Several celebrities have been touting the benefits of the Caveman Paleo diet. The idea is that if we eat the way people did 10,000 years ago, we will all be much healthier. As scientist Christina Warriner explained in her TED Talk, they couldn’t be more wrong. But she missed a few points, so I’d like to point out the top five reasons why the Paleo Diet will lead to the end of the world. 

Why Paleo Lifestyle Was So Difficult

Paleo Carrots. Not very edible, but useful for fending off paleo vampires.

Five: No variety. Since Airstream trailers weren’t invented yet, cavemen couldn’t take their freezers on the road after they ate all the local food and annoyed all the local neighbors by drawing graffiti antelopes on the local cave walls. So their menu was limited to slow rabbits, slower fish, and berries that didn’t kill them first.

Four: Paleo diet is dangerous. Paleolithic lettuce was pretty much all thorny spines, and the carrots were woody spikes. And the diet Coke was unsweetened.

Three: PMS. Without chocolate (no beans, including cocoa),  milkshakes (no dairy because those mastodons were really unpleasant about the whole milking concept), or pretzels (no gluten), the stone age was a scary place.

Two: They’re all dead. If the paleo diet was so healthy, why was the caveman life expectancy at birth only 33 years? (No, you mathematical types, just stop right there. You know who you are. Not only do I NOT want you to make my english-major brain contemplate the actual statistical skew caused by the ginormous infant mortality figures, but I also don’t want all those cavemen-fundamentalists picketing my blog with their Cavebabies-are-people-too signs…)

One: And the top reason why the Caveman Paleo Diet would be the end of civilization as we know it? No coffee beans means no Starbucks, so nobody would have a venue for their ‘info’ interview for a Silicon Valley startup, so there would be no internet development, so mobile phones wouldn’t have broadband apps, so you couldn’t look up the nearest paleo restaurant serving only gluten-free, high-protein grass-fed meat, plus organically raised nuts and non genetically modified berries. So everyone on the Paleo Diet would starve to death. And not only will we not have cellphones or the internet, we won’t have any Scotchy Scotch Scotch, caramel-macchiatos, or cronuts. I’m pretty sure this is mentioned in several versions of the End of Days.

Plus Miley Cyrus does Paleo.

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