As the product of American schools, I’m geographically-challenged. I can confidently place Europe as being somewhere in this solar system. Or the next one. Thanks to the web, geography is something succeeding generations of Americans might never have to learn, along with tying their shoes and writing in cursive.

I only bring this up because I told my friend I was excited about my upcoming holiday in Austria. A few days later, she wrote back asking if I’d seen any koalas. So for all my American-trained readers, here is my answer.

Dear Family and Friends,

No, I haven’t seen any koalas.
Before you ask, there aren’t any kangaroos here either.

And (given my name) if someone suggests throwing some steaks on the Barbie, things are going to get ugly fast.

But Austria is wonderful. Apfelstrudel und Mozart are an inspired combination. We heard music that ranged from park oompah-bands to some of the world’s greatest musicians and artists performing Mozart. 

Just… no koalas.

Translation for those who don’t speak emoji:
Dearest Mother and Father, 
Here I am in all this water. 
I thought a girl on the ferry was all that,
I said, “You’re the bomb!”
She screamed, “BOMB WHAT?”
I tried to back off, tripped on my untied shoes,
Bumped the alarm, then it’s “Abandon Boat Youse.”
Phone doesn’t work wet, no idea where I be. 
I started in Scotland. Headed for Turkey?
I put this letter in a bottle, threw it overboard.
Three days later it was back, with a comment: USE YOUR WORDS.