions. Will her conscience allow her to do whatever is needed to stop the dog-kicking card-cheating mouth-breather cowboys?

Can Miss Cassie resist the charms of Chuck Magical Native American and uncover the secret of the tooled leather saddle from Peaty’s horse, Oldish Paint, before it’s too late, or will her demise become yet another legend of The Seventh Cavalry Vacation Theme Park and Wax Museum?

Genre Notes for The Western:

1. If Chuck Magical Native American applies feathers or war paint about his person/or shoots arrows (unless he’s moonlighting as an exotic dancer), if the bank or train is robbed by masked men in black hats, or if there is a gunfight in the street at noon, it is Wild West Theme Park. Bonus points if Miz Annabel is a former Soiled Dove and we all (wink, wink) know what her saloon & tanning salon “girls” get up to in their upstairs rooms.
2. 

   [image credit: Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope]

   If Miss Cassie is the captain of an interstellar spaceship with a lovable crew of misfit smugglers and Miz Annabel’s Saloon & Tanning Salon is host to one of the more wretched hives of scum and villainy in the galaxy, it is a Space Western. 
3. If Miss Cassie almost never speaks, wears a poncho, and/or befriends a small child for whom she reluctantly comes out of retirement to save the town (even though it means embracing the violence she is running from) to kill just about everyone in sight—bonus points if the small child is also killed—before riding alone into the sunset, she is the Western Antihero.
4. If Miss Cassie collects a motley crew of former sharp-shooting Knights of the Old West who pull together one last time to save the town in a direct ripoff of an Akira Kurosawa plot, it’s a Samurai Western. Bonus points if Miss Cassie uses a sword.
5. If the book is set in current times and Miss Cassie rides a motorcycle but still wears a duster to clean up the corruption of The Seventh Cavalry Vacation Theme Park, it’s a New Old Western.
6. If Miss Cassie is just about to face the leader of the unhygienic cowboys when suddenly a road crew shows up and extends the interstate right up Main Street, and the cowboys open an Orange Julius stand while Miss Cassie retires to start an internet cafe, it’s Twilight of the Old West and doesn’t that just drip irony.
7. If The Seventh Cavalry Vacation Theme Park is an actual ghost town and the cowboys are zombies, while Peaty’s ghost comes back to guide Miss Cassie at critical moments even though they can never be together in that way, it’s Weird West. Chuck Magical Native American will not be pleased, but I expect to make big bucks when it becomes a sure-fire bestseller that’s turned into a blockbuster TV series.

For a look at a Western that hilariously subverts most of its lovingly-reproduced tropes, please see my review below of The Lucky Hat Mine by JvL Bell.

[NOTE: I’ve never tried reviewing using Audible’s guided format, but I decided to give it a shot for The Lucky Hat Mine.]

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