Tags
Holidays, humor, international travel, lost luggage, luggage, packing, travel, travel with pets, vacation planning
As part of my well-organized life, I’ve carefully planned for blog posts while I’m away or busy. [When those who know me are done rolling around on the ground laughing and making disgusting little snorting noises… yes, you… okay any time now…] Right. This post is from a few years ago so I hope that both of you who read it back then don’t mind me posting it again.
Secrets to the perfect vacation
Oh, sure. You could carefully plan every detail of the picture-perfect vacation—leave nothing to chance, check and double-check every part of your upcoming trip.
But where’s the fun in that?
OR you could try my approach. It’s not that I don’t plan my trips—I just don’t plan them very well. But unless you’ve enjoyed hearing about how my holidays tend to go “tits-up” (as they say here in Glasgow) and want to share in the fun, you will need the following top ten tips for making sure you have the trip of your dreams.
10. Don’t bring your dog. “Dog Friendly” travel with Fifi generally means you sleep or eat in establishments where the other clientele look like extras from Deliverance. (The exceptions to these rules are the city of Paris and the entire UK, where dogs as accessories are de rigueur.) Of course, a dog is almost as useful a people-meeting tool as a baby, with the added benefit that your dog will be a much more cheerful traveling partner than your offspring, will probably not expect you to pay for a university degree, and will also not spend his entire adolescence refusing to be seen in public with you, resenting your very existence, and/or living in fear that you will embarrass him by… well, your very existence. Plus—with the exception of a lady in Edinburgh who told me I was a bad dog-Mom because my large, long-haired herding dog didn’t have a (plaid) coat and matching boots—the people you and Fifi meet won’t correct the way you dress, discipline, or feed your dog.
9. Don’t bring a car with double-digit age. Or anything remotely resembling a warranty. This is very important. Otherwise you’ll be forced to mention your alleged-vehicle in reverent tones, using words like “classic”. This guarantees that not only will you get a chance to exercise your dramatic skills by re-enacting various suspicious engine noises that you don’t even know the English words for, but you will learn several interesting new phrases such as “¿Este garaje tiene un inodoro que limpia?” (Does this garage have a toilet that flushes?)
8. Don’t speak the language. Despite this, try to speak it anyway by adding “o” and “a” to the end of most words. If you’re an American, you’ve already got this nailed.
7. Don’t pack carefully and sparingly. Bringing large suitcases containing everything you own gives you the opportunity to meet the exciting extroverts who staff airlines’ lost-luggage desks.
6. Don’t book anything in advance. You are a free spirit, not a slave to online services that show bathrooms and guest ratings. That guy at the Lost Luggage desk at the airport probably has some excellent hotel and restaurant tips he’ll be delighted to share because he’s charmed by how friendly your dog has gotten with his leg, and is probably so impressed with the way you worked into the conversation that one sentence about the pen of my aunt that you remember from high school language classes.
5. Don’t eavesdrop. Not only do people in foreign countries not have anything interesting to say, but they probably wish they were you. You can help them by talking about all the things that could be improved if they did them like you do at home. Just in case, you should probably raise your voice. That helps foreign people understand you better.
4. Don’t bring a mobile phone with a battery life of less than a half hour. If you can’t check your messages regularly (we recommend every thirty-seconds minimum), the world will probably end.
3. Don’t bring the local currency. Most foreigners want American money. Really. They get up each morning hoping against hope that someone will offer to pay in dollars they can use when they achieve their life dream of a trip to Orlando.
1. Don’t eat the food. Life’s too short to waste your time trying weird local specialties that are probably made with questionable hygenic standards, even if that is a great way to meet exotic foreign medical personnel.
Follow the above steps religiously, and all you’ll have is the trip you wanted. Ignore them like I do (okay, maybe I’m still working on #4) and you’ll take the trip of a lifetime. You might even live to tell about it.
ravenhawks magazine said:
Your trips sound like lots of fun.
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barbtaub said:
Well…The Hub gets twitchy when I greet each disaster with the phrase “I can blog that” but yeah—in hindsight our trips ARE fun. Sometimes it takes a LOT of hindsight though.
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ravenhawks magazine said:
Understood but, having a sense of humor about it helps later even if it isn’t present when the “fun” is happening.
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barbtaub said:
True. (Plus, I really CAN blog that…)
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ravenhawks magazine said:
True you can blog that and I enjoy the read even if I do cringe a bit at some of your experiences.
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gouparchery said:
nice
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barbtaub said:
Thanks!
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Judith Barrow said:
Think I’ll just stay at home!!
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barbtaub said:
Noooooooo! Judith, how could you possibly dine out on “So we just decided to stay home.” (Or even, “Our holiday went exactly according to plan. We…um…got plenty of sleep.”) It’s never the stuff that ticks along perfectly that makes the good stories. At least—I don’t think it is. Actually, I’ll probably never know.
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Judith Barrow said:
Ah, but you forget, Barb, we stayed at home and had visitors in our holiday apartment – the stories (weird and horrific) came to us.
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barbtaub said:
Hmmm. I do love your holiday let stories.
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Mary Smith said:
Funny! I particularly enjoyed #5.
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barbtaub said:
#5 is why I’ve been practicing looking Canadian. (I wonder if you can order those little maple leaf appliques online somewhere?)
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Mary Smith said:
A maple leaf tattoo, maybe?
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Mary Smith said:
In a prominent place, obviously.
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barbtaub said:
I don’t think Canadians do that. My theory is that Canadian moms order these little maple leaf badges by the gross, and when they find out their kids are going any place they might be mistaken for Americans, they sew one onto every item they’re bringing with them.
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Claudette said:
Hilarious
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barbtaub said:
Thanks, Claudette!
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josypheen said:
You’d be okay bringing your doggo to Vancouver! I have been pleasantly surprised about the number of pet friendly hotels. 😀
I don’t plan my holidays particularly meticulously either, but we always have a giggle.
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barbtaub said:
Since we lived in Seattle when she was a puppy, Peri has been to Vancouver often. She was NOT a fan of owners who rent bikes and expect their puppies to trot alongside instead of allowing them to properly follow a zigzag path so they don’t miss any of that yummy Canadian pee-mail. But all was forgiven during outdoor brunch on Granville Island. SO so much excellent food found its way down to her.
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Léa said:
That first line had me concerned. I am such a pantser… Before moving to France, though I already knew I would, i thought I should visit at least once. For the six weeks I had, my planning consisted of buying a plane ticket, getting a rail pass, booking a few nights in hostels and packing my backpack. No, this was not a gap-year trip. This was a post-retirement (okay so it was a forced early one) trip. It was perfect! If something sounded more interesting, okay so there was that night on the Seine when I didn’t make it back to the hostel… Ah, the memories. 🙂
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barbtaub said:
Now THAT’S a vacation! (Although, if you’d brought a dog with a dodgy food processing system and an old car with an even more dodgy one, just think of the stories you could tell!)
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Léa said:
I would need each nine lives of both my cats to tell all the stories I have now… No dogs, I was mauled more than once as a child and there is always a bit of fear that lingers. I would never hurt one, but there is no trust. You are right, that was a vaction! 🙂 His name was Luciene… Yes, I do have one photo outside du Louvre.
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calijones said:
“Film yourself at every possible moment so that when you get home you can see where you went and what it looked like.” 😂😂
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noelleg44 said:
We ignored about half of these, Barb, and had a great trip around Europe!
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barbtaub said:
Well done!
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Itinerary Planner said:
How about not talking to strangers. What a vacation breaker that would be. Loved this piece.
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barbtaub said:
You’re so right!
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Ali Isaac said:
Brilliant post, Barb! Outrageous and funny and sooooooo true! 🤣
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shelleywilson72 said:
Ha ha, I do love your posts, Barb! I’m definitely guilty of number two but I blame that fact on having three teenagers who have dragged me into the digital age! 😉
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