How to win an Emmy

Going to the Emmys gave me an idea for a TV show that’s a sure Emmy winner. I’ll call it “ShmEmmys“, in which celebrity contestants answer Emmy-related questions about each other, see who can name the most surgical enhancements in another contestant, and in a lightning elimination round, consume an entire meal from the In-n-Out secret menu WITHOUT throwing up.

The ShmEmmys will have at least three distinct advantages over the actual Emmys:

1. The Emmys show they televise is actually about a year and a half long because after each award they have to go to a commercial so Hollywood can air kiss each other during the breaks. At three minutes running time, my show will be long enough to fit in one of the breaks. Plus I come from an insanely huge family, so if everyone I’m related to watches, it will—I’m only guessing here—roughly double the Emmys’ viewing audience.
2. 

   Not saying these TOTALLY LEGAL weed gummies are strong, but one person who tried them was holed up in her hotel room watching cartoons for six hours. But they did throw in a free joint in its very own cute little plastic case for first time customers. Free enterprise is a beautiful thing.

   The Emmys Award show has concession stands selling popcorn and hot dogs and beer and champagne (at about $30 a glass). [True facts: they stopped selling the champagne because they ran out of glasses. Hollywood was NOT pleased. Also, my niece got food poisoning from the hot dogs at Emmys the week before.] The ShmEmmys will have booths selling a wide assortment of the marijuana items now legally-available in California, plus a folding card table staffed by Girl Scouts selling Thin Mints and lemonade. As everyone knows, Girl Scouts selling cookies look adorable and slightly terrifying, so all my guests will buy vast quantities, especially after chowing down on those weed gummys. Munchies for a good cause. How much more LA could we get?

3. The ShmEmmys will have a much more versatile award. I’m thinking of the centerpieces at the Governors Ball, which some decorator’s assistant devoted nanoseconds to choosing. The actual Emmy statue is, let’s face it, pretty useless except perhaps as a hat stand in your downstairs loo. But a ShmEmmys award can stand in as subtle centerpiece at your next dinner party, and makes an excellent weapon and/or marital aid. Plus, let’s face it, it’s cheap. The actual Emmy costs $400+. [Little known factoid—many winners have to pay for their own award statue. Tacky much?] I figure a SchEmmy Award will cost about $1.98. Assembling and spraypainting them gold could provide invaluable employment and networking assistance to struggling actors.
4. And best of all? The ShmEmmys will be hosted by Hannah Gadsby instead of some painfully phone-it-in pair (cough, Michael Che and Colin Jost, cough).

[NOTE: at about 54 seconds in, see Hannah Gadsby totally steal the Emmys show in less than a minute while presenting the Emmy to Stephen Daldry of ‘The Crown’ for best director of drama series]

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And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for—cue cheesy trumpet solo and drum roll—THE WINNERS OF THE EMMY GIFT BAG CONTEST!

I laughed, I cried, I marveled at your stories of celebrity encounters. There was no way on this planet (even with the help of those enhanced gummy bears) that I was going to be able to choose winners. But with the help of my trusty online number generator RandomPicker.com, two people have been selected.

May I have the envelope please? (Hannah Gadsby couldn’t be here today to supply some pithy yet endearing remarks, so we’ll just get straight to the announcement.) The winners are:

• Pricillia King who told about being George Bush’s (inadvertent) raincoat double. Her blog at Priscilla’s Zine & Bookstore celebrates the power of humor to get us through what life throws our way.
• Jennie who blogs at A Teacher’s Reflections. Her recent series on Milly the Quilter celebrates her friend’s life of quiet artistry, giving, sharing, and joy and how that touched the lives of so many children.

Congrats to the winners, and to all who shared amazing stories of their close encounters of the celebrity kind. To me you’re all winners!