What’s your Work Love/Appreciation Language?

Back when I got paid to get out of bed on Mondays, I heard through the human resources grapevine about the Love Test, in which Gary Chapman’s “Five Love Languages” theory was adapted to workplace “appreciation” training. This was, naturally, HR’s fault. After decades in the human resources trenches, I knew everyone hates HR because…well, because they’re HR. Sadly, many human resources executives cling to the cherished illusion that employees can be trained to appreciate each other (by which they mean, of course, appreciate HR). In fact, however, employees reserve all their appreciation for only two things—money, and being left alone. (Or three things if your company has Donut Day.)

Still, never let it be said that I was unwilling to do my part to further scientific research. After careful preparation, I was ready to take the Love Test. The only free version was for couples, but their literature pointed out that the same theory applies to couples relationships (“love”) and to the workplace (“appreciation”).

Apparently, there are five areas of Love/Appreciation Languages:

A: receiving gifts
B: quality time
C: words of affirmation
D: acts of service
E: physical touch

The test itself was…bad. Have you ever taken one of those would-you-rather scenario quizzes? (“Would you rather be stranded forever alone on a desert island with no internet, or in a Bergdorf’s dressing room with Donald Trump?”) Well, this was worse.

Question: It’s more meaningful to me when…

A: I receive a loving note/text/email for no special reason from my loved one.
C: my partner surprises me with a gift.
E: my partner and I hug.

It goes on and on like that. And on. The only ones I could answer definitively were the ones that mentioned presents, or the ones where somebody does stuff for me.

My Results: According to the results, the love languages I speak fluently are Receiving Gifts and Acts of Service. Apparently, I’m really, really good at getting presents and getting other people to do stuff for me, but I suck at providing quality time, and physical touch is a complete no-go. On the plus side, for 99% of workplaces, that pretty much keeps me out of trouble and out of jail. Apparently, I rock the Work Love/Appreciation Test. Who knew?

If I was rewriting the test, of course, I might channel a more meaningful set of love/appreciation languages. Some that come to mind are:

Coffee. Not only does it always make me feel better, but it’s love language that’s legal, costs less than a hotel room with an hourly rate, and—even if it comes with pseudo-Italian names—it always, always works. It’s more meaningful to me when…

A: Receiving Gifts. My partner brings me coffee the way I like it, and tiptoes away making absolutely no noise whatsoever.
B: Quality Time. My partner does not expect interaction or even speech before that first coffee.
C: Words of Affirmation. My partner agrees it’s really more cost effective to make my coffee from specially imported beans which cost more per ounce than some illegal drugs. [NOTE: this is a stretch, so I’ll settle for the coffee delivered with minimal sotto voce grumbles.]
D: Acts of Service. My partner empties the coffee grounds into my special container for feeding my roses.
E: Physical Touch. My partner would never, ever consider touching me before, during, or immediately after I’m drinking coffee.

 

Medical Conditions. It’s more meaningful to me when…

A: Receiving Gifts. My partner goes out and buys me the extra-absorbent sanitary pads after my surgery even if it means asking the pharmacist for advice.
B: Quality Time. My partner looks up all my symptoms on Google and spends hours discussing the ways they might kill me.
C: Words of Affirmation. My partner claims not to notice any stretch marks from my (4) pregnancies.
D: Acts of Service. My partner puts the sock on my foot when my knee doesn’t want to bend.
E: Physical Touch. My partner brings me the cat.

Social Media. It’s more meaningful to me when…

A: Receiving Gifts. My partner never forwards anything from Facebook–not a meme, not a kitten video, not even a birthday announcement.
B: Quality Time. My partner doesn’t stalk old girlfriends on social media. (I’m not sure he would know how.)
C: Words of Affirmation. My partner pretends to believe I thought up the jokes I heard on Facebook, and even laughs.
D: Acts of Service. (see C: above, except my partner laughs really hard)
E: Physical Touch. My partner is boycotting Facebook until they add a WTF button.

How about you? What would your love language be?

Obviously, every set of  friends and/or lovers makes their own. For example:

Family as Love Language.

A: Receiving Gifts. I smile because they are my family. I laugh because there’s nothing they can do about it.
B: Quality Time. A mother proves she’s indispensable when she tries to spend five minutes alone in the bathroom.
C: Words of Affirmation. “If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you’ll be going, ‘you know, we’re alright. We are dang near royalty.’” ~ Jeff Foxworthy
D: Acts of Service.“There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother’s age.” — Benjamin Spock
E: Physical Touch. No vacation where family members ever have to sit next to each other could possibly end well.

And finally, a category that has become all-important over my years:

Galentines, the found-family and friends who make my life whole.

A. Receiving Gifts. A good friend brings you grapes in the hospital. A great friend brings you fermented grapes in a bottle. A Galentine sits on the hospital bed with you, shares the bottle, and assures you that you’ve never looked better.
B: Quality Time. A good friend yells at your bully. A great friend fights by your side. A Galentine tells you, “Stay down. I’ve got this…”
C: Words of Affirmation. A good friend calls you in jail and gives you the name of a good lawyer. A great friend bails you out. A Galentine sits in the next cell and says, “That was fun. It reminds me of the time we…”
D: Acts of Service. When you show up with a dead body, a good friend offers words of comfort. A great friend knows where to bury it. And a Galentine just grabs a shovel, points to their cheek to show where you missed a spot of blood, and brings a bottle of wine to commemorate all the body’s poor choices that led to them being the cause of your celebration.
E: Physical Touch. When you part, a good friend kisses your cheek. A great friend hugs you goodbye. A Galentine says, “Now that we got rid of those two losers, let’s break out the good chocolates and talk about them.”

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Here’s wishing you a Valentine’s Day in your love language. And a special wish for all your Galentines ☕️❣️