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birth, cat, children, Cinderella, Credibility gap, France, humor, Kids (House), Mighty Mouse, Mouse, Pest control, Republican Party (United States) presidential candidates 2008, Rodent, Shopping, sleep, The Rescuers, Virginia
Serial Kid-producer reveals top 10 reasons not to have kids
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
I was lying awake last night, trying to memorize the feeling of everything being right with my family. We’re all healthy, happy, and remarkably satisfied with where we are in life at this exact moment. Even Child #4 has just taken her last ever Uni final, and pronounced herself ready to go off the family payroll.
A friend asked if I ever regretted having so many kids, or the time/money/everything that it took to raise them. She said her book club (having dispensed with the required 8.5 minutes of book-related discussion) were all talking about the reasons their grown children were not producing grandchildren.
That reminded me of this blast-from-the-past I wrote a few years ago.
Top 10 reasons not to have kids
There are actually LOTS of reasons not to have kids. As a serial kid-producer, I offer a revised list:
10. Vermin = Pet: For me the word “rodent” evokes two images.
- Life-enhancing scientific research seeking the cure for cancer and the perfect makeup foundation base.
- Plague-spreading vermin.
- (Or three images if you don’t include presidential candidates in #2 above.)
But your children will love all rodents, from Anatole “The bravest mouse in France” to Mickey “The richest mouse in pants”. When we lived in Virginia, some local field mice decided to go on the Taub rodent-welfare system. So I bought some standard mousetraps and baited them with cheese and peanutbutter. Then I threw them away. NOTE: Anyone who actually uses this type of trap to catch Cinderella’s tiny helpers is welcome to explain to children that it works by breaking Feivel, Miss Bianca, Bernard, and even Mighty Mouse’s little backs. While you’re at it, you can tell them who is going to take care of all of Hunca Munca’s baby mousies now.
I’ll bet the people who invented the better mousetrap weren’t looking for the world to beat a path to their door. (The World leaves such a mess on the front walkway…) They just wanted to look their kids in the eye again. That’s how we felt when we bought the Have-A-Heart mousetraps. The way these work is every night for weeks you load up the ends of the traps with a three-course gourmet rodent feast – peanutbutter, cheese, and chocolate chips. Each night, the rodents come into the traps, eat everything, burp at the cat, and leave. Finally they get so obese they trip the little trap-door. Then your husband and kids take a long walk into the fields behind your house. They open the trap and coo over the mouse when he waddles out.
The humanely-trapped mouse tells all his little mouse buddies about this great house where they feed you every night and then finally take you for a ride. The rodents probably make it back to your house before your husband and kids.
9. Credibility Gap: Your children won’t believe you when you tell them:
- The world is round.
- Vegetables are good.
- Nice children share instead of fighting to determine who gets the toy. (Or the TV remote. Or to be on top. Or Afganistan.)
- You need to learn long division even if you’re going to be a professional athlete or movie star. (BTW: they probably also won’t believe there’s such a thing as calculus in the real world. I think they’re right on that one.)
- This hurts me more than it hurts you.
- Your cat/ dog/ rodent/ goldfish is going away to live on a farm.
This inability to accept adult realities goes a long way toward explaining such phenomena as Cubs fans, ‘lite’ cheesecake, and Republican presidential candidates.
My own credibility wasn’t helped by my disposal of my childrens’ beloved playroom couch. When the legs of The World’s Ugliest Sofa collapsed, my first reaction was there is a God and prayer works. I realize some readers may dispute the sofa’s right to that title. But consider: does your ugly sofa weigh more than a pair of sumo wrestlers? Does it sport 12-inch high depictions of the Spirit of ’76 in bloody colored detail? Or make regular appearances in your worst nightmares?
I told the kids we were giving their sofa to a poor family that couldn’t afford to buy an ugly sofa of their own. Unfortunately, Goodwill refused to accept the sofa out of humanitarian concern for its clientelle. The kids arrived outside just in time to see the sofa get loaded onto a disposal truck and run through its shredder.
I realized just how low my credibility was as I was reminiscing recently about going to a huge amount of trouble to find a new home for the cat when my son turned out to be allergic to her. The people who adopted her actually did live on a farm, and they said there were plenty of mice for her to chase in their barn. Really. But in the twenty years since we told our children we were sending the cat to live on a mouse farm (see this post), not one of my children has ever wavered in their absolute certainty that the mouse farm was located in the same place that the sofa ended up.
8. National holidays: Before kids, you celebrate New Years at midnight. You still do after kids, but you just use a midnight that’s already happened. Living in the Midwest, we started with New York. By Child #2, we were using England. By Child #4, Australia was looking good.
7. Sleep: My own children elevated parental sleep deprivation to an Olympic event. On any given night, I could be awakened at 0:dark:30 by a small person climbing into my bed, putting little arms around my neck, and confiding, “I hafta throw up.” I think the kids had time-trials to see how fast parents could be roused from a dead stupor.
6. Money: Money is even harder to get than sleep. Face it, eventually you will get some sleep, usually during a nonessential activity like driving to work. But a fundamental rule of child-rearing is that you will never again have any money. You may think you can manage to pay for pediatric antibiotics that cost more per ounce than your engagement ring, orthodontia, and shoes that your child outgrows on the way home from the shoe store. All you have to do is give up luxuries like eating every night and concentrate on essentials like babysitters. To you I say – college. CNBC projects the cost for your newborn to attend a private university in 18 years will be $130,428. Per year.
5. Sex: Contrary to popular opinion, people who commit parenthood still have sex. They just have to do it really quietly. And really really quickly.
4. Illness: Your children will think prescription Pink Stuff is one of the basic food groups.
3. Travel: Think of every wonderful trip you’ve ever wanted to take. Fabulous food? Exotic beaches? Exciting slopes? Forget it. Your kids will only be interested in one trip. If you’re not taking them to the Mouse, it will be a lot easier to pitch a tent in your back yard and drive to Chez Macs three times a day. (The bad news is that there is absolutely. no. escape. If you have children, you WILL do the Mouse. I’m so sorry.)
2. More kids: Your first child is your gateway drug. You may think you can stop any time, but all of a sudden you’re talking about how it’s not ‘fair’ for your baby to grow up as an only child. If you weren’t suffering from sleep-deprivation induced delusions, you would realize that every child firmly believes the universe can only have one center, and she already occupies that position.
Top Reason Not to Have Kids? Self esteem: If any self esteem managed to survive labor and delivery (where every medical person and possibly a few passersby had a hand – usually literally – in getting you to push a watermelon out an opening the size of a plum), you can kiss it goodbye by the time your first child becomes verbal. Not realizing that the chief purpose of encouraging baby talk is to keep the child unintelligible for as long as possible, we were careful to teach clear enunciation and precise terminology, allowing our children to deliver publicly humiliating statements at will.
For example, I pinched my two-year-old’s neck in the top of her coat zipper once. Toward the end of church services the next day, I tried to take advantage of a lull to put her coat on her. “Mommy,” she shrieked amid the hushed pews, “Don’t hurt me again!” We had to look for a new congregation.
Another time we had stopped for some toddler haute cuisine at Chez Big Mac when my other daughter inquired in ringing tones, “Mommy, why is that person so ugly?”
“That’s not a nice thing to say,” I hissed back in my best parental fury whisper.
“But, Mommy…”
“No.”
“But, Mommy, I was only…”
“NO!”
“But, Mommy!” She was sobbing now. “I wasn’t going to ask again why that person is SO UGLY.”
“OK, what?” I relented.
“Mommy, WHY IS THAT UGLY PERSON SO FAT?”
Then there was the time the two-year-old asked me where her tail was. I explained that children don’t have tails. “Michael does,” she stated and pointed. I immediately explained about male and female plumbing differences. She was fascinated, and the next several days were spent speculating – loudly – on who had what where. This interesting period culminated in a visit to a crowded local restaurant where she was inspired to stand up on her chair and announce – at full volume to a spellbound roomful of diners – what MY daddy has and what MY mommy has. This time, we moved to another town.
When people ask me why, despite the above reasons against it, we had kids x four, I usually tell them we were doing our part to improve the gene pool. But the truth is a bit different. Like someone who suddenly realizes they can breathe underwater, I figured out that I could actually live without sleep, money, or a clean house for the next couple of decades. And that it’s all worth it to watch as the four most amazing people ever born grow up.
Even if they do think I killed their cat.
Giraffes Can Sew said:
I have 6 boys aged 12 to 1 year old twins. Can totally relate. Love it 😀
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barbtaub said:
SIX boys? You’re superwoman!
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Giraffes Can Sew said:
Or just ever so slightly mad 😉
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emilyholweger said:
funny stuff!
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barbtaub said:
So glad you liked it. Thanks for stopping by!
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MGBurnett said:
…just when I thought I might celebrate my ovulation with a quickie! 😉
Thanks for the giggles.
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barbtaub said:
Ah. Your ovum and I thank you.
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theclosetplebeians said:
Such a fun read! Very insightful 😀
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barbtaub said:
I’m so glad you liked it! Thanks for the comments.
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theclosetplebeians said:
No problem! 🙂
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undeadzombie1964 said:
Reblogged this on realhelp4u.
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much for the reblog! I’m glad you liked the post.
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undeadzombie1964 said:
Was great. Glad to share
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kbplus2008 said:
Nice hillarious manner of expression. Like this blog.
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barbtaub said:
Thank you for your kind comments.
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crystallngg said:
Reblogged this on To Be ∞ Continued.
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barbtaub said:
I really appreciate the reblog! Thanks so much.
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crystallngg said:
🙂 It was an awesome post!
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SS Konveksi Indonesia 021-60200096 said:
Great post,.. follow me n reblog this on https://konveksijakartass.wordpress.com/
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dotsehyde said:
Reblogged this on dotsehyde and commented:
Great
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www.apkfunn.com said:
Thank you
Fantastic blog
Good luck
###
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barbtaub said:
I’m so glad you stopped by. Thanks for the (very flattering) comments.
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infinite8tome said:
I loved this. I’m not a mom, but I work in childcare. I’ve definitely learned to “embrace the suck.” If I didn’t have a sense of humor, who knows, I might be curled up in fetal position, somewhere; or drinking from the sacral toilet of the tribal kiddies. : p
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barbtaub said:
So glad someone “in the trenches” enjoyed the post. Thanks so much for your comments.
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Ronald Baker said:
Reblogged this on Unchain The Tree.
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much for the reblog! I’m very flattered.
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Ronald Baker said:
Education is the key. Thanks for sharing. You would be surprised to learn Who, what, where, why, when, and how
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Produsen Tas Jakarta 021-60200096 said:
Great post,follow me n reblog this on https://konveksijakartass.wordpress.com/
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jdtcreates said:
Reblogged this on jdtcreates.
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much for the reblog! I’m so glad you liked the post.
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surviveroflife said:
YEP….. I have 5…. I get every bit of it!! Life is hard I do it on my own 2 are at the age they tend to despise me. But wow do they impress and make me proud.
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much for the comments. And wow–FIVE? You’re amazing.
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Ferboes said:
Hi… This is my first time visit your blog and i just trying to make a new blog about Goldfish
Nice post anyway 🙂
Ranchu Goldfish: The One Of My Favourite – http://wp.me/p6jkw7-f
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Naomi said:
Reblogged this on Medical Mummy and commented:
OMG I actually cried with laughter, this is all so true!
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barbtaub said:
I’m so flattered by the reblog! Thanks for the comments (and sorry about the crying…).
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Naomi said:
that’s OK it was the best post I had read in ages.
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Shivani K said:
Funny!! Loved it! I did a piece on not to have a child but in a different vein..
https://forewordmarch.wordpress.com/2015/05/23/dont-have-a-child/
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barbtaub said:
That’s a beautiful poem. I’m so glad you can see both the humor and the serious side of the decision.
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kasiekae371 said:
And yet, people still have children!!!! The juice must be worth the squeeze 😉
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barbtaub said:
Well…it is the only way to get grandchildren!
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Danielle Beerli said:
Reblogged this on The Well Organized Mom and commented:
I only have two kids, but I can still relate to all said…except I think I love Disney World more than my kids!
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barbtaub said:
Thanks, Danielle! I’m so flattered by the reblog. And your kids are lucky that you’re a fan of the mouse!
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Danielle Beerli said:
Great post! I’ve just reblogged!
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Georgia Rose said:
Fabulously entertaining as always Barb!
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much! Glad you liked the post.
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sierramscott said:
I love this
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much! I appreciate the comments.
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mamakacey said:
So funny I was trying not to wake the baby with my cackling! Thank you for a brilliant post
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barbtaub said:
Thanks for the cackling! There is no more sacred imperative than “don’t wake the baby”. Well, don’t wake the FIRST baby. Subsequent offspring just have to take naps where they can get them. (I doubt very much that Child #4 ever napped anywhere near her crib…)
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mamakacey said:
Yes baby number one must not be woken or all hell breaks loose
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misshopeshi said:
Awesome post..
See beautiful Kenya
http://misshopeshi.com/2015/06/08/5-things-i-love-about-kenya/
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Khaan said:
Reblogged this on Of Love & Dinosaurs.
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barbtaub said:
Thank you so much for the reblog! And best of luck to you with the blog.
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Khaan said:
It was hard not to reblog it! Thank you very much.
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mindyourwings said:
haha… i love kids… and i wish have 2 when time comes
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Stephan J Harper said:
Of course they are the four most amazing people ever born…of course.
Sorry, my dear, but your tersely (+ incredibly) written essay lost all its credibility with that line.
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barbtaub said:
Ah… Well, I only claim to write incredibly. Not impartially…
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Stephan J Harper said:
Of course, credible and impartial mean entirely different things.
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luckyidiake1616 said:
Reblogged this on luckyidiake1616.
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Jillian said:
So many gems in the post; I was literally laughing out loud (while on mute during a conference call, of course). Great, entertaining read.
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barbtaub said:
I mute-cracked-up your conference call. Score!
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goodolewoody said:
Reblogged this on GoodOleWoody's Blog and Website.
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much for the reblog. I’m very flattered!
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daftconfessions said:
So many truths 🙂
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much for stopping by, and for commenting.
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daftconfessions said:
Of course 🙂
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songofsavannah said:
Lovely post! I laughed out loud at the ‘pink stuff in a bottle’ because that’s the stage my daughter is in now. 🙂
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barbtaub said:
If we’d been in any condition to think at that point, we should have bought stock in children’s’ Rx companies. It’s where all our money went anyway…
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Vasa Valentina said:
Reblogged this on Royal Graffiti.
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barbtaub said:
Thank you so much for the reblog. I really appreciate it!
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Vasa Valentina said:
No problem keep up the good posts..
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dannyapple said:
I don’t see any fact in this
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barbtaub said:
True. This is a 100% fact-free website. Guaranteed!
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dannyapple said:
Reblogged this on dannyapple.
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barbtaub said:
I really appreciate the reblog. Thanks so much!
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Jo Terry said:
OMG! I love this! I have six kids. They drive me up the wall and suck all our resources dry – time, money, sleep, sex life,… life. I always reply to my girl friends’ invitation to lunch with a, “Nah… maybe in when my youngest turn 20.” But like you said, it’s all worth it to watch. And I can’t wait for them grow up… and out. Lol!
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barbtaub said:
I’m one of ten kids, and remember my mother’s plans to move to a two-bedroom place as soon as the last child moved out. Instead, they lived for the times the house was packed with kids, grands, and great-grandkids.
But I took a different approach: moving to a different continent. (Okay, we did get a cottage with an adorable little playhouse in the garden. Oooh, and we just caught ourselves thinking that if we bought a boat, grandchildren might like it…)
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oluzey said:
Reblogged this on BIENaija.
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barbtaub said:
That’s so nice of you! Thanks so much for the reblog.
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Opinionated Mommy said:
This article gave me life today. I currently have two young ones. The self-esteem portion really hit close to home. After birthing a little miracle you are left with the lingering weight and figuring out when to have the time to get the gym after work, before you get the kids from daycare. You look at those pictures before you had kids and wonder where that person went. Maybe five years earlier I never thought I would have kids.
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barbtaub said:
I wish I could give you the perfect secret to handling all that… but I look back on having kids and jobs and houses and it’s all kind of a blur. I’ll tell you one thing I do NOT have and that’s any problems with an empty nest! (Although, I’m kind of looking forward to grandchildren!)
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Urigi said:
Reblogged this on Urigi and commented:
I thought this was a fabulous read. Children really are priceless.
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barbtaub said:
Thanks so much for the reblog. I’m very flattered!
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Zukiyakami said:
Reblogged this on lightingday.
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barbtaub said:
I really appreciate the reblog. Thank you!
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johngabrieljr said:
Reblogged this on johngabrieljr.
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dreamelysium said:
LOL, i loved the humor in this post! I look forward to having kids, but sometimes I worry if I’ll be equipped/ready to be a parent!
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barbtaub said:
Yes, because if you decide to contribute to the gene pool, you’ll first have to pass the same rigorous training and licensing procedures as your parents did. Oh…wait.
No, seriously. I hear about all these people waiting for the perfect moment in their lives and careers before they take the baby-plunge. But really, humans are hard-wired to take care of their children. And the really amazing thing is that for the most part, they do a fabulous job at it—even if no two people parent the same way.
I know it’s a Madison Ave. product placement thing, but I still love the message in this advert:
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kelsee727 said:
What a good read! Loved the brutal honesty and the touch of humor.
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barbtaub said:
Oh dear… maybe I should go for less brutal and more touch? Thanks so much for stopping by.
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mayurdighe said:
Reblogged this on A place to reblog the efforts of people, their piece of knowledge, research and much more things..
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barbtaub said:
That was so nice of you! I’m very flattered by the reblog. Thanks!
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mayurdighe said:
You are welcome…:)
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Andrew said:
I spend more time on WordPress than is good for my mental health and at the heart of my addiction is reading about human relationships you name it twenty something’s addicted to Tinder, mature woman’s obsession with revealing tasteful photo’s of herself, very tasteful by the way, single thirty somethings in blind panic that they’ll be left on the shelf, should have thought about that while on Tinder trawling for fuckbuddies, a heat breaking blog where a woman is trying to save her marriage……….all a type of voyeurism? Anyways never come across a funny family relationship post before, like this middle aged man couldn’t stop laughing at the ugly and sex story and……….all the stories, 10 reasons is already a favourite! Of course for all the debt sleep deprivation illness this single guy misses having children so so much.
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mvijohnsonave said:
Children are the greatest blessing in life
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forevermore143 said:
I disagree 😁
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barbtaub said:
No, please don’t just drop this bomb and leave! Give us the details!
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forevermore143 said:
I think the world is such a horrific place … 1.You have children molesting children let alone the church…
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forevermore143 said:
The more children you have will surely increase the chance for a major disappointment at some point in time…
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forevermore143 said:
Some 👶’s grow up to be serial killers.. Some become junkies…
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forevermore143 said:
The Menendez brothers killed their parents… Those unsuspecting parents never thought when they children were born that would happen
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forevermore143 said:
Then I think we’re living in the last days suicide plagues people dying with AIDS
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forevermore143 said:
However, my biggest concern : I would have to die one day and leave my baby… Or tragically my baby could die leave me.. Disappointments just too many
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barbtaub said:
Sounds like you’re dealing with some pretty dark issues. I hope there’s light ahead for you. Thanks for stopping by the blog to share.
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forevermore143 said:
Lol, light = never been pregnant 😁I’m not having children …
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forevermore143 said:
Maybe I’m selfish … = no responsibilities other than myself
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hathenorma29 said:
Reblogged this on hathenorma and commented:
cool
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barbtaub said:
Thank you so much for the reblog! I really appreciate it.
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