Tags
Holidays, humor, International Dog of Mystery, international travel, lost luggage, luggage, packing, travel, travel with pets, vacation planning
Secrets to the perfect vacation
Oh, sure. You could carefully plan every detail of the picture-perfect vacation—leave nothing to chance, check and double-check every part of your upcoming trip.
But where’s the fun in that?
OR you could try my approach. It’s not that I don’t plan my trips—I just don’t plan them very well. But unless you’ve enjoyed hearing about how my holidays tend to go “tits-up” (as they say here in Glasgow) and want to share in the fun, you will need the following top ten tips for making sure you have the trip of your dreams.
10. Don’t bring your dog. “Dog Friendly” travel with Fifi generally means you sleep or eat in establishments where the other clientele look like extras from Deliverance. (The exceptions to these rules are the city of Paris and the entire UK, where dogs as accessories are de rigueur.) Of course, a dog is almost as useful a people-meeting tool as a baby, with the added benefit that your dog will be a much more cheerful traveling partner than your offspring, will probably not expect you to pay for a university degree, and will also not spend his entire adolescence refusing to be seen in public with you, resenting your very existence, and/or living in fear that you will embarrass him by… well, your very existence. Plus—with the exception of a lady in Edinburgh who told me I was a bad dog-Mom because my large, long-haired herding dog didn’t have a (plaid) coat and matching boots—the people you and Fifi meet won’t correct the way you dress, discipline, or feed your dog.
9. Don’t bring a car with double-digit age. Or anything remotely resembling a warranty. This is very important. Otherwise you’ll be forced to mention your alleged-vehicle in reverent tones, using words like “classic”. This guarantees that not only will you get a chance to exercise your dramatic skills by re-enacting various suspicious engine noises that you don’t even know the English words for, but you will learn several interesting new phrases such as “¿Este garaje tiene un inodoro que limpia?” (Does this garage have a toilet that flushes?)
8. Don’t speak the language. Despite this, try to speak it anyway by adding “o” and “a” to the end of most words. If you’re an American, you’ve already got this nailed.
7. Don’t pack carefully and sparingly. Bringing large suitcases containing everything you own gives you the opportunity to meet the exciting extroverts who staff airlines’ lost-luggage desks.
6. Don’t book anything in advance. You are a free spirit, not a slave to online services that show bathrooms and guest ratings. That guy at the Lost Luggage desk at the airport probably has some excellent hotel and restaurant tips he’ll be delighted to share because he’s charmed by how friendly your dog has gotten with his leg, and is probably so impressed with the way you worked into the conversation that one sentence about the pen of my uncle that you remember from high school language classes.
5. Don’t eavesdrop. Not only do people in foreign countries not have anything interesting to say, but they probably wish they were you. You can help them by talking about all the things that could be improved if they did them like you do at home. Just in case, you should probably raise your voice. That helps foreign people understand you better.
4. Don’t bring a mobile phone with a battery life of less than a half hour. If you can’t check your messages regularly (we recommend every thirty-seconds minimum), the world will probably end.
3. Don’t bring the local currency. Most foreigners want American money. Really. They get up each morning hoping against hope that someone will offer to pay in dollars they can use when they achieve their life dream of a trip to Orlando.
1. Don’t eat the food. Life’s too short to waste your time trying weird local specialties that are probably made with questionable hygienic standards, even if that is a great way to meet exotic foreign medical personnel.
Follow the above steps religiously, and all you’ll have is the trip you wanted. Ignore them like I do (okay, maybe I’m still working on #4) and you’ll take the trip of a lifetime. You might even live to tell about it.
amreade said:
I laughed out loud at this, Barb! I have had some memorable trips, but I don’t have enough space or Xanax to relive them here.
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barbtaub said:
Oh please! Just a hint? (I can take up a collection for more Xanax…)
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amreade said:
Just know that the last straw on the first day of our trip to London was when one of my daughters found out you had to pay to use the public restroom and she had no change and the rest of us were already waiting for her on the Tube platform. When she found us, covered in snot and tears, everyone clear down to Brighton could hear her wailing, “I want to go back to New Jerseyyyyy!” That made my other daughter start crying, and that was just before one of the kids got herself onto the Tube that the rest of us weren’t taking. She just stared at us through the door, cell-phone-less and mouth agape, as I screamed for the conductor.
And that was the best day of the trip.
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barbtaub said:
That was the BEST day? You deserve ALL the Xanax.
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Lynette d'Arty-Cross said:
Don’t use a map. Don’t talk to strangers. 😉
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barbtaub said:
No problem! I can’t read maps, and most of the people I meet aren’t strangers (although, for the most part, they haven’t realized it yet!)
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Teagan Riordain Geneviene said:
Haha! Barb, you’re one of a wonderful kind. I guess my favorite travel tip is “stay home.” Works for me anyhow. Hugs!
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barbtaub said:
It’s been a year since I was home. So I have to agree with you, and can’t wait to get back there.
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beth said:
don’t stay in a fake b&b
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barbtaub said:
Now I just have to know! PLEASE do tell.
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beth said:
I’ll write about it, so crazy! kept thinking I was going to be killed -)
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barbtaub said:
Risking your life for a vacation? I can’t wait to hear more!
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beth said:
Not in the original plan )
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Nancy B. Klein said:
Loved the comment about taking selfies everywhere to see where you went and what it looked like! 😂
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barbtaub said:
Honestly, we didn’t see a single gondola in Venice where the people were actually looking at the canal instead of making duckfaces into their cameras.
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Nancy B. Klein said:
That’s so sad!
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quiall said:
Snorting tea first thing in the morning it’s not something I would recommend. However it was worth it to read this post.
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barbtaub said:
I hope it was at least good tea, both coming and going?
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joylennick said:
Great fun as always. Thanks Barb! (There was a book entitled “Travels with my Aunt” or suchlike some years ago. Yours sound a lot more…confusing, but fun nevertheless. Onwards and upwards. xx
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barbtaub said:
“Confusing” is one of the more polite descriptions. I’ll take it!
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alexcraigie said:
Still giggling at some of these. Many thanks for brightening a hot but dull day in Wales! x
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Darlene said:
These are hilarious and so true in many cases. Another rule could be Don’t go anywhere there are foreigners. I read an article once about a British woman who returned from Spain and complained to her travel agent that there were too many Spanish people on the beaches.
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barbtaub said:
I regularly hear foreign tourists (sadly, usually my fellow Americans ) complaining about how hard it is to find people who can speak English.
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Geoff Stamper said:
Hysterical as always. Suggests a “Don’t Go” tip!
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noelleg44 said:
Sounds like a few of our trips – never booked ahead, but we did use maps. GPS put us in the middle of a wheat field on our last trip!
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Kassandra Lamb said:
This is a hoot!!
Worst travel advice ever — packing tips from a renowned travel expert who shall remained nameless. For a two-week trip to Europe, he recommended packing 3 extra shirts, 4 pairs of underwear, and 4 pairs of socks. No need for extra shoes or slacks. His rationale was that you could get your clothes laundered every few days through the hotels’ laundry services.
My husband read this and planned to follow the advice until I pointed out that:
This fella no doubt received free laundry services, because he was, you know, a famous travel expert, and therefore he had no idea how much such services cost (as in one could buy a new shirt after paying to have it laundered twice, sometimes once).
What was he going to wear on the bottom part of his body while his slacks were being laundered?
I wasn’t traveling with a man whose shirt was working on day four, during a hot summer, because he forgot to send his clothes to the laundry service until ALL his shirts were dirty (which he conceded would probably happen).
I snuck that travel guide out of his study when he wasn’t looking and shoved it into the bottom of the recycle bin.
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Jennie said:
I love this!
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