Lies, Damn Lies, and Christmas letters…

You know the ones. Those annual cards and letters from fabulously successful people whose lives make you feel like you should be holding up an empty bowl and saying, “Please sir, may I have some more?”

[NOTE: I just got an email with a link to an album featuring all the handmade woodworking presents my baby brother made for everyone on his gift list (including everybody who lives on his street, attends his children’s school, or waited in line behind him at the grocery store. He wanted to know why I haven’t started finished my shopping yet. From last year… So here is a repeat post from a few years ago. Meanwhile, I’ll be out doing some Christmas revenge-shopping. I’m thinking my brother’s twins need electric guitars and a drum set. I can’t wait for his next holiday letter!]

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Have you received the traditional Christmas email from relatives and friends telling you how incredibly wonderful that past year has been for them?

Right. That’s why I don’t send them out either.

But maybe it’s time we got even. I’ve created a newsy, personal, generic form email letter. Simply send me the names of your family and your street address, and I’ll insert them into the following letter template.

Dear (check one)

___Unidentified Person Who Sent Us a Christmas Letter Last Year*. (*Even though we could never figure out who you were, but your letter said you were obviously so wildly successful we may want to borrow money from you soon):

__Loving Family and Friends**. (**As you can see from the following letter, we are wildly successful ourselves this year but we won’t lend you any money so don’t even ask.):

The fabulously successful Karpenagle family here at the impressive Karpenagle house on Maple Street in Champaign, IL, want to wish you a traditional Karpenagle Happy Holidays and New Year. (Not that you could possibly be as merry and happy as we are, of course, but you should never give up hope. Even if the new episodes of The Walking Dead and a winning lottery ticket are the only hope you have for the coming year…)

This year Myra Sue Karpenagle has been balancing her careers as nuclear physicist, fashion model, and mother of four. Her latest redecorating of the tasteful Karpenagle house here on Maple Street in Champaign, IL has been featured in several design magazines, while her selfless volunteer work on behalf of blind baby whales has won her the coveted Champaign, IL PTA Mother-of-the-Year award.

Wally Karpenagle has been promoted. Again. In his new position, he provides important policy advice to God. In his free time, he coached the little Melvin Karpenagle soccer team to its third consecutive World Championship. Also, he produced enough zucchini in the Karpenagle garden to feed several Third World nations, and published his cookbook, “1001 Things You Never Guessed You Could Do With a Zucchini”, which made the best-seller lists for three months in a row.

Young Wally Jr. Karpenagle is still doing well at the university. As captain, he led their football team to an unprecedented winning season while, of course, maintaining the straight-A average that has just won him a full scholarship to Harvard Medical School and an appearance on the “Wheel of Fortune”.

Luella Karpenagle has been enjoying her year abroad as a Rhodes Scholar. Her pathbreaking article on the sex life of newts was published in an actual scientific journal and she is negotiating with several major studios for the film rights.

Baby Fionella Karpenagle has, at 9 ½ months, begun talking in full sentences (Russian, French, and English) and is writing novels on the new iPoop Baby Genius tablet. Yesterday she toddled over to the piano and picked out a Mozart concerto, the Goldberg Variations, and an original overture.

Espotte, the impressive Karpenagel dog, was named Best of Show and Best of Breed on Earth. He was also featured in a recent “60 Minutes” report for his controversial attempts to keep the impressive Karpenagle house on Maple Street safe from the growing numbers of French poodles with silly haircuts in Champaign, Il.

We are enclosing some candid shots of the impressive Karpenagle family with friends. (Former President Obama is the one on the left, behind the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, and the Pope is the one with the little round hat.)

We in the Karpenagel family in the impressive house here on Maple Street in Champaign, Il hope we have served as an inspiration to you.

Love, Myra Sue, Wally, Wally Jr, Luella, Melvin, Fionella and Espotte Karpenagle

Actually, I only send out Christmas letters myself if we have moved recently and people will need the correct address to send gifts and money. This seems, in fact, to be a trend. So far, the only one in our house who has received a Christmas letter is the dog. Of course, she did send out a dynamite Christmas email last year.

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A great Christmas present (and lots easier than a holiday letter)! Autographed paperback copy for special price £4.50 (Reg. £7.95)

Only a few left from last printing. Get your copy gift-wrapped and sent out in time for Christmas. [Sorry–UK only. To order, email barbtaub (at) gmail (dot) com).]