, , , , , , , , , ,

Writer/blogger Roberta Eaton Cheadle posted a blog hop challenge which—and this comes as a complete surprise to exactly nobody—I missed.

They’re making an action figure of you. Describe the toy and accessories. (Do you have a catch phrase? Favorite items, clothes, hair style?)

Here’s how I picture the Barb action figure:

Backstory: Barb spent decades as a mild-mannered writer and mom. Then came the global pandemic, triggering her secret identity as SuperBarb, able to survive months without human contact, leap tall buildings in a single bound to maintain social distance, and stock enough toilet paper to make it through the apocalypse. (Hairstyle is, obviously, a covid-cut.)

What can she do? Well, for sure she’s got superpowers.

She’s Laundry Woman. Zap! Pow! Holy Clean Tidy Whities!

She can single-handedly—like anyone’s going to help her—plan an entire week’s menus before putting in her grocery delivery order.

She knows who the good guys and bad guys are.

She rules the other superheroes with her trademark phrase: BECAUSE I’M THE SUPERMOM AND I SAY SO.

“If you can’t behave during the pandemic, World, I’ll send you to timeout for a year and a half.” [Image credit: New Orleans Living]

NOTE: Barb’s sidekicks, Kitchen Fairy and Bathroom Fairy, will not be available until after the pandemic. Which is a damn shame, because the Kitchen Fairy knows the magic spells passed down through the ages for producing food in pots and pans. And the Bathroom Fairy is the only one who knows how to get new rolls of toilet paper onto the spindle.

The SuperBarb action figure comes with coffee cup, Netflix subscription, and SuperDog Peri, who is the excuse for so many pandemic walks that she whimpers and tries to hide every time someone gets out that leash.

Batteries and accessories sold separately include the BarbCave—her fortress of isolation, fully stocked with enough toilet paper, wine, and chocolate to ride out the pandemic without having to risk contact by the murderous forces of evil seeking to destroy her those with poor mask skills.