J’accuse!
One of my favorite bloggers—actually, sister act/writers Anita Dawes and Jaye Marie— accused me recently of volunteering. Saying “yes”. Sadly, I resemble that remark.
For heaven’s sake… and you actually volunteered for all of this? Seriously, though, nothing good ever comes easy. It’s a rule, okay!—jenanita01
We take you now to the Betty Draper Clinic’s newly completed YILT (Yes-I’d-Love-To) wing for a Volunteers Anonymous therapy session:
BARB: Hello, my name is Barb and I’m a recovering volunteer…”
How often has this happened to you? While every nerve ending in your being is screaming, “No! NO! NO!”, your lips (kidnapped by space aliens who replaced them with cloned Mrs. Brady-Bunch lips) are saying, “Yes, I’d love to…”
My mother will confirm that as a teenager, the word, “NO” constituted 90% of my interaction with the adult world. From there I went on to a human resources career of telling people why they weren’t going to get that interview/job offer/ one last chance to improve their performance/unemployment compensation.
My co-workers said I should have worn a black hood and carried an axe to work. Life was good. Too good.
Then I said, ‘I do’ and forgot how to say, ‘I don’t.’ It was as though labor and delivery of my children moved my control center from my brain to my womb.
BRAIN: “No Candy.” WOMB:”…before breakfast on school days.”
BRAIN: “NO television.” WOMB: “…after midnight on school days.”
BRAIN: No playthings which promote violence or sexist stereotypes.” WOMB: “…except for the Little Miss Americn makeover kit and the crossbow with the exploding grenade-tipped arrows.”
BRAIN: “No getting involved with the PTA, charity fundraisers, schools, or kids’ athletic programs.” WOMB: “Yes, I’d love to.”
My husband suggested I form a self-help group. The members would each take turns refusing to be the host. But it was no use. No only did each member volunteer to host it at her own house, but I volunteered to chair the fundraiser.
Of course, volunteering in your child’s classroom is just the gateway drug for the hard stuff. Before I knew it, I was volunteering for school board elections and tax increase referendums. From there, it was just a short, slippery slope to local politics. [**And yes, GrammarNazi, I know the proper term is ‘referenda’. But that just sounds stupid and you need to get a life. Maybe I could volunteer to organize a bake sale to raise money for your therapy.]
“I can stop any time,” I told my husband. “I’m doing this for you,” I assured my children as I set them down to another dinner of reheated Cheerios and swept off to meetings. “Someday you’ll thank me.”
They say you have to hit bottom before you can begin recovery. For me it was volunteering to organize The Mother of All Potlucks.
An end-of-school-year reunion for the preschool’s previous ten years of graduates? A (surprise party) ceremony honoring a beloved teacher’s 20th anniversary at the school? Hundreds of invitations to be mailed? Committees to be organized? A friendship quilt?
No problem.
How about also scheduling a swim party and outdoor potluck dinner during tornado season in the Midwest? And how about having the guest of honor veto the plan because swimming pools are too dangerous and anyway she has a previous engagement?
Still no problem for the hardcore YILTie.
The day of the Mother of All Potlucks dawned sunny, warm, perfect. 10:30, 12:30, 2:30—still perfect. 3:30—an hour before starting time—the heavens opened. Within minutes, a large boat carrying pairs of animals floated down our street.
No problem. We had a rain-date scheduled for the next week.
By next week, we’d achieved record low temperature, rumors of frost warnings, hail, sleet, plagues of locusts, and famine. Standing alone in the Taub backyard, a lone (and quite soggy) YILTie pleaded, “Let my potluck go.”
NOTE: Now that the reunion is over, Barb’s therapy is going well. But can she withstand real world challenges: the bake sale, the Heart fund drive, Pledge Week at PBS?
BARB: Yes, I’d love to.
Believe me, your mom gets it. She knows that giving birth means she can never again refuse a call for volunteers. Life Begins When The Kids Leave Home And The Dog Dies addresses volunteering and other Things They Lied About such as:
- There is no historical evidence of any bridesmaid ever cutting off that dress and being able to wear it to parties later.
- Vertical stripes don’t make you look that much thinner.
- And Donald Trump was never kidnapped by space aliens who transported him to Mars for a week of extraterrestrial hanky-panky and bizarre brain surgery. “He’s the same man he’s always been,” family sources insist.
Judith Barrow said:
Love it!! Found an excellent way to ‘unvolunteer’/say ‘no’ Get husband to answer phone for you – (PS. only works if you actually are in bed ill with flu, I discovered this last week!)
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barbtaub said:
Brilliant! Only…just how long did you stay in bed with the flu?
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Judith Barrow said:
Managed seven days – with ‘lost voice’ for another three. Fair cleared the decks. 🙂 Then, of course was too weak for … oh… ages. Didn’t stop the guilt though!!
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barbtaub said:
You’re my hero.
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Judith Barrow said:
Hanging head in shame now though…feel I’ve been ‘outed’ as a reluctant volunteer.
🙂 LOL
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barbtaub said:
No, no really—I want to be you when I grow up.
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Judith Barrow said:
Hahahahaha!!
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jenanita01 said:
Reblogged this on anita dawes and jaye marie.
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jenanita01 said:
I shouldn’t condemn anyone for their inability to say ‘no’, as I’m pretty sure it isn’t in my vocabulary either. With a little more hindsight, we might be able to be more discerning…
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barbtaub said:
My husband used to complain that I refused to say NO—which he started calling the N-word—until one of the kids’ teachers mentioned hearing my daughter say, “Daddy was mad because Mama won’t say the N-word…” The teacher was very concerned. (Especially because that same daughter lisped and thus told her teacher that “Daddy is a communist” —instead of economist.)
But you’re right of course, looking back I should have said NO more often. Or at all.
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jenanita01 said:
Same here, it got so bad when I was younger, that big Sis made her job to say no for me! But in the greater scheme of things, what does it really matter?
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barbtaub said:
The difference, I think, is whether you’re volunteering for something you WANT to do or for something you think you HAVE to do.
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jenanita01 said:
Or when people find out about a talent you have and want you to make something for them!
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barbtaub said:
That’s the MOST dangerous…one minute you’re flattered by their admiration and the next you’re wrapping 400 of your special brownies for the fundraiser…
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jenanita01 said:
Exactly!
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Cathy said:
I sympathise, I’m only just learning to say no myself (or claim several hugely important prior engagements)
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barbtaub said:
Why do I now have an overpowering urge to ask you to volunteer for… something?
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Cathy said:
You could…it’ll give me some practice 😉
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tidalscribe said:
My mother had a friend with the right defence; her answer to anything suggested was ‘Henry would kill me’ – needless to say Henry was the meekest of men… There are many truths about volunteering in all walks of life; when your friend says ‘we could do Year 7 cookery together’ it means she will last one week and for the next year you will spend every thursday afternoon alone with various groups of four children of whom the only normal ones are your daughter and her two friends. You join a charity group that helps disabled people decorate their homes and end up taking a group of disfunctional teenagers to a Xmas Ice show at Wembly Arena. All any volunteer needs to know is that you will never end up doing what you volunteered for.
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barbtaub said:
“you will never end up doing what you volunteered for”—someone should be carving that onto stone tablets.
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Darlene said:
I was the mother of all volunteers. It was incredible when I think back. My hubby used to say before they even asked for volunteers I would be jumping up and down shouting “pick me! pick me!” I didn’t even know that “No ” was an option. I retired and moved to Spain 3 years ago and haven’t volunteered once. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt.
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barbtaub said:
After all that volunteering, you must have an entire wardrobe of t-shirts!
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Darlene said:
Actually, I do!!
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macjam47 said:
OMG! I am laughing hysterically and nodding my head through this whole post. I blame it all on my mom who’s favorite comeback was, “Don’t tell me ‘no'”! I guess I took her words to heart because I still can’t say ‘NO!’
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barbtaub said:
Nobody was more surprised than me every time I opened my mouth and out came my mother.
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macjam47 said:
Yes! Exactly! But for me, it’s usually what I swore as a child, I would never say!
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