Tags
American, Black Friday, British, humor, laundry, washing machine
A few years ago, I made a big mistake: I let my husband move to England before me. By the time I got here, he had already acquired the household basics. “But don’t worry,” he assured me. “I did just what you would do and got them on sale.” Oh, yeah, I was scared too. Luckily, he equated little and cheap with “on sale” so most of the POS dollhouse-sized crap items barely outlasted their six-month warranties, with only a few exceptions. That adorable little fridge can still chill almost a whole six-pack.
Then there was the washing machine he bought. Actually, it was a combo washer/dryer, and it made its home in the kitchen, a convenient location because its optimal load was about one pair of jeans. Or—if you wanted them to come out dry—one leg of a pair of jeans. This amazing mechanical feat took about five hours per load. So basically, I ran the thing 24/7, taking the (still-soggy) clothes out and draping them over every available surface. Then each and every board-stiff, crunchy item had to be ironed. No really. Everything. (Use your imagination. Yup. Those too.)
I tried to explain to the Village Brain Trust (ie Village Coffee Morning regulars) that very few Americans ironed their dishtowels. Or their knickers. A few admitted that they had heard such crazy talk before, but dismissed it as blatant anti-American propaganda. “I saw them ironing on Frasier,” I was told. More than once. Actually, once they learned that I was from Seattle, they asked if I’d ever met any of the Frasier cast. The show apparently attained cult status here, perhaps because of its ironing expertise. When I confessed that I’d never seen Frasier, I think several of them wondered whether I was actually some kind of foreign spy. Maybe from Wales.
How Americans Iron–
Like my dog, the washer was prone to fits. Every few months, my clothes washer wrinkler nemesis would regurgitate all the water in its tank, and have to be emptied by hand, usually when something urgent was occurring in the kitchen (like this).
Digression: I had a philosophy professor back in the day who said two things I remember. One was that cogito ergo sum actually means “I am thinking, therefore I exist”. The other was that it is impossible to hate inanimate objects. I disproved the first statement the first time I went to a professional football game , where I discovered that it is completely possible for large numbers of people to exist quite convincingly without doing any thinking at all. The second one went when I realized that what I felt for that washing machine was no less than pure, unadulterated loathing.
But I must have been banking some serious karma, because last month a miracle happened. The washer broke. The repairman who gave me the terminal diagnosis said that most people don’t dance at such news, and he usually sees very little singing. Then he told me that I was in luck because it was Black Friday and there were sales going.
Okay, another digression. Sue me. Here in England, they are a bit Black-Friday-challenged because a Thanksgiving holiday celebrating the Pilgrims’ successful escape from religious persecution in England has never really caught on here. So they can’t really have Black Friday shoppers trampling each other the day after Thanksgiving to get into Marks & Spencer for the doorbuster deals. Not to mention the fact that it’s England: they’d just queue up in an orderly fashion and if anyone attempted to jump queue, they would look at him very severely. There might even be throat-clearing.
As far as I can tell, they choose a random Friday in the lead-up to Christmas, and put washing machines on special. But here’s the good part. They have washers AND dryers. Cogito, ergo volo siccis vestibus! (I am thinking, therefore I want dry clothes.)
As a writer, I’m all about the HEA. (Happily Ever After) I’m not saying I’m obsessed with my new washer and dryer. It’s just that I’m so enchanted by the concept of doing an entire load of laundry in less than an hour that I roam the house looking for anything which might have touched the ground or human skin and thus needs immediate laundering. When the kids visited over the holidays, they told me I had a problem, and wondered if there was a 12-step program for compulsive launderers. Just because I tried to get them to give me the clothes they were wearing “for a quick wash”.
Cogito ergo quidam iudicent. (I’m thinking some people are so judgey…)
quiall said:
That was hilarious!!!
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barbtaub said:
Why, thank you!
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Kassandra Lamb said:
LOL I had a washer like that in my first apartment years ago. It held about 5 pieces of clothing at a time (I was a couple sizes smaller then; today maybe 3 pieces) and had no concept of “spin cycle.” Clothes came out sopping wet and had to be wrung out over the bathtub before I hung them out on the line (no dryer). Thanks–I think–for bringing back those memories. 😀
Your dog is a cutie! But I’m not sure I would have forgiven him for eating the apple pie.
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barbtaub said:
That apple pie was a shocker. Until then, we’d actually believed she was a good dog who would never steal food off of counters. Now, sadly, we have to conclude that she was only too stupid to realize that it was there.
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Kassandra Lamb said:
Sadly my dog falls into the too stupid to know it’s there category too, but I like to pretend that she is just being good.
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markbialczak said:
I tried to keep a stiff upper lip and then I had to come clean and crack up at your husband’s buying spree, Barb. Bad deals. Very bad deals. No dorm fridges or small laundry combo machines allowed forevermore.
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barbtaub said:
He explained his buying technique, which boiled down to grabbing whatever was on sale and was nearest the door. If you get too far inside, you are prey to sales people who want horrific things, like to talk to you. [shudder]
It’s like being one of the teenagers about to go into the haunted house, even though he’s seen the movie before and knows he’ll probably end up as ketchup. If the teen doesn’t have to impress the girl (because, say, they’ve already been married for decades), he’d know not to go any further than the porch, grab the nearest sale washer and dorm fridge, and run for his life.
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markbialczak said:
He could have been a hero for years and years with a good Fridgadaire an Maytag. What a wasted opportunity.
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sknicholls said:
You crack me up. I’d hate to reveal how many days I rewear my clothes. Mostly pajamas, and washer and dryer have absolutely nothing to do with it. Just lazy. Though I do need a new pair. (Washer and dryer, not pajamas.) And ironing? WTF is that? My iron lives in a back closet in the guest suite. Hum…I’d never make it in England, would I?
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barbtaub said:
No problem! Just stay with me and you’ll be fine. Um…about those pajamas—how about handing them over for a quick wash?
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Jessie said:
Oh, you make me laugh! And while I laugh I cross my fingers that my husband never goes shopping for a washer like that!!!
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barbtaub said:
The fact is that the only appliance-shopping he’s ever been comfortable with was the phone call to Sears, after which the new item would magically appear and then last virtually forever. Apparently, Sears wouldn’t deliver to remote English castles…
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Cathy said:
Priceless! Husband is wondering what’s making me laugh so much at 7.30 am. The less ironing the better – and is it indeed entirely possible to hate inanimate objects. Thanks for the early morning mirth 😀
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barbtaub said:
Of COURSE it’s possible to hate inanimate objects. There is no other possible explanation for Kevin Costner’s film career…
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Georgia Rose said:
Brilliantly funny Barb – as always! My husband is actually in charge of loading our washing machine – we have a dryer but it is never used by him (the expense you see…) so the house constantly looks like a laundry… Roll on summer when the washing line comes into play 🙂
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barbtaub said:
You should visit me in Glasgow. I’ll wash all your clothes and DRY them with my energy-guzzling American dryer. You’ll never iron again.
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Seumas Gallacher said:
LUVVED IT! 🙂
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barbtaub said:
Thanks Seumas! Next time you’re in Glasgow, we’ll just pop that kilt into the washer and we’ll have it dry and fluffy in no time. Really.
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Paul said:
That is hilarious Barb. There are a few items in life that it is important to buy the best and just pay once in a lifetime. Washers and dryers are in that category for me. I will shop the best brand across stores to get the best deal but it has to be on the best brand. My attitude towards most things especially consumables is the opposite = buy the cheapest that is safe.
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barbtaub said:
As usual, you’re completely right Paul. We’ve always been HUGE fans of Sears Kenmore appliances. So you have to understand how hard it was for the poor guy to step away from Sears purchases cold turkey. It’s a cruel, hard Sears-less appliance world here across the pond.
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Keith Channing said:
Okay – you’ve got yourself a new follower. Your sense of humour almost makes you an honorary Briton, although that is probably negated by the fact that you’ve never seen Frasier. How can that be?
That aside, Happy Blog Blitz Day, and congrats on being the first blitzee of 2015!
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barbtaub said:
Hi, Keith! I’m thrilled and flattered to have you follow the blog! But about Frasier… if I make a confession, do you swear you won’t tell? I don’t own a TV. So when I do watch, it’s usually to stream the Dr. or a movie. I really, really tried to watch Frasier once on an airplane. But I mustn’t have had enough to drink, because it was just so…painful.
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Michelle Wallace said:
Loved this!
With the sense of enchantment that has ‘washed over you’ and the fact that you’ve resorted to roaming the house looking for things that may require immediate laundering… you could start a home-based Wash-O-Rama! 😀
Happy Blog Blitz Day!
Enjoy the ‘flood’ of comments coming your way!!
Writer In Transit
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barbtaub said:
Thanks, Michelle. I’m so excited about the blitz day. I have to go run a load of laundry to calm down…
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suzanne said:
Hmmm, not all Brits iron everything 🙂 My poor Mum hasn’t got used to the fact that unless we wear it visibly on our bodies it’s not being ironed! Which, as the kids have left school uniforms behind has meant less and less to iron , bliss! And I gotta agree with you on the whole UK Black Friday deals, nonsensical nonsense!
Happy blitz day! xx
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barbtaub said:
My friend Marianne has perfected as-needed ironing. There’s no need, she reasons, to iron anything but the collar and cuffs of a shirt worn under a sweater. Or, as your Mum would be horrified to hear, any part of any garment that’s not directly visible. But those crunchy, scratchy air-dried underbits are just so yuck. Of course, that’s all in my past. Now I just pull their soft, warm, fluffy selves direct from the (American, energy-guzzling, massively inefficient, thing of beauty) drier. Bliss!
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Alex J. Cavanaugh (@AlexJCavanaugh) said:
Barb, glad you finally got a washer and dryer that worked. And did more than socks. Or should I say one sock?
We don’t iron in our house either unless we are desperate.
Happy Blitz day!
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barbtaub said:
Thanks for blitzing me, Alex. It wasn’t just washing a sock at a time. It was having to IRON them after. Just so, so wrong! I felt my feminist creds evaporating every time I ironed a sheet. Or—yes, okay I admit it—a dishtowel.
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Sarah Foster said:
Too funny! I’m fairly certain I’ve hated several inanimate objects in my life. Happy Blitz Day!
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barbtaub said:
I think you’re right! In fact, I’d put my last boss into that category. Thanks for the blitz.
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Karen said:
Congrats on the new appliances. I’ve been holding a bedside vigil with my crappy dishwasher for awhile now, but so far its clinging to life desperately. I probably should just pull the plug.
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barbtaub said:
You’re probably like me. I loathed that old washer with every fiber of my being. But the girl who combined a Catholic school education with 5775 years (by Jewish calendar) of guilt couldn’t just get rid of the old one until it was well and truly dead.
This, sadly, probably explains a large portion of my wardrobe too.
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spunkonastick said:
Your kids wouldn’t give you the clothes they were wearing? What’s wrong with them?
Happy Blitz day!
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barbtaub said:
I know! The only one that was understandable on was my youngest, a card-carrying certified geek who probably only HAS the one hoody and jeans. Although she does seem to possess a vast collection of snarky graphic t-shirts. She could, at least, have let me wash some of those.
Thanks so much for the blitz.
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E. L. Lindley said:
I love your post Barb and as a person who lived for a couple of years in Texas I really appreciate those cross cultural differences. I remember arriving Stateside having never used a dishwasher and flooding the entire apartment. My neighbours were more astounded by the fact that I’d never used a dishwasher than the fact they had water coming through their ceiling. On a serious note though I think things like fridges and washers are only built to last a couple of years these days – I’m sure they purposely make them substandard so we have to replace them 😀
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barbtaub said:
Jewish weddings include a ketubah, or marriage contract. I’m fairly certain that mine specifies that I get a dishwasher. Even if it sometimes is the kind with opposable thumbs who sleeps on the other side of the bed. Did you get used to it enough to miss the dishwasher when you left Texas?
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Kelly Bradley Hashway said:
lol I have an unhealthy obsession with vacuuming. 😉 Happy blitz day!
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barbtaub said:
You’re my dream roommate! Any chance you’d consider moving to Scotland? For free laundry service?
Thanks so much for the blitz.
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Christine Rains said:
Absolutely hilarious! Laundry is one of the household chores I enjoy doing. The smell is wonderful and the folding of warm clothes is calming. Enjoy that new washer and dryer. Happy Blitz Day! 🙂
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barbtaub said:
Ah, someone who gets it! You can come sniff my warm towels any time. (And yup–that does sound a lot more disturbing written down than it did in my head…)
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jeffhargett said:
Totally delightful little story. I’m curious though; have you educated your husband regarding such purchases in the future? And yes, it’s certainly possible to hate, loathe, and despise inanimate objects–profusely. 🙂
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barbtaub said:
Thanks! I’m glad to hear that about inanimate objects: it validates my feelings about Kevin Costner movies and jello. (And the hub’s off the appliances committee. For life.)
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DL Hammons said:
We used to have a water heater that I loathed, and I swear whenever it caught me having thoughts about replacing it, the hot water supply for everyone BUT ME would be endless.
Loved this tale of domestic unrest. And BTW…you’re being BLITZED! Enjoy. 🙂
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much for the blitz! As they say here, I was gobsmacked.
My sympathies about the water heater. We had an old Volvo like that. When I drove, it would stop dead in the midst of blizzards or make alarming noises, especially if the Hub was in another country at the time. I remember once when we were living in rural VA and my son had an allergic reaction. I loaded the kids into the Volvo and took off over the mountains from Blacksburg to the hospital in Roanoke. About halfway there it started sputtering and spewing smoke. Other drivers pulled up alongside me, pointing and waving frantically. My son was gasping for breath by then, so I just nodded and smiled like the Queen of Valium and we kept going. Sadly, while we were in the hospital, the dealer managed to fix the Volvo, so we had to take it home with us again.
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stratplayercjf said:
Very fun post!
I would never assume you know the Frasier cast just because you’re from Seattle…
But I’m sure you’re a big fan of Nirvana, Soundgarden, and Pearl Jam, right??? 😉
Happy Blitz day!
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barbtaub said:
Well, sure. Who isn’t a fan of Nirvana & Pearl Jam? Thanks for the Blitz!
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mirymom said:
I really enjoyed this post. Looking forward to getting to know you and your work.
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barbtaub said:
Thanks, and thank you so much for the follow!
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Heather M. Gardner said:
OMG! Where have you been all my life? That was ‘severely’ funny. Thank you.
It’s nice to meet you!
BAZINGA!
You’ve been blitzed! Have a great day!
Heather
Insecure Writer’s Support Group: Member
Blog Blitz 2.0: Member
Blogging from A to Z April Challenge: Co-Host / Member
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barbtaub said:
Thanks, Heather! And where have you been all my life?
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Miranda Hardy said:
I understand your rejoicing! Hope 2015 is fabulous, and happy blitz day!
Enjoy the washer and dryer!
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barbtaub said:
Thanks for the Blitz! Oh, and okay–I’ll enjoy 2015 AND the appliances.
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Susanne Drazic said:
LOL. Happy Blitz Day!!
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Sarah Ahiers said:
oh my gosh. This was wonderful AND hilarious!
And happy Blitz day!
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barbtaub said:
Thanks, Sarah. And thank you so much for the Blitz.
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Natalie Aguirre said:
I might have broken the washer on purpose. Hope you got an amazing new one. Happy New Year and Happy Blitz Day!
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barbtaub said:
Unfortunately, that’s where a lifetime of guilt (Catholic schools AND jewish mom) did me in. As much as I hated that damn machine, I just couldn’t pull the plug. But that didn’t stop me from dancing on its grave! Thanks for the Blitz.
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Nicki Elson said:
And you would never have known the joy a proper washer/dryer can bring if you hadn’t battled with the first joker. Hmm, it’s sort of how I imagine a second marriage would be.
I cracked up through this entire thing. Mostly because you’re clever & hilarious but also because I can somewhat relate via stories from my sister who’s been an American living in London for the past six years. I never realized politeness could be irritating until she went on a rant about it. One of my very first experiences in England was stepping on an Englishman’s foot and him apologizing to me.
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barbtaub said:
Thanks, Nicki! I once had a lady in England apologize to me for being short. But my favorite under-appreciated British artform is the attack “You’re welcome”, muttered to people who don’t say “Thank you” quickly enough. It’s a scary thing.
I don’t know about second marriages. But I think if my husband had bought even one more appliance, one of us would have been finding out about them.
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Tyrean Martinson said:
So hilarious! But, I think I could become a compulsive washer-dryer user after all of that, too. I’ve used those duo-purpose washer-dryers before and some work, and some make me think that the company who made them wanted us to go back to washing by hand.
Happy Blitz Day!!!
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barbtaub said:
Thanks for the Blitz! Believe me, there were days when I considered the trading the washer in for a washboard. Or a new husband. Luckily, I got a new washer (and same old hub!)
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Theresa Milstein said:
My husband and I shop for appliances together, so I think we have a similar price point and so on, but I wonder what would happen in the same situation. I’m glad you have an excuse to get a new washing machine. My dishwasher broke 2 weeks ago. My husband had repaired it already. We’ve always moved into places with old dishwashers. We finally broke down and bought a new one. It’s been so quiet and actually CLEANS. Wish I’d done this ages ago.
Happy Blitz Day!
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barbtaub said:
Thanks for the Blitz! One of the things that always amazes me about buying new appliances (cars too) is that because we keep our old ones for so long, when we do get new ones the features seem like something out of one of those World-of-the-Future exhibits. My congrats on the new dishwasher!
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Kimber Leigh Wheaton said:
Oh, thank you so much for the laugh– I really needed it today. That Frasier clip had me laughing so hard my dogs were staring at me like I’d lost it.
Happy Blitz Day!
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much Kimber! Happy Blitz day to you (although I’m still puzzled by the Frasier fans here). My apologies to your dogs.
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Suzanne Furness said:
Enjoy your blog blitz! Happy New Year.
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Robin Rivera said:
I’m not sure I own an iron! This is so funny, and it makes my laundry dramas pale in comparison. A great post.
Happy Blitz Day!
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barbtaub said:
Oh, see I want to be ironless like you when I grow up. Thanks for the Blitz!
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Kate Larkindale (@Vampyr14) said:
Ah yes…. The hideous English washer/dryer. We had one of those, also in the kitchen when I lived in London. I have never seen a more inefficient appliance.
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barbtaub said:
I’ll tell you a secret. My new washer and dryer are American! I’ve given up the disposal and trash compactor. Made friends with the separate hot and cold water taps. Even got a fridge so tall and narrow I have to stand on a stool to reach the top shelf, let alone forget about any thoughts of water in the door or ice (didn’t even come with ice cube trays). The universe owes me dry clothes.
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mplanglinais said:
I visit the UK semi-regularly, and whenever people learn I grew up in Texas they want to know all about my horses, and they want to know why I’m not wearing a hat or boots . . . Seriously. Anyway, Happy Blitz!
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barbtaub said:
Thanks for the Blitz! And my best to all your horses. (heh, heh…)
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hjmusk said:
Enjoy your new washer and dryer! They’re invaluable when the weather’s so rubbish. And as for the person who saw some ironing done on Frasier, it was probably the English character Daphne that was doing it!
Happy Blog Blitz!
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barbtaub said:
I’m not a Frasier fan, so I had no idea the British character did the ironing. But all is now making sense. Thanks for the Blitz.
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Laura said:
Love this post!
And, honestly, I don’t even know how to iron. I should probably be embarrassed by that fact, but I realized about 10 years ago that everything I wear becomes wrinkled in about 30 seconds anyway, so I gave up. I fully support not ironing things like dish towels.
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barbtaub said:
You’re my hero! We iron-impaired need to stick together.
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Mason Canyon said:
Great post, Barb and so nice to meet you. I can’t image ironing dishtowels (or anything really). Happy Blitz Day.
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barbtaub said:
Thanks Mason! I appreciate the Blitz, and (in your honor) will NOT iron the dishtowels.
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kentuckygal50 said:
OMG, I will wish you a Happy Blitz Day when I get up off the floor (where I fell at least once while reading your post – from laughing).
…
…
no, seriously
…
…
Happy Blitz Day! And Happy New Washer and Separate Dryer Day!
And can I send you some coffee so you don’t run out and can keep writing for a very long time? ;O)
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barbtaub said:
Wow! I’m sitting here with a huge grin because your comment just made my day. Thanks so much!!!
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Julie Dao said:
Phew! What a story! Well, a machine that washes one pair of jeans is better than none at all, I suppose 🙂 Happy Blitz Day, Barb, and nice to meet you!
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barbtaub said:
Thanks, Julie. To set the record straight—it wasn’t the one pair of jeans. It was having to IRON the jeans at the end of the process. I think it’s in the California legal code that we must never iron jeans or appear publicly with that crease down the middle of our jeans leg.
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Taly said:
Never trust men or children with domestic duties. I learned that long ago!
Happy Blitz Day!
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barbtaub said:
Um… but that just leaves me. Sure, I run a mean load of laundry. But other than that, I’m happily domestic-impaired and intend to keep it that way.
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salarsen said:
Haha! This was great! I loved Frasier, btw. 🙂 Happy, Happy Blitz Day!!!
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dawnall said:
Happy Blitz Day! You have no idea how much this post enchanted me. First, I’m past stressed. Way past. People have eyed me with one finger hovering over 911 on their phones. I need a laugh, a smile. Plus, I relocated from the city to rural America, which probably is about as much of a culture shock as America to England. Thanks for the smile and I’m so glad you got the washer and dryer. As a compulsive laundry freak myself, I heart you.
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barbtaub said:
I’m so glad you liked it. What took a city girl out to the sticks? And how is that working out? To my own surprise, I liked going from downtown Seattle to a tiny English village with about sixty houses. Except for the laundry part. And the ironing. I’m pretty sure in the real world, there is no such thing as ironing. Hope the fingers have moved off the 911 speed dial!
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dawnall said:
One: we inherited a family ranch and two: our boys are now only three hours away. 🙂 It is like a second home for us as we brought the boys here so much as they were growing up. As much as I love it, the change does throw one for a loop. We went from our pick of five star restaurants and hotels to a McDonalds and a Sonic and a bunch of 2-3 star motels. Sigh.
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Indywrites said:
Super funny! Happy blitz day! Again! 🙂
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much for the Blitz and the follow. I’m so glad you’re here.
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Lauren said:
Culture shock, indeed. I really liked the throat clearing comment. 🙂 You’ve been blitzed!
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barbtaub said:
[clears throat] Thanks!
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Emma Adams said:
This is hilarious. I’m from the UK and can barely use an iron, but that’s probably a writer thing. 😛 And the part about hating inanimate objects, I reserve a burning hatred for my old laptop. Happy blitz day, and thank you for the entertaining story!
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barbtaub said:
No iron? You’re my hero! Okay, I have to know. What did the old laptop do? (I presume that’s your ex, and the new love is properly cherished?)
Thanks for the Blitz.
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Chrys Fey said:
I had a good laugh while reading this. Happy Blitz Day!!!
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Beste Barki said:
Happy Blitz Day!
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Sherry Ellis said:
Too funny! Happy Blitz Day. Hope you enjoy all the blitzing!
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