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When I get a bad review…
I play the one-star game. It’s easy! Just take any classic work of literature, and check out its one-star reviews.
For example:
“This book is the worst love story ever! Read Stephenie Meyer books!” ~Sachi <3 Review
—Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare, 1595
“P to-the-double-O P.”~ Ring Mah Bell’s review
—Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, 1813
“While the plot was very gripping and well-written, the book didn’t actually instruct me on how to kill a mockingbird. I bought this book intending to do away with this obnoxious bird that’s always sitting in my backyard and making distracting noises. I had hoped this book would shed some light on how to humanely dispose of the bird, but unfortunately it was this story about a lawyer and a falsely-accused criminal. As I said, the plot is great but nowhere in the book does it say exactly how to kill a mockingbird.” ~Eddy Allen’s Review
—To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee, 1960
![[image credit: 9GAG.com]](https://barbtaub.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/728439-_sx540_sy540_.jpg?w=300&h=243)
[image credit: 9GAG.com]
“This book is SO BORING that I LITERALLY FELL ASLEEP! I also ended crying because I had SO MUCH expectations, that I was disappointed with what I read.
I also had a extremely bad day at work and I needed some kind of relief. This book didn’t make me smile 1 bit.
I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED!
Also, ONE SHOULD NEVER CHANGE THE STORY’S TITLE!
NO MATTER WHAT!Extremely Grammatically Disappointed, Henrietta Wimple“
— Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s [Sorcerer’s] Stone by J.K. Rowling, 1997
“The only good thing about having read this (probably ten years ago) was that I did not pay for it. The woman I was working for at the time forced me to read it; she had read it and thought it was wonderful, and since I had some kind of reputation as a reader she wanted (demanded, actually) my opinion.
I gave it to her.
I don’t really think that has anything to do with the fact that I didn’t work for her much longer.” ~Tracey’s Review
—The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown, 2006
“Twilight with whips, chains, and even worse writing.”
—Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James, 2011
Oh, yeah. I wrote that one…
Want to play? Tweet your favorite to #1-starClassics. What’s your favorite literary slam?
Here’s one to get you started.
![[image credit: Goodreads] https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/5205104?book_show_action=false&from_review_page=1](https://barbtaub.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/screen-shot-2016-07-06-at-6-09-24-pm.png?w=529&h=290)
[image credit: Goodreads]
added NOTE: for a seriously helpful and entertaining look at handling bad reviews written by successful author Terry Tyler, see her post Dealing With Bad Reviews
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Barb Taub 
Bwahaha! A matter of taste I suppose. The Beatles were rejected dozens of times before they found a producer. Star Trek was cancelled for poor viewing numbers. Einstein was thrown out of school for being stupid. And then things happen that I can’t possibly understand – like Barb Taub was given a UK driving permit. :D
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Hey! I resemble that remark…
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This has to be my favourite http://www.booktryst.com/2011/12/when-field-and-stream-magazine-reviewed.html great list Barb
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I love that review, and absolutely adore that a stuffy mainstream mag like Field & Stream would be part of that tongue-firmly-in-cheek hoax. Thanks so much for sharing!
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Brilliant!!!!! There are three on my bad reviews post.
http://terrytyler59.blogspot.co.uk/2016/07/dealing-with-bad-reviews.html
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A terrific post, and I particularly LOVE the “review” of the Bible.
Because I wrote and scheduled this post before going on holiday, I hadn’t read your post first. It’s of course better, funnier, and much more helpful than mine. I hope you don’t mind but I’ve now included a link in my post above. Thanks again!
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Brilliant post! So funny :-D :-D
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Thanks, Cathy! I wonder—as a reviewer, are you ever tempted to go for one of those one-star bombs?
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I admit I have been tempted but, generally if I dislike a book that much I stop reading and put it down to a book that’s just not for me. I very rarely post a review less than 3*. I agree with your assessment of 50 Shades though, that was just dreadful, I didn’t get past the first few chapters. Maybe if I’d been writing reviews then…..
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Full disclosure? I didn’t even get that far in 50 Shades. This is just the review I imagine I would have written…
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I just couldn’t believe how popular it was. I thought I must be missing something.
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It’s what you were NOT missing—good taste, discernment, literary appreciation… It’s a pretty long list actually.
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I know! Absolute rubbish.
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I agree, Cathy. My mom always told me, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Advice that I disregarded on a regular basis.
But, when it comes to posting reviews, I do the same thing and assume that it’s just not for me.
And then get totally shocked at the large number of readers who liked “50 Shades of Grey.” I struggled to read that without trying to edit it. And I gave up trying to read it, I just couldn’t slog through that driv**.
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Absolutely, Linda. Thanks for commenting.
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The To Kill A Mockingbird review is hilarious. :-) :-)
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I know! I want to believe that it was a joke. But my daughter wrote a book as sequel to Romeo & Juliet, which was a big hit and is being made into a TV show. Her favorite review is a 1-star that says something along the lines of: “I like this because it isn’t a play but that’s all.”
And one of my favorite negative reviews (for a humorous travel memoir about India) says “I thought it was more about elephants. It’s funny and entertaining but still just okay.” —from a reader who had reviewed exactly two other books, both about elephants.
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Haha. Big thumbs up for your daughter’s successes. I wonder what the reviewer has against plays though? I love a good play :-)
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I ripped off Mark Twain and although I do not have as many reviews as he does, our average reviews are the same. Go figure.
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No surprise to me. I love the way both of you write!
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Oh, and I’ve always loved this Goodreads review of Tom Sawyer, where the presence of the title character ruins it for the reader:
“The Adventures of Tom Sawyer” by Mark Twain
Dec 17, 2012 Annette Cass rated it ONE STAR
“The presence of Tom Sawyer ruined the part of Huckleberry Finn where he appeared and ruins this book also.”
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Reblogged this on O LADO ESCURO DA LUA.
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Thanks so much for the reblog! Very much appreciated.
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Great post, Barb, brightened up a miserable, wet Sunday. I enjoyed Terry’s, too, so thanks for adding the link.
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Thanks Mary! Any favorite one-star reviews?
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Someone sent me (through the post) a publisher’s reader’s report on The Bible by Anonymous. I must scan it so I can send it to you. To give you a flavour of it: ‘The Sodom and Gomorroh chapter, with the transvestites putting the make on the angels, is worthy of Rabelais; the Noah stories are pure Jules Verne… In other words, a real blockbuster, very well structured, with plenty of twists, full of invention, with just the right amount of piety, and never lapsing into tragedy.
But as I kept on reading, I realized this is actually an anthology, involving several writers, with many – too many – stretches of poetry, and passages that are downright mawkish and boring, and jermiads that make no sense.’ And so on. I wish I could find where it’s from because there’s also a snippet of another reader’s report on Homer’s The Odyssey.
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“First, we must ask, does it have to be a whale? …Could not the Captain be struggling with a depravity towards young, perhaps voluptuous, maidens?” Herman Melville’s Moby Dick
(can’t remember where I read this, but it’s priceless, so I saved it)
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Bwahaha! That’s absolutely perfect! And, frankly, a damn good question.
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Reblogged this on Don Massenzio's Blog.
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Thanks so much for the reblog Don!
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You’re welcome.
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The Harper Lee review is a joke, right? It must be. The Harry Potter??? I couldn’t even finish reading that. Fun list. :-)
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I think it’s an old joke, but I’ve always liked it.
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Good to know. :-)
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Barb, I shall bookmark this at the very least as I plod my way through this first draft doing damage control and asking myself who would even want to read this?
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There is only one person who you should write for, and that’s you. (But I’m guessing the rest of us will love it too!)
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Absolutely. Perhaps we may find out if others would like it but you know the difficulty in trying to get published…
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Actually, my publishing history is very unusual. When I was finishing my first book, a friend told me about a new indie publishing company (Taliesin, now called Hartwood). I sent them the book and they’ve published almost everything of mine since then. The one exception was a little self-pub book that I pasted up as a present for my two travelling companions and then put on Amazon. (Surprisingly, that little book has been my best-seller, and continues to sell steadily.) So I realize that my journey has been the publishing exception, and also that I am damn lucky.
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Barb, you are indeed fortunate but I believe there is more to it as I do read your blog and love your humour. Have you done a post about your publishing journey? That I should love to read…
The bit about the one they passed on going to Amazon and being a best-seller is another example of how you keep us coming back!
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Reblogged this on poetry, photos and musings oh my!.
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Thank you so much Léa for the very flattering reblog!
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My pleasure Barb. If we had a list of famous authors who had received a rejection letter, what a long list it would be. Yet when in the process, it is easy to take it personally.
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What could be more personal than the book you poured your blood, sweat, and heart into? I know that there are stories of JK Rowling getting buckets of rejections and I don’t know who else, so maybe those rejections are easier to take if they are balanced by…well…your bank balance.
I suspect I’ll never know.
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How true, but if we give up… Ah, the bank balance, funny you should mention that. Do you remember the one about The Starving Artist?
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Is that the one with the day job asking “And do you want fries with that?”
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Alas, as one who is not from the EU (remember, England use to be a part of that) I am not allowed to work here and I’m certainly not going back…
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Shhh! We are now permanent residents of the U.K. (unless Scotland pulls out, of course) and I’m very specifically NOT mentioning to the Hub that I’m now able to work here. Some things he really does not need to know…
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You are absolutely correct. There are some things best left unsaid. You are permanent residents to what some of my British neighbours call the Titanic but we have all seen that film or at least know the ending. Scotland will pull out and Ireland feels aligned with Denmark (with the DNA to back it up). That leaves Wales and I know what my Welsh grandmother would have said…
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Haha! Actually I think none of those things are likely. (Then again, I said the same thing about Brexit and Donald Trump getting the nomination…)
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Alas, while my friend in London told me it couldn’t happen… it did. As for Trump, the Brits can tell you, Empire doesn’t last and Trump is likely to be the last straw to bring it all down. I’m so grateful to be here…
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Thanks for making me smile!
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Your lovely comment made me smile, so thanks for that Lucia!
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Reblogged this on lucinda E Clarke and commented:
To cheer us all yup when we see our 1* reviews :)
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Wow! Thanks so much for the reblog. And may all your reviews be 5-star.
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I loved the review for To Kill a Mockingbird …. Fun post.
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Pingback: Bad reviews = good company! #1-starClassics #SundayBlogShare | Marcha's Two-Cents Worth
Downright hilarious reviews, but sadly many authors get some of the most ridiculous bad reviews. In particular the ones who say the book was bad because it was a mystery and they like to read romance. Well what the heck did you read it for? Duh! And don’t get me started on Fifty Shades, lol. :)
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I’m just glad to get a review. Here, in full, is my favourite 1 star review – of my own book. It’s my favourite, because of the first 7 words… Why would you do that?
I actually read through the book twice, and simply could not follow it or appreciate whatever it was that the author was attempting to do. Fractured sentences and the incorrect use of grammar throughout doesn’t help matters; the book is full of very basic editing mistakes that should have been addressed before publication (the author even admits up front that they ignored an editor’s suggestions). Not worth your time- I know I’ve got several hours now that I’ll never get back.
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You’re right of course—those first seven words are a jaw dropper. Thanks for the share!
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Thanks, Barb. And what I didn’t say (slapped wrists) is what a great post. It does us all good to be reminded that not everyone is going to like everything – though it was good to seem some parodies of reviews in there as well
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My worst reviews are on Amazon US ..because they don’t ‘get’ my sense of humour. Hahaha….oh and I have one from some person who couldn’t manage to download the book and so gave me a one star review. When I feel down, I go and read some of Dan Brown’s. And I think: bet he cries all the way to the bank.
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Ouch. I apologize for my countrypersons. I would say that I have NO idea how anyone could fail to get your sense of humor, but… When we lived in the Midwest (Illinois), I had a syndicated humor column. In my own town, there were always people who took every word I wrote as the literal truth, and would write to the various newspapers complaining that I was mean to my mother and a bad role model for my daughters. My editor LOVED it, and always gave those letters big play.
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The only thing critics can write is – ” a review”. If they knew creative writing they wouldn’t be writing “reviews”.
BTW, there are no monuments built in the memory of great critics. They came, they ranted and were….gone with ( some even without) the wind !!
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Um… I review books. And I write them. I know several terrific writers who do the same.
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Agreed but what is going to make you great…reviews or writing ?
My choice is the writing.
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You are absolutely correct.
Of course, I’m one of the lucky ones—I don’t need to be great. I write the books I’d like to read. I review the books I like to read (note: there are no reviews under 3-stars on my blog because I tell authors that if I don’t like their book, they should look for another reviewer). And if you happen to look at any of my reviews, I hope you will be able to tell that I work hard on the writing I do for them. Hopefully, it also helps to hone the writing I do for my own books. I realize that writing reviews isn’t for every writer—indeed, not for most writers—but I like it. I think it makes me a better writer, improves my blog, and just plain makes me happy.
Will it make me great? I’m not going to be remembered for my book reviews, but I’m probably not going to be remembered for my books either. But I have an incredible family. I’ve had a long and successful business career. Frankly, at this point, I don’t need to be great. I’m fantastically lucky that I only need to enjoy what I’m doing. And do I ever!
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Who knows who is going to be great. You stand a chance ( at least ) because you are “in line”.
A creative writing can attract 100 reviews but 100 reviews can not attract one great writing. Its not made to order. Reviews need a creative writing but a creative writing does not need a critic or a reviewer.
Every “writer” can write or express in at least one language and every person who can write can become a critic but not a ‘creative-Writer’ !!’
It is like getting pregnant. We all have female eggs but the ‘writer’ is the one who manages to get ( or is blessed with ) a creative sperm. A critic is self dependent but a writer is not. A great writer delivers but to deliver… s/he has to get pregnant and female egg alone does not do the trick,
Some people have sporadic supply, some yearly and the great ones have a regular supply of ‘sperms’ !!
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On this one I think we’ll both have to agree to disagree. Frankly, getting pregnant is the easy part. So is coming up with the “creative spark” for a book, at least for me. The true achievement—either as a parent, or as an author—is in the results. There are no child-reviewers giving stars on Amazon for how well the kids turn out. But you’d better believe that every writer wants and needs those reviewers for their books. If the current system of completely voluntary, unpaid reviewers has its downsides (such as the misinformed f**ks who put up egregiously irrelevant one-stars) they are balanced by the incredible generosity of the reviewers who volunteer their time and their thoughts.
Can a writer exist in a vacuum, producing only for the joy of their words on paper? History says yes, and they have existed. But most of us, even those like me who write just for the fun of it, welcome the generous contributions of reviewers. (Even if we do wish that all reviewers were as thoughtful and insightful as I am…)
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I think both of us are either confusing readers / readership with reviewers / review or simply negating the existence of millions of readers who spend their hard earned money to buy and read, unlike some reviewers who simply enjoy a free ride or simply gate crash into the party – just to take the credit for the grand success of the party.
Anyways. We both can have it in our own way. Nothing more to add. Good luck.
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It takes on average about twenty hours to read and carefully review a book. If anyone is getting a free ride here it is we authors who ask for these reviews.
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There’s gotta be a way to incorporate this method with book reviews emergencyreputation.com
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