Moving to a new country where you don’t speak the language is hard, especially when the new country is Scotland, and the language is one I thought I’d been speaking since birth. Take yesterday’s conversation with the dog sitter. She and her husband are incredibly nice people who probably think I’m recovering from some traumatic brain injury because I have to take several moments to mentally translate everything they say to me.
Me: “We’re back.”
Her: “That’s you!Yer’wee dug haes hud her tea enna wee. I’ll sorter kitten’sheel bee-sa chuffed yeer-bin.”
Me: “…”
(Note for those who don’t speak Glaswegian: no kittens, tea, or bins were harmed in this statement. Actual translation: “You’re all set. Your little dog has had her dinner and piddle. I’ll gather her things and she’ll be delighted you’re back.”) Don’t hate me, but I must admit I was hoping to hear the dog had a little piddle (wee wee) but no such luck.
At Village Coffee a few months ago, talk turned to an even more fundamental difference than local accents: what constitutes an acceptable morning meal. Friends who had been to my hometown, Seattle, were appalled at the shocking fare the Americans there consider breakfast. “People get up in the morning and have yoghurt with some muesli over the top. And coffee,” said one traveller. Heads shook in disbelief before another pounded a final nail into that coffin. “There weren’t even any beans.”
So here’s your international quiz. Can you figure out which countries start their day with the following fare?
Hint: who else would have a stiff enough upper lip to manage beans AND blood pudding before even getting a cuppa?
Hint: ketchup. And chocolate chip pancakes.
Hint: You say potato, I say vodka…
Hint: What kind of barbarian eats flesh before noon?
Hint: Guinness—so much more than just a breakfast food
How do you start your day?
Breakfast of Champions: vodka and 50 lb. of caviar
Barb Taub 
When in doubt, you can often get a perfectly edible breakfast by asking for tea and toast. Though my mother was shocked when the English waiter apologized because the toast was still a bit warm.
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Ah, yes. Proper toast is set out in little silver prisons to fossilize before eaten. (Unless it is placed under the eggs to ensure that it disintegrates into a soggy mash, of course…)
Thanks for stopping by!
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Oh my goodness, the vodka a a caviar… It made my stomach turn a little. The rest of the breakfasts look pretty good though!
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We just got back from Moscow, and I must confess to pancakes, caviar, and — yes — a shot of vodka. I’m going to breakfast hell.
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That first one looks like what we were served at a B&B in Dublin a few years ago. But I think It’s more British than Irish. And what is it with the cold toast? I like mine piping hot so the butter will melt.
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Actually, I had one of the best breakfasts of my life at the Greenmount House in Dingle. I’m dreaming of the day we can go back!
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We hope to get back across the pond next year some time. I will make a note to check out Greenmount House. Last time we stayed in a B&B with a tiny balcony right over the bay! It was heavenly.
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Danny Bhoy on the Scottish breakfast: hysterical.
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I got up this morning and realized that I’d forgotten to add the porridge and whiskey picture from the Scottish breakfast. But then I watched this video, while spewing out my own breakfast [confesses to granola and coffee]. After hearing black pudding described as “a scab”, I was happier about the granola. Thank you, thank you, so much for linking to Danny Bhoy’s Scottish Breakfast routine.
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My pleasure. His other stuff is equally hysterical, especially as regards his adventures in Australia and his comparative drinking study of Scotland vs. America.
I, too, have dabbled in the Breakfast Sawdust, thinking for many years it was the healthy option (was even vegan for awhile). Then, I tried the old meat-eggs-taters tradition and suddenly realized, yes, one can last until noon before hearing one’s stomach grumble and curse.
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Europeans seem like quite the whacky bunch of folks. Hard to believe anyone ever leaves. Lol. I found some green marshmallow Lucky Charms stuff in the Walmart the other day for St. Paddy’s Day, so that’s how I’ve been breakfasting recenlty. Thank you, Barb.
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I realize that I should have added another picture of DOAT’s breakfasting. No… just looked at it again. Nobody should have to see that in the morning… http://www.meaningfulmama.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/1-Lucky-Charms-Green-Milk-St.-Patrick-s-Day.jpg
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No they have a box now with only green marshmallows! The ratio of marshmallows to oats is outstanding, Barb! Outstanding! And the mild turns green afterwards! I mean, it’s not pork and beans but geez, what is, right?
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It is very hard to find a breakfast around here that doesn’t consist of blood pudding and massive quantities of processed pig (or, as Danny Bhoy says, “a scab and some processed arsehole”…)
So jealous of the green marshmallows. Can we assume that the treasured box has been sequestered from the three children who can’t properly appreciate the importance of green milk?
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Oh that was funny. I do love Danny Bhoy. My son was riding with me in the car and he stumbled across Danny Bhoy and his routine where he meets the queen. I don’t know how I didn’t hit a tree.
Danny is dead on in his comment on black pudding. A scab indeed!
Thanks!
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I’m glad you didn’t hit the tree, but I totally get it. Danny Bhoy is hysterical. I remember his old Visitors Guide to Scotland, where he calls a Scottish breakfast “a scab and some processed arsehole”.
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My favorite breakfast is a biscuit with country ham and red eye gravy. (Not a cookie, but a real thick fluffy white biscuit.) But most mornings its oatmeal with walnuts and/or fruit. I would have to have the vodka to wash down the caviar. I love accents. It’s amusing to me when someone from far away says to me, “Talk, I want to hear your accent.” I am not the one with an accent…you are.
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Oh you southern girls with your biscuits and gravy. What about the grits? Sigh… now I just really miss living in Virginia. Where y’all don’t have accents like those Yankees do…
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It’s amazing how bad we all eat around the world for breakfast. Right now for me it’s a protein shake and fruit. But I will do some chocolate chip pancakes on the weekend!
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Being British, I’m going to say “an English” is the way to go at the weekends and a few slices of toast during the week. But what’s with the vodka and red caviar? That’s way, way too much!
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I would have said the same thing until moving to Glasgow. At our B&B (I’m so not making this up) breakfast included the whole full English PLUS porridge, haggis (!) and whiskey. We saw people consuming that BEFORE they were even caffeinated. I’m in awe.
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Barb, I’m not surprised! I’m from the Northern part of England. In the winter, it’s cold so we have porridge too but we sneek the whisky in. The Scots on the other hand are proud of their fire water and will offer you a variety!
P.S. In the winter, its wild, cold, and wet. There has to be some benefit LOL!
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Oh gosh, why did I read this while in bed at night? *stomach growls*
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Count your blessings! You could have read it in Scotland, and then you’d have to get up and eat haggis, porridge, and blood pudding. And a shot of whiskey, of course. You’d definitely need that…
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I’m a week late reading your lovely post…the accents are so terrible among the English speakers of the world…the other day, we were doing Robert Burns for my conversation class and I got a youtube video with a Scotsperson reading his poem…couldn’t understand a thing! We all had a great laugh as I related and imitated the various English speakers of the world…as for breakfast…I think the Italians fit into the “What kind of barbarian eats flesh before noon?” category…and no, they don’t eat spaghetti for breakfast…fact is, they usually don’t eat breakfast but grab a cappuccino and brioche at the caffè as they run to wherever they run to in the morning.
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Finally made it over to this post! What fun 🙂 Not sure if you’re aware, but in the rest of the UK, Scotland has the reputation of eating extremely unhealthy, fat-ridden deep fried everything, it’s probably a little unfair! As you say, there are great restaurants there. For me, a standard breakfast is just some cereal or toast, nothing exciting, on Sundays we quite often make pancakes or less often French toast. The big egg and bacon fry up is very rare in our house, bacon sandwiches for lunch aren’t so rare fried eggs done, over here a fried egg is a friend egg and you get it how they do it!
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