Tags
Apple Mac, computer, died, Full Frontal, humor, laptop, memory, road trip, Samantha Bee, upgrade
Lies, Damn Lies, and Things You Tell Tech Support.
In a recent post, I revealed that my beloved was having performance issues. Although still a gleaming silver fox to all outward appearances, lately there had been…failures. I’d be in the mood, but the powerful beast who once eagerly shared my dreams and passions was now taking longer to get it booted up. My needs went unmet, leaving me frustrated and unfulfilled.
I tried removing all excess distractions, making sure nothing was open that might occupy memory or constrict bandwidth. But performance continued to deteriorate until I didn’t even try to get the old guy turned on, knowing the inevitable failure would be so devastating.
The time had come, as I reported here, to seek professional advice. First we tried a phone consult with Genius-Guy James. I insisted with a straight face that I had rebooted, backed up, scanned, and swept for viruses. I didn’t smirk at James’ attempts to start in safe mode, even though I’d already told him it never works. (Okay, I’m only human—there might have been just the teeniest smirkage.) But in the end, Genius-Guy James could only refer me to Genius-Guy Stuart in Glasgow’s Apple Store for a face-to-interface consult.
Surely, I reasoned, these experts would know of some digital equivalent to the purple pill that would restore some of my old partner’s former power and virility. So I bundled him up against the frigid vicissitudes of spring in Scotland, grabbed the dog, and headed for the ferry and then train to downtown Glasgow.
Luckily, I’d just had my own physical so I had plenty of recent experience with lying judiciously supplying answers to medical staff. [Come on, you know you do it too. You look that doctor right in the eye and insist that you exercise regularly, only have the odd glass of wine every few weeks or so, and always eat balanced healthy meals that include veggies which actually make you gag. Oh, and you floss like a champ.]
Glasgow Genius-Guy Stuart: Did you backup everything?
Me (insulted that he even had to ask): Yes, I did. [translation: I thought it was supposed to backup itself into a mystery black box called Time Machine. Right? In the background, you can hear the Software Engineer wailing, “Mama! We TALKED about this…”]
Stuart: Do you run your virus protection software?
Me (even more insulted): Of course I do. [translation: I downloaded a free thingie from the web yesterday and I can run it for one week without paying. Does that count?]
Stuart: Did you check for malware?
Me: Like you even have to ask… [translation: You mean the virus checker doesn’t care of that? Oops…]
Stuart: Did you reboot into safe mode and reset NRV and NVRAM?
Me: Why no, I never even thought of that. [translation: And what part of ‘will not reboot’ are you not getting?]
At first it seemed Stuart’s efforts would pay off. But alas, it was just a final rally. Almost as soon as I got my old love home, he went into a decline. This time, I knew, there was no coming back. I cleaned up my beloved, wiped the coffee spittle off his surface—memo to self: stop reading Brian Lageose’s blog while drinking coffee—and tried to fit all the bits back into the box my old love was wearing when we first met. (Never going to happen. But then I wasn’t going to get into my old jeans again either.)
So here it comes: Why is a computer better than a husband?
Because it turns out you can TRADE IN your old love for a younger, more powerful replacement. Apple will actually pay for your geriatric old partner riddled with performance issues and memory problems. That means you can move to a younger, more powerful stud with excellent memory and a really big processor that’s ready to boot up whenever you are. And Apple will subsidize the cost.
There was just one more consideration. The new young powerhouse waiting for me would cost significantly less if I made the exchange in the US. Then Child #4 called and begged me to come for a visit to New York.
“Think of it,” I told my old buddy, “Like one of those movies where someone only has a few months to live before they have one of those Hollywood deaths where they still have great makeup and nice skin and all their hair, but they manage to Do-What’s-Right AND find The-Meaning-of-Life before they pop off. And then they come back for a heavenly visit, and someone else says they will live on in their memory, if I’m doing that Time Machine backup stuff that is…”
Our first stop was the Fifth Avenue Apple Store in Mahattan, where we met “Joe”.
NY Genius Guy ‘Joe’: mumble, mumble? [translation: I didn’t catch the actual name of the Genius Guy in New York because the store has ceilings about a mile high that bounce back echoes of every word said by the hundreds of people desperate to exchange phones already smart enough to do brain surgery for even better phones which can do brain surgery in several languages.]
Me (insulted): Yes, I did.
‘Joe’: And do you mumble, mumble?
Me (even more insulted): Of course I do.
‘Joe’: …mumble, mumble?
Me: Been there, done that, trying not to smirk…
Sadly, the New York Store didn’t have the new machine I wanted in stock. Then Child #2 told me the TV show she writes for was filming a special in Washington DC, and invited us to go along. So I told my my old (now braindead) friend that our Bucket List movie script had now morphed into into one of those Road Trip movies where somebody is hauling around an urn to fulfill someone’s dying wish to scatter their ashes in a particular spot and on the way they manage to Do-What’s-Right AND find The-Meaning-of-Life. Or at least a really good roadside burger joint.
Next day, at the Apple Store in Georgetown, I finally met my new paramour. He was everything I’d dreamed of—powerful, eager, ready and willing to obey all my commands, and so SO big.
What can I say? Size really does matter.
Darlene said:
I once read a book called Why Cucumbers are Better than Husbands. It was very funny but this is even funnier! Thanks. Glad you got your new piece of equipment and I hope it serves you well.
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much. (I must say, The Hub looks nervous every time I start to talk about this matter…)
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Richard Broom Photography said:
Vigorously waggling the interface sometimes works for me…….
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barbtaub said:
We all do what we must to get the job done…
No really, I have to stop. Bad Barb.
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Lucinda E Clarke said:
If I press the re-blog button any harder my finger will end up on the floor. Nothing happened but I tried.
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Lucinda E Clarke said:
Reblogged this on lucinda E Clarke and commented:
A smile for Monday.
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barbtaub said:
A very belated thank you for the reblog! (I’ve been felled by airplane germs, and hacking pathetically for days now.)
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Lucinda E Clarke said:
Free germs with every low-cost ticket Baub. It’s the only think Sleezy Jet and Lying Air don’t charge for. 🙂
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Lucinda E Clarke said:
Now, why did it do that just after I said I couldn’t re-blog. A slight whisper with my fingertip and it was away into the ether. I think it’s all part of a conspiracy to make me look stupid, led by my PC which is old and decrepit.
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barbtaub said:
The PC did it. (Plot for my next cozy mystery.)
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srbottch said:
Very funny, but as I tell people, Daisy, our dog, makes a better dog than I do. My wife loves her. Oh, i hope you enjoyed DC. our son lives nearby, great looking buildings which employ waaaay too many bureaucrats! 😂
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barbtaub said:
I suspect I don’t like the right things about DC. (Okay, it’s true. Always did lean left.) But I hope that your wife and Daisy let you hang around despite your complete lack of proficiency at being the dog.
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TanGental said:
There are so many ways this is not getting seen by the light of my existence. As well as Darlene’s about cucumbers. Outdone by a salad vegetable that even bananas despise? The humiliation.
.
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barbtaub said:
Just out of curiosity, what was your wife’s email again?
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TanGental said:
Noooo not telling… just no.
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Mary Smith said:
So funny. I hope you and your new kit have a long, happy and creative time together.
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barbtaub said:
Thanks! I’m sure I’ll manage to do something terrible to it, but at least I didn’t have to change religions to get up and running.
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Felipe Adan Lerma said:
Ahhhahaha, the trade-in factor, love it! 🙂
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barbtaub said:
Well, about that. I duly packed up the old machine(s) and went online to turn them in (apparently you can’t do that in person at the stores). Only…it didn’t work. Seems that despite what the salesperson told me, Apple doesn’t actually apply your trade-in credit when it comes to computers (only phones). So I’m now the proud owner of two gift cards good only in the USA Apple stores. And not in say, Scotland, where I actually live…
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Jacquie Biggar said:
Lol, and no purple pills were required 🙂
My old girl has an issue with closing down right after I open it- so frustrating. I think it’s a battery issue, but since I do most of my coaxing from the table, I’ll just keep it plugged in and hope for the best!
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barbtaub said:
Haha! I went for almost a year with an effectively dead battery. Turns out there are really good “back up” batteries out there for very reasonable costs. But eventually, of course, I did pony up for a new, outrageously expensive, batteryectomy from the Genius Guys. If Apple really does recycle my old guy, someone will get a shiny new(ish) battery.
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jenanita01 said:
I suppose you do know that all computers are on a mission to drive us all to drink. Or murder, take your pick. Hilarioûs post,Barb…
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barbtaub said:
Why whatever could you mean? I thought computers were here to make our lives easier and better and more full of cute kitten videos?
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jenanita01 said:
Now where did you get that idea? I know you are joking, because I remember the trouble you had recently…
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barbtaub said:
😉
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jenanita01 said:
Reblogged this on anita dawes and jaye marie.
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barbtaub said:
Sorry to be so late in thanking you for this. I managed to catch the chest-rot bug on trip to NY/DC, and have been hacking up a few spare organs over past week.
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jenanita01 said:
No worries, Barb. Hope you feel better soon?
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barbtaub said:
What is it they say? What doesn’t kill you leaves a big mess in the kitchen and bathroom? (Something like that anyway…)
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jenanita01 said:
Especially if it is you who has to clean it up!
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barbtaub said:
You know, that’s almost the worst thing about being sick. When any other member of this family is ill, they have me to chase around washing sheets, picking up snotty tissues, and generally keeping things in order. When I’m sick? Let’s just say I take one look at the place and often suffer a relapse.
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jenanita01 said:
I know exactly where you’re coming from. You could also starve to death…
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V.M.Sang said:
I really don’t know why people say they are trying to create AI. It’s already here, alive and kicking and living in computers.
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barbtaub said:
I get that they have the A, but am not quite convinced about the I bits…
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joylennick said:
What a great piece! Very funny and well written. Much appreciated. Cheers.
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barbtaub said:
What a wonderful comment! Thanks so much.
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Andrew Joyce said:
“Smirkage?”
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Andrew Joyce said:
Post Script: You like great in that selfie.
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barbtaub said:
Okay, I forgive you.
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barbtaub said:
Careful Joyce, or there will be smackage…
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Jennie said:
This was SO funny, Barb! I loved it!!
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barbtaub said:
Thanks Jennie! You made my day.
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Jennie said:
My pleasure, Barb!
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LD Masterson said:
Well, hell. I totally blew it. When my techno-lover failed me, I called my son, who happens to work for a computer company, and said, “Sweetie, order me a new computer. You know what I need.” And he delivered it. I didn’t realize I could have worked it into multi-country movie type road trip. I’m bummed.
Next time I’m calling you!
(loved this post)
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barbtaub said:
Well, I called Child #4 with the software engineering degree we’re still paying for, and she told me to change religion and go over to the Windows side. O the shame!
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priscillaking said:
Union Station was empty? The historic hallway upstairs used to get less traffic, but the underground mall shops and food courts used to be jammin’ at all hours of day and night. Serious commuters between DC and NY, of course, rushed from Amtrak directly to Metro and vice versa…and then for Southern travellers there was the four-short-block sprint to Greyhound…
You are messing with my memories! Producing cognitive dissonance! I appreciate this, despite appearances.
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barbtaub said:
I thought it was really, really weird. There were chairs in the waiting areas outside each of the tracks, and they were LOTS empty. I had lunch at Le Pain Q and was the only one at the huge long table. So strange, because I’m used to the huge crowds at UK trains…
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thereluctantpoet said:
Reblogged this on The Reluctant Poet.
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much for the reblog!
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joylennick said:
Thank you. Very funny and clever. x
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much!
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Terry Tyler said:
Now, about those vegetables…..
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Teagan R. Geneviene said:
Barb, you slay me! Your paramour is much more sophisticated than mine. Although I won’t get mine computerized. I’d be worried about BOB thinking for himself. B.O.B. 😉
💻 😈 👼
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barbtaub said:
Too late for me! (Although you’re probably right…)
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