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~WARNING: this blog post contains a really scary spider.~

DIY Penicillin“Tell me again why we need these?” We were surrounded by mountains of cardboard boxes, and the Hub was staring in disbelief at the one he’d just opened. The one containing (not one but three!) toilet roll holders, each with storage space for even more rolls. Then there was the copiously bubble-wrapped Taub Memorial Collection of Matching Liquid Handsoap Dispensers and Soap Dishes. He is completely mystified by my need to move perfectly accessible stashes of TP from where they belong—the floor next to the toilet (still in their original packaging, of course)—while at the same time decanting liquid soap from a perfectly usable plastic container into a different container. (And don’t even get him started on my compulsive need to run that dishwasher just because it’s full of dirty dishes when anyone can tell there is room to cram in at least one more coffee cup, or to throw away perfectly good leftovers just because they’ve been marinating in the back of the fridge long enough to have the cure for cancer culturing on their fuzzy surfaces…) Wives are weird like that. 

But this all reminded me that months ago, I wrote about the top ten reasons not to get married (for women). Several people asked for equal time for men, so I’m repeating the post below. Meanwhile, I’ve got to get back to unpacking moving boxes—hopefully, I’ll beat him to the one with the coasters, cloth napkins, and little bird statues before we have THAT discussion again…)

Your mother told you. Your friends warned you. Study after study showed you the facts: men who are married are richer and healthier. They live longer too. (No, it doesn’t just seem that way…)

'It became fashionable in the 1970s for the humiliated Thai wife to wait until her husband fell asleep, then sever his penis with a kitchen knife.' Photograph: Alamy http://www.theguardian.com/education/2012/nov/19/improbable-research-thai-women-cut-off-penis

‘It became fashionable in the 1970s for the humiliated Thai wife to wait until her husband fell asleep, then sever his penis with a kitchen knife.’ Photo credit: Alamy

This is the point where the dedicated unmarried bring up the relationship stories like, “Southern California woman convicted of cutting off the penis of her then-husband and throwing it into a garbage disposal.”

Okay, guys, you can uncross your legs now. And actually, the odds are with you. Even though 50% of marriages end in divorce, the vast majority of  some of occasionally those do not involve genital reattachment surgery. Moving on…

In addition to making men richer, healthier, and older, there are other advantages to marriage. Here are my ten top reasons for men to get married:

10. Sex. You’ll get regular sex without paying for dinner or pretending to enjoy chick flicks.

9. Guys can’t find things. Wives can. Y-chromosomes keep men from being able to move their eyeballs away from the item directly in front of them (unless it is wearing a bikini) or locate items covered by other items.

Honey, have you seen the milk? (Married men know the uterus is a tracking device.)

Honey, have you seen the milk or the cat? (Married men know the uterus is a tracking device.) [photo credit: Best-Memes

8. Fatherhood. Sure, you can accomplish that without marriage. But look what you miss out on:

  • Toys. Kids have much better ones these days, and Dad gets to play with them.
Your kids will have much better toys than you ever got.

Your kids will have much better toys than you ever got. [image credit: lustich.de]

  • Trains. Dads have been known to spend decades in the basement, “working on the kids’ trains”.
this is like one of those psychological tests where two people look at the same picture and see different things. For example, some men may see why playing with the kids' trains is so much fun. To others, this represents sex after years of marriage.

This is like one of those psychological tests where two people look at the same picture and see different things. For example, some men may see why playing with the kids’ trains is so much fun. To others, this represents sex after years of marriage. [Image credit: memeguy]

  • You get to embarrass your kids. And the best part is you don’t have to do a damn thing. Breathing pretty much nails it.

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Please let me be adopted, please, please, please… [photo credit: The Chive]

7. Sex. Faking it. Guys can’t. Wives will. There really isn’t much more to say here.

I'll have what she's not having.

I’ll have what she’s not having. [image credit: wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net]

6. Power tools. You’ll get them. If you’ve got a yard bigger than your bathroom, you’ll need a power mower, preferably kind you ride on, with interchangeable attachments that can double as a military vehicle in case of World War III. Married men need and deserve them.

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[image credit: gifak.net]

5. Sex. Well, yeah. Sure, giving up control of the TV remote is hard but… SEX.

4. The Kitchen Fairy and Bathroom Fairy will move in. Be especially nice to the Bathroom Fairy, because she knows the magic to make the vacuum turn on. The Kitchen Fairy is great too. Even though you’re a modern millennial-type guy who knows you’ll have to share the TV remote (eventually) and is perfectly willing to cook a meal pierce the film, the Kitchen Fairy has magic spells passed down through the ages for producing food in pots and pans. If it makes you feel better, you should know that the fairies really, really want you there. Who else would whap the spiders?

funny-nope-moment-fall-spider

[Image credit: CollegeHumor.com]

3. Shopping. No, you’ll still have to do it. But you’ll never have to make another decision again, even about her present because she’ll tell you exactly what to get there too. Win-win.

2. You won’t grow old and die alone and two weeks later when the neighbors complain about the smell, they’ll find you, sitting with your old-geezer bathrobe gaping open, with flies on your eyeballs and your dog eating exposed parts of your anatomy. So there’s that. [Oops, sorry guys! Tell you what — just keep those legs crossed. We’re almost done here…]

Superman regretted that he made Lois forget where his Fortress of Solitude is because he can't remember either.

Superman regretted that he made Lois forget the location of his Fortress of Solitude. Now he can’t remember either. [image credit: TerryMoore.com]

And what is the top reason for men to get married (other than being richer, healthier, getting lots and lots of sex, and never having to worry about remembering your mother’s birthday, because the Kitchen and Bathroom Fairies are all over that one)? You’ll be with the one person who knew you when you were younger, cooler, and had more hair. And she still sees you that way.

And there’s the sex thing.