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Dating, God, hell, humor, Kung Pao Chicken, Manhattan, Marriage, men, men drivers, People, PMS, Relationship, toilet sea, top ten reasons, United States, why buy a cow, women, women drivers
A while ago several of my friends were discussing the number of wedding presents to be purchased this time of year. Somehow (there may have been margaritas involved) the topic turned to things somebody should have mentioned before the I-do’s.
My fellow women, many brave margaritas were sacrificed to bring you the cautionary warnings in the following list. If you get married, chances are good your spouse will be a male______ [fill in blank from list below. Bonus points if you get all ten.]**
10. DRIVER: Unless you live in Manhattan or have accumulated buckets of disposable income the old-fashioned way (lottery, inheritance, sneaking onto a city bus that’s had an accident so you can claim a back injury), sooner or later you and your husband will find yourselves in the same vehicle without benefit of professional chauffeur. My theory is that there is a boys-only supplemental drivers-ed class that the girls never see. There (in addition to the cabal handsignal involving middle fingers) boys learn the sacred tenets of manly driving:
- A man never asks for directions. GPS/SatNav Corrolary: A man actually knows a better route than the satellite directions. He also knows a better route than the cab driver.
- If a woman drives a car belonging to a man who is not suffering from at least two broken limbs (casts are helpful here), other male drivers are required to question his masculinity.
- When a woman is driving, a man knows the importance of pointing out every other car, fence, pedestrian, and potential hazard in a three-county region. He also knows she will be grateful. Eventually.
- Under no circumstances will a man make more than one potty stop per trip. That’s what God made empty Coke bottles for.
9. HOARDER: Your husband will know that if anything happens to his good old college sweatshirt covered in his good old college stains, he will never be able to exercise again. Also, the second you throw away that take-out container with the cure for cancer he’s been culturing in the back of the fridge, it will trigger the immediate meltdown of polar icecaps. As you sit on your roof, waters rising around you, he’ll be forced to point out that it’s all your fault. If only you hadn’t tossed that leftover Kung Pao Chicken, you could have held out until help arrives. And if only you hadn’t gotten rid of that special sweatshirt he needed for his workout routine, he would be in good enough physical shape to turn the rowing machine and one of the bathtubs into a rescue boat. If only.
8. LAUNDRY: Bad case scenario – he might expect you to do his laundry. Worst case scenario: he will do your laundry.
7. FEMALE SYMPATHIZER WANNABE: Take your average millenial husband. He knows that PMS is out there, his enemy, waiting to turn a relatively rational wife into someone whose reply to “Hello,” is “What do you mean by that, you Neanderthal?” He also knows that even to suggest, “That time of the month?” and he could be on sofa-sentry until sometime next century. If he’s lucky. Will this stop him from asking, “Touch of the old hormones?” Of course it won’t. (But it might help your defense when you’re trying to get the homicide charges reduced to involuntary manslaughter…)
6. BODILY FLUID REJECTOR. (No, I didn’t mean those bodily fluids. Get your mind out of the gutter, girl…) Men, for the most part, cannot clean up vomit. That’s why they go far, far away for spring break and boys’ weekends. What’s upchucked in Vegas gets cleaned up in Vegas – by someone else. So be prepared, girl: if you get married, your child will not cough, blow, wipe, or barf on anyone but you.
5. GUILT: Your mother-in-law might be the Travel Agent of the Year on the Guilt Trip Grandparent Express. But read the fine print before you start shopping for that Blue Almonds Moses Basket. It starts with the episiotomy, and next thing you know your single-digit clothing size, ability to stand without swaying an invisible child on your hip, or speak in full sentences is gone. Suddenly your kids get all the good lines, while you open your mouth and out comes your mother. It really puts owning a cat into perspective.
4. PHOTOGRAPHER: Husbands have strange ideas about what makes the perfect photo. He will look through a camera’s viewfinder and take the shot even if it does not contain a single child or close relative. If forced to photograph members of your immediate family, he will spend so long waiting for all eyes to open and all fingers to be removed from bodily orifices that the children will have grown two sizes and wandered into another zip code before the shutter clicks. Thanks to the freedom of digital cameras with exceptionally large SD cards, women know you can click the shutter nonstop on the off-chance that a child you are related to will wander past the viewfinder. A little photoshop magic and voila! Perfect shot.
3. PERSONAL HYGIENE INNOVATOR: How do men know these things? Is it possible that some mother gathers her little males and tells them, “Boys, your wife will need reminders that there is a man around the house, so be sure to leave the seat up, the manly underwear on the heater, and your very personal athletic gear looped over the towel rack. Oh, and come out and talk to her while you’re flossing your teeth. Wives love that.”
2. HELPER: Many husbands see marriage as a partnership. They’re willing to do their fair share – as long as it’s not anything that has to be done at a defined time, or where their hands get wet. Or if it involves bodily fluids of course. (see #6 above) For example, he will clean the kitchen, clear the table, load the dishwasher, rearrange the dirty dishes on the counter. When it comes to cooking, he’ll willingly peel vegetables, cut up dead chickens, chop the onions, and pierce the film. Luckily, he knows the Kitchen Fairy will handle the rest. You didn’t know about the Kitchen Fairy? Her little sister, the Bathroom Fairy, is the one who replaces toilet paper on the spindle. She also knows the magic spell to make the vacuum turn on.The top reason not to get married?
1. YOU’RE ALREADY PLAYING HOUSE.
(**The funny thing about this list? It contains all but one of the ten top reasons FOR men to get married.)
Editorial Note: Of course, marriage is a crap-shoot where the odds are all against you. But I took that bet over thirty years ago, and I’ve been winning ever since. You can too. (Except for the part where he helps with your laundry. Don’t go there.)
Grace Campbell said:
This was so funny. My favorites were 10,8, and 7. After this list, I’m thinking “Damn, this sounds like a lot of WORK!!!!”
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Bastet said:
OMG you hit the nail on the head from point 10 on! LOL….and I need a pinot chardonney at the mo’ just thinking about them!
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barbtaub said:
I love ‘pinot chardonney at the mo’’. Thanks!
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Bastet said:
As we say over here: Cin cin…I think you should cross the channel and come visit our foothills…we could sit out at a sidewalk cafè and toast to marriage…in all it’s lovely aspects (as we know, sometimes it’s not so bad) The Belgian writer, Amelie Nothomb in one of her books said the word matrimony reminded her of patrimony and so she preferred engagement for that reason… 😉
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Bastet said:
Reblogged this on Bastet and Sekhmet and commented:
A must read for all you fillies that are thinking of tying the knot…
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barbtaub said:
So incredibly nice of you! I love the Bastet reblogs because I always get so many of your devoted followers stopping by. Thank you so much.
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Bastet said:
Don’t mention it! I’m glad others share with me… 🙂
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jennypellett said:
I hadn’t realised my husband is a bigamist. Does he do that thing with you where he steps over the pile of stuff you’ve put on the bottom stair, ready for whoever is next to go up?
Yep, thought so.
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barbtaub said:
OMG! Your bigamist husband passed that along to our four children. (Oops — maybe I shouldn’t have told you about the kids…)
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Teeny Bikini said:
So so funny. I’ll spread the word 😉
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barbtaub said:
You are too kind! (Or too anxious to avoid marriage…)
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donofalltrades said:
Man hater!!
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barbtaub said:
Au contraire, Don! I love men for three very important reasons, the first two of which are spider-whapping and writing topics.
It’s just that most men have an X-chromosome shortage that makes them do stupid stuff. Case in point: I draw your attention to the comment I left on your last blog post at http://donofalltrades.com/ — “Okay, let me see if I have this straight, Don. You take your OCD-self into a restaurant and call dibs on the ‘right’ chair, threaten open-mouth eaters with death (you DID commit parenthood, right? Three times, to make sure you got the process down?), go batshit crazy over the order of the radio presets in your WIFE’S car, and propose to murder your (bigamous) wife’s colleague.
Don, Don, Don. I’m afraid certifiable is minus-one event away. I hope the meds are helping.”
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Bastet said:
Hello Barb! I’ve nominated you for the Best Moments Award! Congratulations! http://bastetandsekhmet.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=3216&action=edit&message=6&postpost=v2
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Amara said:
You have been nominated for a Versatile Blogger Award! More details here:
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kdavisfanclub said:
I am so ashamed! *giggles* My wife told me recently that I don’t listen to her, or something like that…
No offence meant, just kidding, loved this, very true and very funny. Well written and genuinely made me think a few things through. Nice post 🙂
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ksbeth said:
this is hilarious and great and i can’t wait to read more ) thanks for reading and following my words too – beth
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Elizabeth Yalian said:
Hello, I just nominated you for a cool WP Award. Welcome to the family! Follow this link to find out more.
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rynolexson said:
#9. IS so true! LOL, my husband has this shirt that was his dad’s and he constantly refuses to throw it out. HAHA this whole post was awesome!
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Robin Rivera said:
Hi, Just dropped in from the Deja Vu Blogfest and I enjoyed your post. I hope you have a great day.
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barbtaub said:
Thanks for stopping by, Robin. So glad you liked it!
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Suzanne said:
I did begin to think my husband might be committing bigamy as I read these, but then we got the the cooking and housework stuff! Got to admit he’s pretty good at all that 🙂
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barbtaub said:
Wow! He sounds like one of those Porn for Women illustrations. You got a keeper!
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dlhammons said:
This was hilarious!! Thank you for spotlighting it for Deja Vu. I must take exception to #6 though. Since I don’t have a sense of smell, I have been the go to guy for bodily waste disposal for all our children! 🙂
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barbtaub said:
I’d marry you for #6 alone! (How are you on the whole bigamy thing?)
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Tiana Smith said:
Ha ha – lets me know how much I lucked out with my hubby 🙂
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barbtaub said:
Congrats on your hub-choices! And thanks for stopping by.
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Elizabeth Hein said:
Hilarious! I am married to a “helper” extraordinaire. He’s a great guy but doesn’t know where the vacuum lives.
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barbtaub said:
I got an international call to ask where “we” keep the sheets. (Answer: Although a closely-guarded secret not usually revealed until initiates have successfully swabbed a toilet and completed a rigorous obstacle course involving replacing toilet paper on spindles in every bathroom AND actually folding clean laundry before stuffing into drawers, I eventually confessed that I hide clean sheets and towels in a compartment called the linen closet, with taped on markers showing which size sheet is in each stack.)
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LD Masterson said:
Interesting. My hubby and I are coming up on 46 years together. Some of these are still true. Some not at all. But I’m not going to tell you which. You’ll have to wait and find out.
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barbtaub said:
46 years? Sounds like you hit the hubby-jackpot! Congrats and please let us know when you’re ready to spill those secrets.
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greyzoned/angelsbark said:
hilarious! I love #2 and #6! They made me laugh out loud! Good stuff here. Thanks for sharing this for your repost! Happy Deja Vu weekend. 🙂
michele at Angels Bark
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Georgia Rose said:
Very funny Barb and I recognise much of this behaviour but my particular favourite is #6 – mine can’t deal with anything that smells – either child or pet related!!
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Carol Hedges said:
Hahahaha… been married 39 years and I can identify a lot of this! But at the end of the day, a gal has to have somewhere to put her cold feet in bed. x
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ตอกถอนให้เช่าชีทไพล์ (sheet pile) said:
Thanks for finally writing about >Top Ten Reasons Not to Get Married (for women) | Barb
Taub <Loved it!
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bettylouise31 said:
Hey I have been 60years to same man. You need to willing to give. My blog today is about my favorite state, Idaho. I do book reviews, mostly mysteries. Other blogs included things I shared with groups and about our Bengal Kato
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barbtaub said:
Congratulations on your spectacular marriage! I completely agree that marriage is give and take.
And thanks so much for stopping by. It’s always fun to meet another reviewer.
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Inspiring Max said:
Clever post and I agree it is worth it but you have to be aware of the possible problems. Its not always easy.
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floridaborne said:
Oddly, my husband cooks and cleans better than I do. He can also fix ANYTHING. His mantra is “don’t help me,” which alleviates all guilt. Unfortunately, I had to be widowed once and divorced 3 times before I found him. 🙂
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barbtaub said:
Props to you for persevering! It sounds like you deserve all your good luck this time. And thanks so much for stopping by.
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