Why I should not be allowed to get blog awards

one-lovely-blogI’m rubbish at  blog awards. Oh, sure, I love to get them. I get all sentimental, and I mean—no, really I do—to acknowledge them with the humble gratitude and appreciation they deserve. Only… I don’t. While I sit around wondering how I can possibly top the charming and gracious blog acceptance posts of the incredibly generous people who nominate me for the awards, life happens. Instead of my blog posts. 

Today, for example, the witty and insightful Cathy at Between the Lines passed along the One Lovely Blog Award. Will I give her the honest thanks her thoughtfulness deserves? Those (many) who have sent similar awards know the answer to this.  

Well, there it is. So instead, I’ll recycle an earlier post (which, hopefully, won’t be noticed by any of the four people who originally read it), thanking Cathy, naming other suckers lucky winners, and waiting for my mother’s ghost to whap me upside the head for failing the good manners she kept thinking she’d raised me with. 

My Acceptance Speech:
First of all, I’d like to thank Cathy for her misguided thoughtful award, and thank Tina Fey for not writing a humor blog containing the definitive blog award acceptance speech. I thank my parents, who (despite their attempts to hide it from my nine siblings) always liked me best. Obviously, I need to thank the man who has always been there for me, tirelessly devoting himself to making sure I face the world at my best – Antonio, who does my hair. Now comes the part of the speech where I grab my audience by their balls heartstrings and tug as I drop my voice tenderly to thank my four children, who taught me how to say NO and I mean you; don’t make me come back there because you’ll be sorry, and … where was I? Oh, yeah – you rock, kids. [waits through the clapping and cheers, modestly wiping away a tear] So I’ll just (virtually) lift this award above my head in a fist pump to acknowledge all the readers who made this the 27th happiest day of my life. (I would have moved it higher in the rankings, but let’s face it: I am still overweight, uncrowned, and just not that into world peace.)

I'm so proud to dedicate my life to blogging. And whirled peas.

I’m so proud to dedicate my life to blogging. And whirled peas.

Now, the rules say that I’m supposed to list seven things you might not know about me, and then name some bloggers who deserve the award more than me (that would be all of them).  Okay, here are my seven things:

  1. My family has a genetic defect which compels us to accidentally memorize recipes that involve chocolate chips.
  2. As head of Human Resources, I’ve had to fire myself. More than once. (Unfortunately, I never got to control the number of zeros on my severance check…)
  3. My younger sister is the seventh daughter of a seventh daughter, which means either that she is a witch, or that she will never have to pay for her own beer in Ireland.
  4. I actually only could think of six things, but I figure nobody will read this whole list or notice this one here in the middle.
  5. After four kids, I will still be able to recite Good Night Moon on my deathbed.
  6. I don’t take vacations where you have to put on shoes to get to the bathroom.
  7. I used to say if you get the chance to try something you’ve always wanted to do and you don’t do it, it will be the sign that you’re getting old. That explains a lot of things in my past like skydiving and early encounters with law enforcement. What I now realize is that getting old beats the hell out of the alternative.

Other victims lucky nominees? (This will teach you to comment on my blog. Mwa-ha-ha-ha.)

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