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And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar
And say “Man what are you doing here?”
–lyrics: Billy Joel,The Piano Man

When my kids were little, I used to dream of the day I could go to the bathroom without having every child in a three-state radius (plus a random assortment of dogs and cats) fling themselves at the door demanding to know what I was doing and how long I intended to do it in there.

Those were good, good days.

Now the kids are grown but total strangers who find me through the most random online queries want to know what I’m doing. A check of recent search terms used by people who actually ended up at this blog over the past few months is humbling. And scary.

photoFirst off, well over a thousand visitors wanted to to find the top reasons to avoid marriage. I’m talking more people than those seeking Truth, Beauty, and Whirled Peas. More even than look for angry cat pictures.

Apparently, these people are not good learners, because the second most popular search topic that brings people to this blog is reasons not to have children. (Certainly they aren’t good spellers – “why 2 not had 2013 kids” “reasons not to have babay”) Personally, I wouldn’t think you’d have to go past the two they don’t tell you about until it’s too late (episiotomies and pediatric suppositories).

Other popular topics?

Unicorn Meat

The good news: scientific research teams have isolated unicorn DNA. The bad news: they found it in British supermarket beef products.

Unicorns. (“change horse dna for unicorn”, “unicorn meat.com” etc.) Listen up, you dozens (you know who you are) who came to me in search of mythical creatures—here’s heartbreaking news. Unicorns are not real. No, really, get hold of yourselves. I never said anything about Santa. Or the Easter Bunny. Or national healthcare.

Cocks. Honestly? I think this is the first time I used the word in my blog, but that hasn’t stopped search engines from referring disturbing numbers of people urgently seeking a connection. I like to think they then go straight from a serendipitous barbtaub.com referral to buying several copies of my books. But I’m not sure that was just what the seeker of “big cock taub” was after. And I’m really hoping that the person searching for “grandad big cockshooting toilets” didn’t touch anything while here. Do you suppose there is some digital Lysol I could spray around the old blog?

Keebler elf. Okay, I’m completely on board with this one. I too have wondered…


Bathroom. Actually, I can’t quote most of these. (As a slightly less puke-making example, “gorgeous devils doggy style in bathroom”)bunny-toilet

“how to make little white cloth napkins for tea parties” (life is simply not long enough)

“how to supply saudi taubs clothes” (life is simply not weird enough)

“husband falls asleep during sex”. Maybe he was reading my blog during the ya-yas? Which would also explain “married and not turned on”…

Threats: “be nice I might be lawyer sumday” – probably not until you learn to spell. And even then I can just put you in one of my books and kill you. Lots.

husbands father throws barbs”. I’m impressed: I didn’t even think he could lift me. (Maybe it was the time I asked him to get rid of my dead bat?)

“chicago mole trappers pay”. As well they should. 

How is this even a thing? pinterest little boys roper trilo” O. M. G. My blog comes up first.

Come on... Why doesn't anyone ever do a search for pandas on slides?

Come on… Why doesn’t anyone ever do a search for pandas on slides?