NOTE: This is a short excerpt from Peri’s upcoming book, OMD.
How to take a good walk in Scotland. Guest post by Barb’s dog Peri.
Dear Barb’s readers:
Supposedly Mark Twain called playing golf “a good walk spoiled”. But that’s just because he never took a walk on a little Scottish island with Barb.
Now, everyone knows there are exactly three reasons to go for a walk.
Reason #1. Find exotic poo from other animals. Eat it.
Reason #2. Find something muddy and disgusting. Roll in it.
Reason #3. Combine #1 and #2.
I’ve been trying to explain this to Barb for years, but she still doesn’t get it. Take last Sunday. She kept blethering on about hills and heather and some nonsense about the view. But I can tell you from personal experience that she didn’t eat any poo, nor did she roll in anything smelly.
I feel sorry for her. Truly I do.
Barb Taub 
I feel your pain, Peri. Truly I do.
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Peri: Thanks Mick. I try not to make Barb feel bad about her handicaps, but she is kind of pitiful.
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give her time, she’ll come around. beautiful places to walk, even if barb doesn’t see the same highlights as you
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Peri: Thanks, Beth. I know they say if you lose use of one of your senses, the others will compensate. But to tell the truth, poor Barb doesn’t see very well, and can’t hear much either. I try to help where I can, but she just never seems to want to smell or eat anything good. The only good thing is that she doesn’t know how pathetic she is. So please, let’s make that our little secret.
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my lips are sealed. except to chocolate.
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Peri: Oddly enough, chocolate works on Barb too!
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magic
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Oh Peri. Dog will never understand humans. But you love them, and that‘s all it takes. Love, true love, can take it 😉 – I feel Barb DOES understand much of the ‚you‘ personality. She put in the most convenient, soak-proof cover in her car so that you can warm up, be comfy and rest on a proper place when tired of your exercises in dirt, mud, water….. you might want to give her some credit for trying so hard to please you.
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Peri: Thanks Kiki. I know the poor girl does her best, so all I can do is try to be understanding about her handicaps.
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My needs are simple…Have you ever wondered how long it takes to cook a Haggis? (Though a portion in my bowl wouldn’t come amiss…) Love Peri
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Peri: I know Joy! And we live in Scotland, where everything from chips to ice cream comes haggis-flavored. How hard could it be?
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Dear Peri, enjoy your nose. We humans are affected by olfactory blindness and have no idea what we’re missing. (Nanuqq – my friend’s dog, told me to say that.) 🙂
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Peri: Thanks Lynette. Nanuqq knows what she’s talking about. Honestly, I don’t know how you humans can endure a lifetime of scent-blindness, you poor things.
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Maybe when it warms up, Peri, you can persuade her to roll in the mud. Tell her it’s very good for the skin.
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Peri: Well, Noelle, I didn’t want to get into this. But the fact is that Barb has a room in our house where she tries to drown dogs. It’s true! And not only that, but she slathers me all over with this foamy stuff that stinks and tastes terrible. The only good part is that she keeps towels on the towel warmer and gives me full-body wrap rubs after. We both know the Dog Drowning Room is coming when we take long walks, but only one of us thinks it’s worth it.
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Now, Peri, this doesn’t sound so bad. You probably smell nice afterward and getting rubbed with a warm towel sounds heavenly. I’m sure Barb would enjoy that, too!
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Good to see you taking advantage of some of the wonderful things Arran has to offer, Peri!
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Peri: I know, right? Too bad that we both know it leads to baths after.
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Every silver lining…
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According to Dot and Lia, those are three very good reasons for a walk. (oh and add chasing squirrels and rabbits)
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Peri: I caught a rabbit once. I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it, and then Barb yelled at me that if I ate it, she would have PTSD forever, so I dropped it. Sometimes, when I sleep, I’m still chasing that rabbit.
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Looks like Peri has things well in hand.
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Peri: Well, of course, Andrew. Goddess knows where Barb would be without me.
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Peri, don’t give up. Barb needs you.
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Peri: You’re right of course Jennie. But Barb has enough handicaps as it is, so I try not rub that in.
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Hahaha!!
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I would question whether or not that’s “smelly” Peri–doesn’t it give you a slight bit of cover for further investigation?
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Are you really writing a book, Peri? That’s great. Can’t wait to read it.
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