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A few days ago, I went to a movie by myself. It was opening day for Guardians of the Galaxy and I needed to be there for bragging rights over pathetic souls in the US who would have to wait until the weekend for it to open. But the people I know here are all practicing grownups with jobs and actual lives and all, so I found myself heading out alone to our tiny neighborhood theater for an afternoon show. In other words, I was surrounded by twelve-year-olds.

fart-1Until now, I loved this theater because you can drink beer and sit on sofas instead of chairs. Now, I love it because you can drink beer, sit on a sofa, AND get updates on the second most important topic of conversation among 12 year olds**. I realized this when the kids sat down in front of me. In the brief pause between the 273 commercials for deodorants and mobile phones the theater was inflicting on a captive audience, a loud, juicy fart noise filled the room.

The poor kid in front of me leaped to his feet, while the girls in front of him turned around, giggling. He looked down in horror at the whoopee cushion one of his mates had slipped under him in an attempt to ensure full employment for future therapists. I have to hand it to the kid. When he realized all eyes were on him, he laughed fairly convincingly, held up the fart-cushion, and let her rip again. The girls looked suitably disgusted before assuring him of his wanker status and huddling in fits of laughter. Several kept stealing looks back at him however, so I think his chances of a date at his end of term dance are pretty good.

Inspired by the success of their sophisticated humor, the kids all started asking each other if they’d seen the giant Fart to France movie on YouTube. They discussed the absolute awesomeness of this project until the movie started.

I don't want to risk spoiler alerts, so all I'll say about the Guardians of the Galaxy movie itself is that I now believe in (CGI animated) badass raccoons. There may have been tears.

I don’t want to risk spoiler alerts, so all I’ll say about the Guardians of the Galaxy movie itself is that I now believe in (CGI animated) badass raccoons. There may have been tears.

After the movie, of course, I beat a path to YouTube. And the reality of an inventor building a giant butt with the ability to fart across the Channel did not disappoint.

Along the way, I came across other important items of flatulence news. First there were the astonishing number of images, clips, and gifs showing people setting fire to their own methane donations. Apparently it’s a thing. Other actual news stories included the following:

  • German cows explode their barn. Really, what else could you have expected when you crowd ninety gassy cows into a confined space with a massage machine. Wait… ninety girls sharing one ‘massage machine’? The only real mystery is why the explosion took that long…
  • Opera singer suing US Government over botched delivery at Army hospital, which left her with uncontrollable flatulence, making it impossible for her to perform on stage
  • Study shows smelling farts is good for you. There is really nothing more to say here…

How, you may well ask, could I devote an entire blog post to… well, to farts? The answer is simple. With all the doom and gloom about raising a generation of internet dependent, bullying, disrespectful, selfish, cruel monsters, I came out of that theater thinking it was so nice to see that some things are just like the good old days. Let’s hear it for that most universal of human bonding experiences—the fart joke.

**And the first most important topic of conversation? You were going to guess football, right?