Maybe it’s an American thing?
I’ve been hearing about something I don’t understand. Apparently, people are throwing massive blowout parties for their children’s first birthdays. Don’t the parents get that this is their ONLY free-pass year, when their child won’t even know it’s their special day? Are we talking the cupcake with a candle in it, the odd balloon, and an empty box that will entertain the kid completely for hours?
Not even a little.
in fact, even though the birthday-child will never remember it and probably can’t say it, parents are scheduling first birthday parties that top the most extravagant weddings. The only thing missing is the bridezilla—mostly because the guest of honor can’t talk yet, at least not enough to insist all the guests adhere to strict color-coded apparel and pick the presents from a pre-curated list.
![](https://barbtaub.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/yard-sign-first-birthday.jpeg?w=529)
I’m completely not making this up. In a list of the most popular first birthday venues in Manhattan—toy and candy-filled fantasy lands that rent for upwards of $1000/hour—customers are urged to book at least a year in advance (presumably while the guest of honor is still attached to an umbilical cord, or even before anyone has peed on a stick). If the party is held in a home, the location must be announced via a massive construct of painted sign and balloons documenting the event inside. [image credit: pinterest]
![](https://barbtaub.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/babys-first-birthday-buffet-.webp?w=529)
Although the guest of honor can’t use a fork yet, an astonishing spread of food, drink, and entertainment must be provided, with complete lists of ingredients and variations for the gluten-free, vegan babies with nut allergies.
![](https://barbtaub.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/birthday-fail-1.gif)
And let’s not forgets the “smash cake” for the obligatory faceplant.)[image credit: Funny or Die]
But don’t get me wrong: there are reasons I still think a first birthday party is an absolutely brilliant idea. The birthday child can’t argue with parental decisions until they get old enough to A) talk and B) demand to know why they only got a bouncy castle, while little Smergatroid’s parents provided ponies, fairies, and the entire cast of the Lion King.
With nine siblings and four kids, I’ve committed birthday parties.
When my first daughter was old enough to ask my age, I said I was 21. Unfortunately, we accidentally sent her to school. There she learned a bit more math, and wondered why my parents let me go to college at age eight and get married at twelve. I told her that was because I grew up in California. But in Illinois, where we now lived, girls couldn’t get married until they were 32 and completed their PhD.
Then for years I did my part for conservation by recycling my 31st birthday, until offspring who were still adding “and-a-half” to their age demanded more significant observation of their advancing years.
When I first became a parent, I had higher standards. I might even have had ideals, but that period is kind of a blur. I do remember the first party I gave for my older daughter, mainly because she and her friends were still talking about it a decade later. But back in that more innocent time, I was still getting my parenting tips from publications with titles like “Naturally Raising the Consciousness of Your Holistic Macrobiotic Child in a Non-stereotyping Environment.” (It was the eighties. Please don’t judge me.)
My daughter’s little friends were stunned to discover her birthday party treats consisted of raisins and peanuts, 100% natural juice dense with pulp, and a biodegradable carrot cake. All of it was as recyclable as their folded-newspaper hats because no kid would touch it on a bet.
Her social obligations soon led my child to accept a number of birthday invitations which revealed the scope and scale of my betrayal. At real parties, children consumed doses of artificial food coloring and flavors which would be fatal in laboratory rats—although, let’s face it, everything is fatal in laboratory rats—before being sent home with treat bags bulging with enough sugar to send them on a three-day bender.
As time, additional children, and sleep deprivation eroded my standards, my pediatric partying switched into Licensing Mode. When you care enough to spend the very most, you take your preschooler to Party-Papers-R-Us to choose party invitations featuring her Saturday morning cartoon character of choice. Thoughtfully arranged next to the invitations are about a mile and a half of shelf space containing matching party necessities made of enough paper to deforest Vermont. And you can’t just buy one package of each item because PPRU’s crack market research team has figured out how many children your daughter will invite and has packed exactly one less item in each package.
The next step in party preparation is the cake, or technically, the frosting support.*
*[Birthday Pro Tip #1: There are some good mothers out there who actually decorate cakes to match the party theme, but since no child will eat more than the frosting, I recommend you get a brick cut into 3-inch squares and keep re-frosting it for years of party fun. Throw a bag of M&Ms over the top, and the kids will think you’re another Picasso.]
It’s important to set a time limit on the party.**
**[Birthday Pro Tip #2: A little rule of thumb is that no matter how many activities you have planned, it will take an entire houseful of preschoolers exactly 8 1/2 minutes to play all the games, dissect their frosting, unwrap, and break the presents. Even allowing another twelve minutes for at least one child to throw up, and you’re still faced with at least another 99 1/2 minutes for the sugar-crazed horde to ransack your house while their parents ignore your frantic phone calls.]
Just keep telling yourself: it would probably ruin your child’s special day if you were brought up on assault charges when those parents finally show up.***
***[Birthday Pro Tip #3: If you don’t live in a legalized marijuana state, valium works well here.]
Another solution is revenge.****
****[Birthday Pro Tip #4: You can talk to your child’s friends about their families. Believe me, they’ll tell you anything. At my children’s parties I have been told in detail about parental salaries, medical histories (“Don’t you like my Mom’s nose? She got a new one from the doctor…”), traffic tickets (“I asked the policeman if he was going to put Dad in jail or just shoot him…”), or even one mother’s lingerie (“She says she got it for my Dad, but it’s really little and red with little black bows and I don’t think it would fit him at all…”).]
When the parents pick up their child, look them straight in the eye and say, “We had a wonderful time with little Susie. She told us all about your interesting family and the photos from your weekend in Vegas.”
But do you want to know the VERY best tip for children’s birthday parties?
![](https://barbtaub.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/let-it-go.gif?w=529)
Be the grandparent! You can give the loudest, biggest, most inappropriate present. You can shovel out the most artificially-dyed sugar. And—best of all!—you can then go home! [image credit: Disney’s Frozen]
What was your best (or worst) birthday ever?
![](https://barbtaub.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/champagne.jpg?w=529)
One of my best birthdays ever was 100% child-free. We got back to our hotel (in Venice!) to find they had dropped off a bottle of champagne on ice. (Yay for passports with birth dates!)
My daughter had a slumber party on Friday. Parents went to Dallas and didn’t get back till Sunday night. I was steamed.guess that was big gift for them.
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Those parents could go to jail and their kids be taken away. What did they say to you when they finally got back?
It’s amazing to me that you have to take classes and do hours of practice to get a driving license, but incompetent assholes are allowed to be parents.
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My daughter had a slumber party on Friday. Parents went to Dallas and didn’t get back till Sunday night. I was steamed.guess that was big gift for them.
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Oh the birthday parties! I had almost forgotten about them. Now the nightmares will return. My daughter’s birthday is December 15th, ten days before Christmas. (terrible planning on my part, well no planning actually) I worked in retail management at the time so was working 70 hours a week in December. But she had some great birthdays. Not sure about going all out for the first birthday though. That’s a bit OTT.
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Haha! Our anniversary is right after Christmas. We forget about it most years…
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First birthday parties? As Darlene says, OTT. I’m glad that part of life is over, both the staging and the attending! I could stand all of the attendant b’day party requirements but dealing with the (possible) hurt feelings (didn’t get an invite; present wasn’t good enough, yadayada) was awful. I hated that part.
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It takes the wisdom of Solomon (and maybe a strong mojito) to make it through a child’s birthday party.
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my goodness, are those parents crazy? My son could always invite as many friends as we could seat around our round table… I made cakes, we had sausages in puff pastry, they could either paint, or build (trains, lego, etc) go out to play, they got some ‚normally forbidden‘ sweets and that was it. The best (and most frightening) kid‘s party was when son insisted that I take them all to an big indoor pool with slides etc. I told him that the maximum was 5 kids (3 kids counted then as 2 adults in a car) and off we went. Sadly, we were in for maybe 15 minutes, when I slid down a wild water slide when the ‚traffic light‘ was green for my slide, another older boy got down on his – which was on red‘ and he crashed into me full force. It left me with lifelong back problems, migraines, severe headache and vomitting – a birthday party well spoilt. I nearly drowned and the other kid (not known to us) got just sent out of the water park…. I still don‘t remember HOW I got my group of boys home and how I was able to feed them at our place. That sort of ended my enthusiasm for children‘s parties – and my son thankfully wasn‘t too insistent. We gave him extra outings in summer at the lake, with ice cream for all, sandwiches and carrots in form of dragons, cucumber beasties, bread wrapped around sticks and grilled on an open fire and hour-long football playing. It was an much easier time then.
My best birthday? No idea… Maybe the one when we lived in the UK and we bought our house a few weeks earlier. It was a round one and because nobody knew my age (I have a much younger Hero Husband), we disguised the party as a housewarming event. I had great fun, catered for some 30 friends, a girlfriend had her period over our new fire-red leather sofa and left a forever ‚tattoo‘ on it…. she visited us last year and I told her that she left an indelible mark on our sofa; she didn‘t remember at all and we laughed like teenagers over a sweet boy!
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This isn’t a comment — it’s a rough draft biography! (And I’d love to read the rest of it.)
Our rule of thumb was that our kids could invite one child for each year of their age. That still didn’t help the year my son turned five and we took six testosterone poisoned little monsters to the indoor mini-golf, sugared them up with birthday treats, handed each a golf club, and turned them loose. I still get nightmares, but luckily none of the parents sued us, and the ambulance drivers were very understanding.
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I think too that my life and everything in it sounds more like an airport novel (beach reading in English)…. the fact is that I have the gift to remember everything ‚different‘, funny, emotional, crazy and the maybe greater gift is that I forget the unpleasant so completely that I had to call my ex to ask for the date of our divorce when I needed date and proof for a legal document in France. He had it sent to me within 20min of my asking. Which made that I could forget the unpleasant rest of our divorce and just remember that bit of help fondly! (I‘ve forgotten AGAIN when I divorced him – it‘s of no consequence nowadays)
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I can’t stop giggling, Barb! You make me laugh out loud!
We had many parties~cake, presents, and well-intentions! Most of all, family, and a few bucks! Yep, let the grandparents buy the expensive ones. Great tips! Lol
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Good thinking. Grandparents LOVE to buy presents, especially noisy ones with lots of small pieces. Then we go home.
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Ha! Yes!
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so crazy and not that far off the mark. I do think that Americans tend to go birthday crazy, they try to upstage each other, and really why not just stage a first birthday for when your child is having a good day for a photo op, and then you can do your social media posting/public bragging? your baby won’t know and you will look like an amazing parent online.
as for my own family, we were low budget. my daughters always asked me to make a cake, (you have to be able to talk to earn this level of celebration), and one asked me to make a ‘prince’ cake, not as in fairy tales, but as in the musician, so it was a purple rectangle and circle of rainbow sprinkles for hair. another year a daughter wanted a ‘schmoo’ cake, based on an ambiguous blob cartoon character, so that was a blue rectangle with sprinkles everywhere and messy frosting smeared around. you get the idea, and it’s clear what my art level and style is. one of them had an orange rectangle cake which had something to do with Scooby doo, and for the life of me, I have no idea what the connection was, but it was a rectangle, and did have sprinkles on it, but all I had left were brown sprinkles, so it resembled ‘scrappy,’ Scooby’s young dog nephew. one daughter said that I made often made her ‘corn cakes’ – a giant rectangle of cornbread cut into different shapes each year, and frosted with a few sprinkles on top, such as my ‘sombrero’ cake, for her Mexican party, and to this day, if she hears the words corn and cake in the same sentence, she yells out loudly, don’t do it!
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I love the sound of those cakes. Your daughters were lucky.
I did try to be a good mom, at first anyway. But nobody liked my healthy cakes (especially not the year I thought I could sneak some chopped veggies in there).
But I definitely hit a new low the year I was a working mom with three kids under age five. I bought some frozen pound cakes, a bunch of premade icings, and bowls of M&Ms and other candies. Then I cut each kid a square of cake, let them pile on the sugar bits, and reassembled them into a patchwork cake for the candles and singing. Each kid was then served “their” cake, everyone got what they wanted, and the other parents were in shock as they returned to collect their sugar-crazed offspring. My daughter’s friends talked about it with awe for years.
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Stunning and something I would have done had I thought of it!
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Barb, you sound like Mother of the Year to me….. great, great idea.
Do you know ‚Rüeblitorte‘? Carrot cake you call it, and indeed I never knew what made this cake such an everlasting triumph. How can the inclusion of a tiny amount of grated carrots make a ‚great, healthy‘ cake? Right, it is a moist affair, and yes, you don‘t really taste the carrots, but hey, give me a proper simple Death by Chocolate affair or a really tangy, lemon-infused cake any time over any fancy affair!
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Beth, I bet you were greatly admired by the kids for your efforts. The whole concept of making fancy cakes with themes bypassed me (and probably the whole country of Switzerland) and my first serious encounter with themed cakes was during my time I lived in England. Both, HH and I thought it ‚horrible‘, tacky, really bad taste…. Here back home, cakes as per children‘s wishes basically had to contain chocolate (lots), candles, and be surrounded by kids food (sugary, salty, unusual in form and shape) – that way the afternoon was saved! It was always good to have copious amounts of band aids, cold and hot towels, candies to deflect pains and sometimes the number of the nearest doctor came in handy. Once my son, then maybe 5 to 7, got bitten in his upper arm by his friend‘s Great Dane…. and no, it wasn‘t at a birthday party – thanks God for that.
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wow –
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Chocolate is almost always the correct answer.
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This was so funny! I remember when parents were expected to stay for the party. Really? Can’t the host manage a dozen kids playing pin the tail on the donkey?
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In my childhood neighborhood, there were so many kids that my mother kept a stash of birthday presents wrapped and good to go. She would hand over a gift and send us out the door to take ourselves to the party. And even then there was competition. Our parties were similar to yours, but there were always the moms who produced pony rides and even clowns (I remember running home screaming in terror). Good times.
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Yes, same here and good times!
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I stupidly let our eldest invite the whole class to her sixth birthday party. I went to some trouble – even made multi-coloured fruit jellies in waxed paper dishes. One of the boys was fascinated by the texture and tested it out by throwing some at the boy opposite him. He reciprocated (of course) and it went full-on food fight. Even the sweetest-looking girls took part. The cherry on the party cake – an expensive shop-bought one – was finding it reduced to crumbs and slobber by our two rough collies when I went to light the candles. I halved a grapefruit, covered it in foil and stuck some candles in that. It was such a relief to hand the smeared and stained children back to their parents. I love your frosted brick notion and will pass that tip onto the grandchildren.
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The WHOLE class? Were you a masochist?
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Horribly naive! I thought, because I could control whole classes of older children as a teacher, it would be a doddle. I was wrong…
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Alex, were you insane? LOL
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Our idea of birthday parties was to feed the kids pizza and let them run around. My son’s first happened when we were in Scotland visiting some friends. We bought a cake, let him mess with it, took pictures, and then went out to dinner.
My daughter worked for an upscale balloon store in LA and told me parents would pay as much as $10K for balloons for a kids birthday party, even a first. Give me the money instead!
Great fun post, as usual, Barb.
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My sister worked at Disney training the horses. She said parents would (regularly) spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on children’s birthday parties. I guess it was worth it not to have to do the cleanup.
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If only we had that kind of money! Then you’d be living on a island with ferry service!
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…. lol – with a functioning ferry service?!
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“She says she got it for my Dad, but it’s really little and red with little black bows and I don’t think it would fit him at all…”
Love it!!!
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Thanks. (I had to get my entertainment where I could I’m those days. )
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