What’s your best revenge?

Supposedly, vengeance isn’t good for us. We’re told it’s soul-destroying, that it belongs to whatever deity you subscribe to, or that before you head out, you need to dig two graves.

We know better.

The reality is that revenge feels good on a chemical level. In the past decade, studies have shown that planning revenge stimulates the dorsal striatum, the reward-related section of the brain. Further studies seem to show that actually achieving the revenge might reduce that pleasure however. The greatest pleasure, therefore, is in the planning.

What life really teaches us is that revenge may be unprofitable and possibly dangerous, but it feels great. Our brains are hard-wired to love seeing victims get revenge — which explains about 98 percent of book and movie plots, Cubs baseball fans, all writers, and Judge Judy. [image credit: Mary Beth Edelson’s “Kali Bobbit” (1994) at @davidlewisgallery.]

Of course, when it comes to revenge, I’m a rank amateur. Sure, I know the basics. You identify the waste of oxygen who done you wrong, and then work your way down a time-honored vengeance menu:

• CAR: Key-scratch your name across their car (bonus points for visibility and penmanship), superglue the gas cap on, maybe slash a tire or four. Breaking windows is noisy, but if you happen to have access to the keys, it’s always charming to stuff some fresh tuna down small slits in the seat upholstery. And of course, there’s the can of spray paint that can be used (with a little practice) to write large words across the car documenting your ex’s offenses. Extra credit if you take a picture of the results and post it on a neighborhood billboard.
• BACK ATCHA: If the cheaters don’t know yet that you’re onto them, it’s always fun to share the news with their family, friends, employers, and any random passersby who can spot the giant sheet detailing their crimes draped across the front of your house. Or the billboard. (It’s the little things…)
• CROSS YOUR LEGS: revenge can be disturbing and frequently icky. In 1993, Lorena Bobbitt famously hacked off her abusive husband’s penis and then tossed it into a field. In 2004, a crowd of victims in India stormed the courtroom where Akku Yadav was about to be released after allegedly raping more than 200 women. The enraged mob cut off his penis before beating him to death.
  
  

  In the 1970s, Thailand reported an epidemic of abused wives severing their husbands’ penis, and then throwing it out the window. Traditional Thai houses were built on pilings above ground for ventilation, while the family pigs, chickens, and ducks lived beneath. The epidemic of penile amputations gave rise to a popular saying, “I better get home or the ducks will have something to eat.” [image credit: The Guardian]

Revenge: a dish best served cold?

If the anticipation of revenge is the most pleasurable part, then a long cold preparation should be exquisite. For example:

• Truth in Advertising. in 75 BCE, a 25-year-old Julius Caesar was captured by a band of Cilician pirates in the Mediterranean. He befriended his captors and even convinced them to ask for a higher ransom, all while he joked that he would have them all crucified. After he was freed, some time passed. Eventually, Caesar hired a small private army, returned to the pirates’ base, and indeed had all of them crucified.
• You Killed My Father. Prepare to Die. Blaming the Ming Dynasty Emperor of China for the deaths of his father and grandfather, Manchu Chieftan Nurhaci proclaimed Seven Grievances against the Ming Emperor and called for rebellion. It would be 43 years before his successor finally conquered China, by which time the Emperor had committed suicide.
• High School Can Kill You. In 2012, 70-year-old Carl Ericsson was the victim of a high school prank. More than 50 years later, he showed up at the house of Norman Johnson, of one of his bullies, and shot him when he opened the door. By that time, even Ericsson himself was shaky on the details, but he still received a life sentence for the plan.

How about you? What’s the best revenge story you’ve heard? (Or lived?)

Or pop back tomorrow for my review of the longest, coldest revenge: Hard to Forgive by Georgia Rose.