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covid, elderly, getting old, hospital, humor, medical care, new york, subway, tourist, travel
Someone has obviously made a big mistake here…
In the early days of the pandemic, I told my daughter I was making facemasks to distribute to vulnerable neighbors.
Me: We have to pull together to make sure vulnerable people are safe.
Daughter: Mama, you do know YOU’RE one of the vulnerable.
Me: !!!!
Well, I took a happy trip up the River Denial, and managed to convince myself a mistake had been made with that one. It lasted until last weekend when a nurse sat down with me at Crosshouse Hospital (see that story here) to fill out the intake form. Only… somehow there were a lot of new things she wanted to know.
Gone were the questions about my units of alcohol, tobacco, and drug consumption, my chances of being pregnant, and other exciting lifestyle commentaries. Instead, she had very different concerns.
Nurse: What hours do your carers look after you?
Me: Carers?
Nurse: Can you read your prescription directions?
Me: Read?
Nurse: Are you continent?
Me: Are you serious?
Apparently, the NHS decided I must need professional care, medical assistance, and adult diapers.
This explains the shift in my unsolicited online adverts from products guaranteeing increased size and/or performance of various personal organs to photos of piles of revolting stuff breathlessly offering to completely empty my bowels overnight, or ways to safeguard my old age through creative home financing.
[Of course, getting old comes with some advantages — as
I admitted in my book, Life Begins When The Kids Leave Home And The Dog Dies]
The Top 10 Best Reasons To Get Old
Every time I go to New York, I learn something new. Last time, I learned I’m one of these people.
I know that because every single time I got onto a subway, people leaped up to offer me their seat. My baby is a college graduate, and the only happy event I’m expecting is the release of the new iPhones. So that leaves me as the three-legger. Wait… WTF?
But do you think for one minute I’d admit to undeserved and unnecessary impersonation of a senior citizen? Hell, yeah. That ‘priority’ seat was mine.
That’s when it hit me. There are actually some good things about getting old. I haven’t made an exhaustive list yet, but here are a few I’ve just come up with.
Not even counting the fact that it certainly beats the alternative, the top ten great things about getting older are:
10: On vacation, your energy runs out before your money does.
9. Nobody expects you to learn things the hard way so you can build character.
8. You don’t sweat the small stuff (and not just because you can’t see it any more without your good glasses—which you haven’t seen in months and so you mostly just wear the ones from the Dollar Store that you buy by the dozen).
7. Old people get released first in hostage situations. (Probably because the terrorists get tired of being told to “Speak up young man!”)
6. You can mess with your kids’ heads by telling them you’ve decided to sell your house, buy a boat, and sail around the world. (Bonus points for working the phrase “In my remaining years” into that conversation.)
5. Senior discounts. People just look at you and knock off 15%.
4. You start to feel like you’re getting your money’s worth out of all that medical insurance you’ve been paying for all these years. This is an important topic that you feel certain everyone around you would like to hear more about. Much more…
3. Stretch trousers: your middle-finger salute to the Fashion Police.
2. It’s so easy to get laughs. Just use very modern slang, mention your latest social media app or Stories on Snapchat, or talk about a GIF you made—but end each sentence with “Dear” or “Sweetheart”.
And the top reason it’s great to get old?
1. Even though your memory has always been crap and you’ve been forgetting things all your life, now people just chuckle about “senior moments” and totally forgive you.
[NOTE: On the way to the airport the next day, two young men politely argued over which one should offer me his seat. Another man asked if I was going to the airport—you think it was the suitcase?—and stood nearby so he could tell me when I was within two stops because the speakers weren’t working. Geezerhood rocks!]
This book needs to come with a warning: “Caution: Do Not Eat Or Drink While Reading this Book! You will spew food or liquid everywhere when you laugh out loud.”—Kassandra Lamb, best-selling author of Kate Huntington Mysteries
Darlene said:
There are definitely some advantages to getting old. I like the one where my kids don’t like to upset me so they don’t tell me unpleasant things and stopped asking for money. Discounts are nice too.
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barbtaub said:
It took me a while to warm up to the senior discounts in the UK because they call those eligible OAPs (Old Age Pensioners). I still can’t say it without shuddering.
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Darlene said:
If anyone ever calls me an OAP I would have to hit them.
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Judith Barrow said:
Hahahaha,. Now you know what we have to put up with in the UK, Darleen. And that’s on top of driving on the wrong side of the road!
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TanGental said:
as per, nailed that list. For me I’d add I haven’t spent money in a barbers for ten years (though I do need an abrasive towel to keep the fluff in check), no one expects me to pee standing if I don’t want to, and falling asleep anywhere is usually forgiven expect if I’m cooking…
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barbtaub said:
“Don’t fall asleep while cooking” does seem a low bar.
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Lynette d'Arty-Cross said:
Hahaha! 🙂 You nailed it. I’m retiring in 14 months, so I will officially reach geezerhood, although many of its effects have already found a home in a) my knee b) my sleep issues – this only happens at night of course when I’m supposed to be sleeping c) these weird digestive issues that sporadically pop up and d) the drop-out on vocabulary that I used to rely on but that now only makes an occasional appearance. I could probably fill out the alphabet with examples, but I think you understand.
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barbtaub said:
I hear you on the vocab loss. Why hasn’t someone invented a memory upgrade yet?
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Judith Barrow said:
Thingymebobs, whatsits,and doobery, are all good for vocab fill-ins.
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quiall said:
Like fine wine we get better with age. I am not old… I am chronologically challenging.
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barbtaub said:
Haha! Love it!
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joycemckenna said:
I would be one of those exceptions expected to stand (lurching) on a NY subway adventure — the Red Sox hat would be the tell.
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barbtaub said:
You wore a Red Sox hat on the NY subway? And lived? I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared.
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joycemckenna said:
That’s the thing about Red Sox fans — they have a high threshold for pain (and seek it out. . . wittingly!)
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Kassandra Lamb said:
Love all of these! So true!! I’ve actually decided to let my hair grow out so it’s all gray. That way people will realize how old I am sooner and jump up to give me their seats. (Yeah, not in Florida!)
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barbtaub said:
I remember my uncle telling me there’s no point in reserving seats for seniors in Florida, because that would mean ALL the seats!
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Kassandra Lamb said:
Pretty much!
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beth said:
yes, i’ve noticed a shift in how some people (docs included) approach me. one great thing is we can now get away with most anything, just like a toddler, but we also have life experience so we can really kick it up a notch.
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barbtaub said:
And the best part is that all the bad habits and things people found annoying over the years are now blamed on old age. Win-win!
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beth said:
Yes!!!!!
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Rosalind said:
My sister has colored her hair for years but couldn’t during lockdown and then all of a sudden she realized, with all that grey hair, she could get away with sitting in the front of bus where ‘senior citizens’ can sit. Of course, she is one but it’s hard to admit sometimes. She hasn’t colored her hair since.
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barbtaub said:
What I love about the UK is that people are so polite. If I ask for a senior concession, they never ask for proof. One ticket agent explained that if I want to admit to being old, they wouldn’t dream of contradicting me.
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buffalopound said:
Great post Barb. Since the first lockdown I have thrown caution (and perhaps pride!) aside and have done three things that now make me happy. I stopped colouring my hair, wearing makeup, and wearing a bra. Such freedom – I feel like a child again!
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barbtaub said:
I stopped doing all those things when I retired ten years ago. Best ten years of my life!
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Words on Paper said:
I was so glad to hear that loss of vocab is normal at my age, I was thinking I had a brain tumour or something! All in all, though, I am not enjoying getting old, I’m not getting any of the perks yet either!
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barbtaub said:
Every time I struggle for a word or to remember a name, I wonder if this is it, if I’m entering full-on geezerhood. Don’t you wish we could get memory upgrades as easily as our phones? I mentioned this to the Hub, and he just said he could always get a newer model. (And he wonders why I introduce him as my first husband?)
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Words on Paper said:
That’s not fair… I hope you boxed his ears?
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Judith Barrow said:
Hahaha – that’s right, Barb,keep him on his toes!
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Terry Tyler said:
Oh, I love this so much!!! The glasses one….. I have them all round the house in strategic places!!! And the energy-money thing!!
I very proudly produced my Senior RailCard at Hever Castle a month after my 60th, to get a cheaper admission fee, and was most upset that they didn’t stand back in amazement and swear it couldn’t be mine.
btw, the first part of this reminds me of my mother. When she moved to the village she and Dad lived in for the rest of their lives, she was asked if she was interested in meals on wheels, and said yes, she would love to help out. That wasn’t actually what they were asking….!!
btw, I sent you a copy of my new book – not sure if you got it? If not, I can send again 🙂
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barbtaub said:
It is depressing that nobody ever argues about my senior discounts. One ticket agent explained that anyone who has the nerve to request it clearly deserves it.
I did buy my own copy of Where There’s Doubt—read it, loved it, and am writing a review for tomorrow’s post.Wish I could blame the delay on old age, but it’s probably down to laziness.
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Terry Tyler said:
Aha, thank you – and as for the ‘delay’ – I think that’s quick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m very pleased you liked it, and can’t wait to read what you do with the review!!!
Ha ha ha re the senior discounts!!!! I can still remember standing at the admissions kiosk at Hever Castle wondering why they didn’t show even the faintest glimmer of disbelief. Mind you, the other day I took a photo of my arm in a short sleeve (for something I want to sell on ebay), and was appalled to see in the photo that I have CREPEY SKIN. I am contacting the makers of all the body lotions I have used over the last 40 years, for a refund.
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barbtaub said:
My mother used to practically bathe in lotion. I’ve never used it. As far as I can tell, my skin looks just like hers did at the same age. When I add up what I have NOT spent on body lotion/makeup/hair dye/cigarettes/sexy lingerie/spa treatments/plastic surgery/implants, I really think I should be a LOT richer.
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Terry Tyler said:
Yes…. I do give a younger impression than Mum did at 62, but that’s only because I still have the same hairdo as I did in 1985, and wear boho chic (person who just said ‘more like hobo chic’, I’ll have a word with you later). Our faces are roughly the same. By which I mean that I often look at pictures and think, blimey, that’s Mum with long hair.
When I think of how much I’ve spent on body lotion, make-up, hairdressers and cigarettes over the years (though of course no longer smoke!!!!), I realise why I am not rich at all!!!
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Judith Barrow said:
Ah,but, Terry, I have noticed how you’ve perfected the pose for photos in such a youthful way. A talent I so admire. You don’t stand stiffly and gurn as I do- My best photos are taken as I walk away. PS, I didn’t notice your crepey skin either!
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noelleg44 said:
Great, great, Barb. I am sending this on to some older friends.
I am well into geezerhood, trouble is I don’t look like it so far. So everyone expects I can walk ten miles, climb walls, clean the house every day and provide a three-course meal at the drop of a hat. Try to explain that you’ve slowed down! I used to have to prove I’m a senior, but that’s long gone! maybe I should get a rocking chair….
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barbtaub said:
Well-done you for not showing your geezerhood! We’re all jealous.
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Carol said:
Oh yes, this getting old thing is much preferred over the alternative, but adjusting to it can be tough. These past few days have been a lesson in learning what I still can do and what I can no longer do – I’m finding it a very difficult adjustment. I mean, really, is digging a hole to plant a tree in really that big a deal?
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barbtaub said:
My personal theory is that as we enter geezerhood, we should each be assigned people to dig our holes, scrub our loos, and remember which word we mean when we say “thingy”.
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Carol said:
I think it quite important that we be very specific about the purpose of the holes that are dug.
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barbtaub said:
Haha! Got to watch out for those long, narrow holes…
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lydiaschoch said:
Oh, this was too funny!
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much!
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Endless Weekend said:
11 : we get to lol irl at the other ten items 🙂
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alexcraigie said:
Loved this and it made me laugh out loud. I’m now reaching that age where some people add a few years to make more of an impression!
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Judith Barrow said:
I don’t buy into the “adding a few years” idea. Hence the purple hair. Hmm,what was that line in the poem? “When I am an old woman I shall wear purple…” hair!!?
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joylennick said:
Oh Barb…Such great fun! Do you recall those recordings by an American guy (name escapes me at present!) who chatted, humorously, about being a driving instructor, etc.? You could make a lot of ‘pin money’ by making similar. ‘Chapters from my life…’ They would sell like hot cakes…Onwards and upwards. X (I am about to be seriously chronologically challenged in May. Don ‘t ask…) It’s a blatant lie. x
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Judith Barrow said:
Reblogged this on Judith Barrow and commented:
Well deserving of a reblog here!!
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noelleg44 said:
Just great, Barb. The one thing I HATE about this aging crap is that people are constantly reminding me. You are forgiven. 🙂
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