Dear POTUS:
Before you risk another disastrous visit to the UK, I think there are a few things you should know. Recently, a friend pointed out that Americans can’t tell when British are politely calling them idiots—particularly important in your case.
Clearly, you’re not the first American to have these communication issues.In 1942, the US War Department realized that most of the thousands of young servicemen they were sending to the UK wouldn’t have a clue what to expect when they arrived. They quickly developed a little booklet called “Instructions for American Servicemen in Britain 1942” to prepare them to be His Majesty’s guests until the allies could “meet Hitler and beat him on his own ground”.
You will quickly discover differences that seem confusing and even wrong. Like driving on the left side of the road and having money based on an “impossible” accounting system, and drinking warm beer.
Along with dire predictions that “The British don’t know how to make a good cup of coffee. You don’t know how to make a good cup of tea. It’s an even swap,” American G.I.s were advised that the British were reserved, tough, and spoke a different language where “…there are many words which have different meanings from the way we use them and many common objects have different names.”
This isn’t exactly news, of course. As Americans, we’ve long suspected that speaking the same language doesn’t mean we’re actually saying the same things.
We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language
–Oscar Wilde, The Canterville Ghost, 1887
After years of study here in the UK, I can usually manage an all-purpose conversation, especially if I have my cover dog along to provide a topic if the weather fails me. As a public service, I’d like offer the following conversation translator. With the greatest respect, of course.
HOW TO SAY IT IN BRITISH | HOW TO SAY IT IN AMERICAN |
I’m sorry. | You just bumped my arm and spilled my overpriced caffeinated beverage down my favorite cashmere sweater. I’m going to sue you. |
I’m sorry. | Then you tried to wipe it up and ended up groping my private bits. I may file charges. |
I’m sorry. | And now, you cretin, you’ve [smashed into the back of my car/ruined my day/spoken to me in public/wasted perfectly good oxygen]. A guy I know named Vinnie is going to remove your kneecaps. |
Oh, dear. | The [back of my car/rest of my life/ universe]now looks like an irredeemable disaster and I can’t look away. Vinnie has brothers. |
Looks like a bit of rain. | Of course it does, you imbecile—this is the UK. But there’s a gap in the conversation, and by law it must be filled with observations regarding the weather. Speaking of which… |
I’ve been a bit under the weather. | I had the priest over for the last rites. |
But not to worry. I’m fine. | Actually, I’m moments away from complete mental and possibly physical collapse. |
You should come around for dinner. | If I see you at my house, I’m calling the police. |
Cheers. | Please die painfully. |
In other words, Americans: Don’t expect to get British jokes.
And British? Don’t expect Americans to know you’re joking.
Have you got all that, Donald? On second thought, maybe it’s best if you stay home.Safely yours from 3240 miles away,
–Barb
Chelsea Owens said:
Guess I’d have to watch the eyebrows.
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barbtaub said:
That doesn’t even always work (see Benedict’s unmoving brows above…).
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Chelsea Owens said:
😀 I caught a twitch.
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barbtaub said:
Ooooo… you’re good.
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tidalscribe said:
Yes, even if some clumsy person knocks us flying off the pavement into the path of an oncoming bus we apologise for getting in their way!
How are you? Fine ( I’ve just been diagnosed with terminal death and lost my job.)
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barbtaub said:
Now I happen to know you’re British, so this must be sarcasm. If you were REALLY facing terminal illness and unemployment, you’d say you were fine. Maybe even (since you’re talking to an American and we eat this stuff up with a spoon) “tickety boo”.
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TanGental said:
And do you know why we call something so ace as the dogs bollocks? Do you want to know?
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barbtaub said:
I want to know, even though I’m pretty sure I’ll regret it…
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TanGental said:
I was told it comes out of the old joke: why does a dog lick his balls? Because it can. Hence it represents just pure joy. Or something like that.
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barbtaub said:
That sounds like something perilously close to a cracker joke…
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TanGental said:
All the oldies and goodies from me
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cagedunn said:
I’m Australian and I didn’t get any of that!
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barbtaub said:
That’s because as an Australian, you are not taught from birth to either fake OR repress emotions. Shrinks must starve to death there…
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cagedunn said:
They become poets …
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Lynette d'Arty-Cross said:
My mother was British and I spent most summers in Sussex when I was growing up, so I internalised the vocabulistics quite well. One thing Brits have in common with Canadians is the tendency to apologise too much or to understate. As Monty Python said, “It’s only a flesh wound!” 🙂
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barbtaub said:
“vocabulistics”(!) My life is now complete.
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Lynette d'Arty-Cross said:
Haha. 🙂 Glad you enjoyed! 🙂
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quiall said:
I am so happy I’m Canadian. We get you.
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barbtaub said:
Well sure, that’s easy for you to say. You’re Canadian—the entire world loves you. You’re like the world’s Lassie: strong, smart, beautiful, well-adjusted, and SUPER nice.
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Pamela Read said:
Ah, shucks . . . Thanks!
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priscillaking said:
(chortles) Stereotype actually applied to my husband, too. Then again…Neil Young.
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ksbeth said:
so funny. i have an aussie son in law and i love this
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barbtaub said:
Aussies are so lucky. They GET it, but they don’t have to DO it.
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Judith Barrow said:
Wonderful! I will take your word for all that. You do realise,of course, Barb, that the south of England never ever get the humour of Northerners either? And it even extends to different counties. If my Lancashire grandma didn’t understand something my Yorkshire granddad joked about she would tell him he was “talking tripe”..
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barbtaub said:
I do get that. Did your granddad get grandma’s jokes? (Did grandma tell jokes?)
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Judith Barrow said:
My grandmother didn’t joke – heaven for-fend!!
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barbtaub said:
She was British… Maybe it was all one big joke?
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Judith Barrow said:
Well., I never saw her teeth – so I don’t think she ever smiled. I think ‘British stiff upper lip’ was more her style. Her and her pinny and steel curlers that rattled when she shook her head. Which she did a lot. She’s in more than one of my books… one way or another. Hah!
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barbtaub said:
Now that’s a granny gift that keeps on giving!
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Anne Copeland said:
I love the way the British talk. They can make everyday really boring things sound like the most interesting things you have ever heard. I watch KCET British programming every chance I get and I really love it. Way too cool. Doc Martin is one of our favorites, and we also love Death in Paradise and I like Shetland and Vera too. The characters are very different from those here in the U.S. and often better by far!
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barbtaub said:
And it goes both ways. People here are AMAZED that someone who could live in the US is voluntarily living in Scotland. And they’re even more astounded to hear that I’m from Seattle but I don’t watch Frasier, vacation in Orlando, or eat bannoffee pudding (which they are absolutely convinced is an “American” favorite).
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Anne Copeland said:
I have never heard of bannoffee pudding as an American, but who knows? Maybe I have not been around enough, and it doesn’t sound like an American favorite. I will look it up.
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barbtaub said:
It’s not that Americans haven’t perfected a few banana-intensive desserts (hot fudge banana split, and esp. Bananas Foster!) but I just can’t imagine anyone would willingly lay claim to bannoffee pudding…
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priscillaking said:
Please explain bannoffee pudding…bananas with toffee? Bananas with coffee? Ben & Jerry’s aficionados would probably go for either mix (or all three together), but how, as a pudding rather than a scoop of Chunky Monkey and a scoop of Coffee Heath Bar Crunch, would it be done?
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insearchofitall said:
I agree with Jennie, this is hilarious and so are most of the comments. I read an English blogger who shall remain nameless here and go to my New Zealand blogging friend for a translation. It’s hard to explain to him what I don’t understand. ;(
I loved this comment:
speaking the same language doesn’t mean we’re actually saying the same things.
I love all the same shows Anne C watches but I turn on closed captioning so I can read the words and hope to grasp what they are saying if I play it enough times. Had the same problem when I moved to Georgia.
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barbtaub said:
Our first morning after moving to Blacksburg Virginia, I went to the bakery. When I got up to the counter and asked for a dozen donuts, the lady asked me, “Y’all wansor?” She repeated it several times while I tried to translate. Finally, the person behind me said (in a perfectly understandable German accent), “Do you want assorted?”
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insearchofitall said:
I almost choked I was laughing so hard. Yup! Exactly like that.
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barbtaub said:
Oh great—now I have to label my blog as a choking hazard. “Do not leave small children unattended with this blog…”
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insearchofitall said:
Or read at your own risk. 😉 It does come with the warning of flat funny. At least from the person who sent me here. I crave funny more than anything. I’m not. ;(
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priscillaking said:
Typical. I think some of our slur-and-drop words were deliberately formed to confuse Yankees.
Though they’re also the source of a culture on a fictional world my brother and I invented, where superstitious people believe each person is allotted only so many words to speak in a lifetime, so they try to extend their life expectancy by omitting as many words and running the essential words together as much as possible in the hope that “Y’go’n’t’town’day?” counts as one word.
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Rosie Amber said:
Even fellow Brits don’t always know when you’re joking!
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barbtaub said:
How could they? There are absolutely no ‘tells’ to let us in on the secret that there’s a joke in process.
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jenanita01 said:
Reblogged this on anita dawes and jaye marie.
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barbtaub said:
I’m so grateful for the reblog! (Unless…this is some kind of joke? If so, I’ll never understand it.)
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jenanita01 said:
You’re the funny one, remember?
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Gobblefunkist said:
With all due respects, in what universe do Americans make a good cup of coffee? Huh?
I was raised in an English convent school but lived in America for a while before returning to India. My brain is usually thoroughly confused about the language.
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barbtaub said:
Not make good coffee? Them’s fightin’ words. Unless…oh, right. A joke.
[Wanders off shaking clueless American head. Cluelessly…]
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Jennie said:
This is hilarious, Barb! I had no idea that the war department actually published a book for soldiers in WWII. I truly think most Americans would not fare well even today.
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barbtaub said:
Sadly, true… My favorite spot for American-spotting is Heathrow Airport, where the Americans gather in (loud) clumps to bemoan the fact that their departure gates aren’t announced until the last minute, there’s no ice in their drinks, and nobody in the airport carries Dr. Pepper. I usually keep my head down and try to look Canadian.
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Jennie said:
Haha! I love it!!! 😀
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Darlene said:
I’m a Canadian married to a Brit and we have had a few miscommunications over the years. Most of them very funny. But we both speak Monty Python so it works!!
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barbtaub said:
She turned me into a newt.
I got better…
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JT Twissel said:
Someone actually got paid to write a training manual that basically said “be polite?” I’m quite positive that not all British people love sports! Most Brits I know have a very dry sense of humor wh/ some people see as snarky. I like it. Fun post Barb.
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barbtaub said:
Not just a training manual. Check out the link to that movie. Very Hollywood!
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JT Twissel said:
Oh my.
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Bryntin said:
British humour is AWESOME! They’re so cute with their accent and funny little ways and their AMAZING history! Shame they’re all so repressed and have yellow teeth though.
(This has been a British person stereotyping ‘Americans’. You’re welcome.) 😉
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barbtaub said:
We Americans also think it’s cute that you all live in either a castle or an adorably twee thatched cottage with a red phone box out front… (Unless you’re a coal miner or chimneysweep of course…)
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Bryntin said:
That’s in the posh places in the big village, we can see them from our cave.
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barbtaub said:
Right! And if you’re the chimney sweep, you call everybody “Ducks”. Otherwise, you put a bunch of marbles in your mouth and say, “I say, old chap, cheerio.”
Meanwhile, we Americans watching from north of the Mason-Dixon Line say, “O my god, you guys!” While if we’re from the South, we just say, “Bless your heart,” if we don’t like you, and “Bless your heart, y’all,” if we do.
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Kassandra Lamb said:
Love the post and the comments. We are once again planning a trip to the UK, for the early fall of 2019. Hopefully we will make it happen this time, with no health issues, terrorist attacks, etc. getting in the way.
Maybe I can snag a copy of that handbook for the soldiers.
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barbtaub said:
Or just watch that little movie! (It got the full Hollywood treatment, starring Burgess Meredith and cameo by Bob Hope.)
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Lady Dickson said:
Cheers – Please die painfully.
Hahahaha. Best.
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barbtaub said:
I must confess that I’ve actually said it. On more than one occasion…
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Teagan R. Geneviene said:
Ha! Loved the chart, Barb. Misunderstood humor there and passive-aggressive “backhanded compliments” here… Maybe a massive vow of silence is in order. As long as you keep me laughing, that is. Hugs.
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noelleg44 said:
Monty Python introduced us to British humor, and we love all the British comedy shows on PBS – and of course traveling in the UK is a hoot! Still, we missed a few that you pointed out, and I was listening…:)
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Terry Tyler said:
Excellent, Barb – and do you know, you’ve almost got it exactly right!!!! Not bad for an American… 😉 😀
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