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American living in England, Automated teller machine, England, Hon William Hague MP, humor, Lebanon, MasterCard, Pound sterling, scam, Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, The Right Honourable, unemployed, Visa
When we moved to England, I had two worries. How hard would it be to make friends, and how would I handle being an unemployed dog-walker aspiring writer?
I don’t have to worry about either of these again. Although he was in Lebanon last week to Look Very Serious about Hezbollah, refugees, and male pattern baldness, The Rt Hon William Hague MP, First Secretary of State and Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, took time to send me an email. Turns out, he’s been concerned about my state of poverty. His email starts:
Subject: Official Notice OFFICE OF THE PRIME MINISTER TREASURY AND MINISTER FOR THE CIVIL SERVICE, LONDON,UNITED KINGDOM. Our ref: BRT/3470/IDR our ref:..23/02/2013 BRITISH GOVERNMENT POVERTY ALLEVIATION AND FINANCIAL EMPOWERMENT PROGRAM. On Behalf of the British Government,i wish to inform you of your selection as one of the Beneficiary for the on going 2013 phase One(1) of the British Government Poverty Alleviation and Financial Empowerment Program worldwide. All participants/beneficiaries were selected randomly from Worldwide online networks Directories as a beneficiary of £2,000,000.00 (Two Million, Great British Pounds Sterling).
Wow! I had no idea he even knew I was here, let alone that I needed two million pounds. What a nice guy. I’m sure we’ll be really good friends, and I want him to know I don’t believe those stories about him and the entire Oxford Football Club. Anymore.
The Rt Hon William goes on to say:
So, this letter is to officially inform you that three(3) option of payment have been opened for you. 1) Issuance of an ATM MasterCard 2) Issuance Of Bank Check 3) Bank Wire Transfer Please do indicate your PAYMENT OPTION. As this office will mail you a Visa/ATM CARD which you will use to withdraw your funds in any ATM MACHINE CENTER or Visa card outlet in the world with a maximum of £5000 GBP daily or our contracted paying bank here in London,United Kingdom will raise a check in your favor or make the transfer to you depending on your OPTION OF PAYMENT you have indicated.Further more,You will be required to re-confirm your Bio-Data as stated below to enable; Rt Hon William Hague MP,Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs,begin in processing your awarded funds. 1) Full names: 2) Address: 3) Country: 4) Nationality: 5) Phone #: 6) Age: 7) Occupation: 8) Zip Code 9) Sex:
This is a surprise. The Rt Hon William knows I need poverty alleviation, but he doesn’t know where I live? Or that my occupation (AussieDog wrangler/writer) doesn’t actually involve a salary? Still, I guess giving out £2 million to deserving poverty-stricken people like me might mean The Rt Hon hasn’t had a lot of time for details like sex. [Answer to #9: Hell, yeah.] Or using good grammar…
I pressed on for the info on how to collect my well-deserved payout.
Forward all your details reply to: ——————————————————- Rt Hon William Hague MP Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs sffc_govt.uk@hotmail.co.uk Tel:+44 702 409 4640 Fax:+44-700-596-1982 ——————————————————- Regards, Mrs. Elaine Rooker Smith. Liaison Officer On Foreign Payment
I thought it might be best if I explained this personally to Rt Hon. Luckily, since we’re such good friends, he included his mobile phone number at the bottom of the letter. But I’m pretty worried about him because apparently this number is no longer in service. Is the UK government’s program to alleviate my poverty causing them to have difficulties paying their phone bills? And (since the email lists a Hotmail address), are they also having trouble covering their internet fees? With the wolf at Rt Hon’s door, I’m thinking of telling him that he should keep a few thousand pounds out of my £2 million for himself. No, really: I can get by with the remaining £1,998,000.
I hope Rt Hon doesn’t take this the wrong way, but things being what they are, I’m thinking I’d prefer my payment option to include a suitcase of unmarked bills delivered by a neckless guy named Vito. He can leave it in the trunk of my car. And while I’m really happy about getting the £2 mil, I hope The Rt Hon William Hague MP, First Secretary of State and Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, understands if I leave him off my New Year’s Eve party list. I’m not sure how well some guy who can’t even pay his mobile phone bill will fit in with all the great new friends I’ll have by then.
Barb Taub 
You are so funny. Do you mind if I add your website link to my website? My family will love this.
Cheers, Amanda
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Thank you so much!
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Pingback: Humour in the face of pond scum | A. J. Capper
Interesting too, that Rt Hon seems to have adopted the US spelling of “check” over the British “cheque.” Then again, I heard England’s credit rating was recently downgraded, so maybe your new BFF is hedging his bets? 😉
Karen
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To be honest, I had to slap my little hand away from several instinctive grammar corrections. (My favorite is “Further more,You”.) I think it’s pretty safe to say this missive was not composed by an Oxford grad, a native English speaker, or (possibly) a human being.
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Amanda mentioned your post on her site and I had to come over to read it. It’s great!
I have a friend who’s always getting these and asking me if I think it’s legit. She gets kind of huffy when I point out all the grammatical errors and says, “they’re bankers, not English professors.”
I’m waiting for the day when she calls me to say she’s either a multi-millionaire or they’ve cleaned out her accounts.
Great post!
Linda
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I always wonder how these “Phishermen” succeed, but it’s been pointed out to me that if they get one in ten million, they’re living the high life. It doesn’t cost them anything but time, and, let’s face it, they have way too much of that.
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The month of October has been designated as Domestic Violence Awareness Month. This month we honor the scignfiiant work that has been done to reduce domestic violence and recommit ourselves to its end.The following are events held by the YWCA Northeast Indiana in observation of DVAM (for more information or to participate, please contact Steve Miller at ):“Flowers on the River” is the opening event for Domestic Violence Awareness Month in October. Each flower thrown onto the river symbolizes a life that has been affected by domestic violence. Participants gather at the YWCA on Spy Run Avenue at 5:00 pm and walk together to the bridge at 5:15. (Monday, October 1, 2012)“Chalk it Up to Awareness” is an initiative of YWCA Northeast Indiana for which colleges or businesses use colored chalk to create sidewalk billboards to raise awareness about domestic violence. (October 8-12, 2012)The National and local goals of the “National Week Without Violence” is to create awareness, remember victims, and speak out against violence in all its forms. (October 15-19, 2012)In celebration of the National Week Without Violence, schools and libraries throughout the area will gather for “Peace Story Time”, to read stories about and educate children on domestic violence. (October 15-19, 2012)Presentation of YWCA Hope Awards: Each day this week, the YWCA Northeast Indiana will select and recognize a recipient from each of the five categories: Domestic Violence, Empowerment of Women, Racial Justice, Junior Hope Award, and Child Advocacy. (October 22-26, 2012)
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No smoke, blood, or water (so forgive me for interrupting), but I wanted to THANK YOU for visiting my “pun-ny” photoblog and leaving a “like.” –John R.: http://TheDailyGraff.com
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I get these all the time and always say as silent “Wish it were true” as I delete them. WAAAAAH! I’m going to reblog this because I need the accolades of finding this gem. Regards, Sandra
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Reblogged this on SandraBranum's Blog and commented:
I think you’ll love this as much as I.
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ah, that fleeting nano second when you’re thinking…’lord knows, I deserve a great sum of money for my many years of good works or intention of good works…this could be legit…’ before your rational side sighs…’bastard phishing scam’. Most enjoyable post 🙂
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You mean… The check is NOT in the mail?
Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
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Very funny! I want to use “Further more, You” as the title for my new novel… I also liked that the Right. Hon. has a hotmail address. Thanks for stopping by my place today, too. Come by anytime. Miss Molly
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That’s so great of you to pay it forward (or backwards, as the case may be) by offering to let him keep a few pounds!
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I’m just so generous that way.
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With this approach to managing our public finances, is it any wonder our Government has lost its AAA credit rating??!
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Hey, not my fault. I *offered* to let them have £2K of it. At a very competitive interest rate, of course.
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My blog buddy Bastet sent me over here to check out your post…I’m gonna get a few million Amercian bucks myself..maybe we millionaires ought to stick together! Great post!
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pleasant post, my partner and i certainly enjoy this website, carry on it
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