Dearest Mother:
Morale low.RedHats destroyed our soy milk & quinoa reserves.HuffPost & McSweeneys blocked.Quartermaster just issued our last supplies of fucks with orders to give them sparingly.If I don’t make it, give my NastyWoman t-shirt to my sister & tell her to continue the fight.
[Image credit: Daily Progress]
FakeNews: Conspiracy whackjob Alex Jones claimed Democrats are launching new civil war on July 4th.
In response, Amanda Blount launched a twitterstorm with her new hashtag, #secondcivilwarletters.
Barb Taub 
Outside Topeka, Kansas
Tuesday 3 July, 2018
Mary Dear,
I once again take pen in hand to write to you on this hot and humid day. We have been bivouacked here for a few weeks now. There is something in the air, a big push is coming, we feel, but we do not know what, as yet. The generals tell us privates very little of their plans until they order us to charge the enemy. Then it’s, “Forward march! Keep your Utube channels tuned to Rachel Maddow.”
Every day we form up and parade for a few hours and then it’s inspection of our tents and kits. We’re living in mud. It’s next to impossible to keep everything neat and clean. The officers have taken over nearby farm houses to live in. If their boots get muddy, they have one of us privates clean them. I know I must sound bitter, but I assure you I am not. We signed up to fight those heathens on the Right, but we’ve seen very little of that. It’s probably boredom more than anything that rankles me.
We’ve had the first casualty of our regiment last night. But it was not from the enemy. His name was Wm. Tyrrell. He was a private. He took violently sick after watching a segment on Fox News. He died inside an hour. The doctor said it was Hannity poisoning. The colonel ordered us to be careful of what we watch if not screened by our liberal sensors.
When our endless drilling and parading is at an end for the day, we are ordered to tune into MSNBC. Soon we will vanquish the Conservatives. And then we will laugh as we take their guns away. We have waited so long for this day.
I have not received a letter from you in weeks, but I do not worry. Our postmaster seems to have gotten lost along with our paymaster. However, he found his way back into camp today. He carried no mail because he was cut off by Conservatives.
The lines are now open, and he’ll be taking our mail when he leaves on the morrow. I hope to hear from you on his return.
If you recall, in my last letter I spoke of Scott Pruitt? Well, he is to be our next objective. We must drain the swamp, and he is the swamp. I will sign off now so this letter makes it into the mail pouch in plenty of time before the postmaster’s departure.
With each passing day I miss you more than I did the day before. I’m living for that wonderful moment when the Right has been thoroughly vanquished and I can hold you in my arms once again.
As ever, your loving
and devoted husband,
Andrew Joyce
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This is WAY too fabulous for just a comment… it deserves its own post. (hint, hint…)
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